Joke World 01-01-09

[Arvon]

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

[Arvon]

Old Hits Re-Released

Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released
their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging
audience.

Some examples:

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA: "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".

[Larry_OHF]

For a gaming website, I couldn't pass up posting this! The ranger/ranger class and his quad-wield ability.

http://www.nuklearpower.com/daily.php?date=090127

[Arvon]

A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says. 'The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!'

The intercom falls silent.

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says.

'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

'That's nothing,' a passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!'

[VulcanRider]

My redeye flight from New York had almost reached Orlando, and Captain Sparks came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen", he said, "we'll be landing in just a few minutes. Thank you for flying with us tonight." Then, apparently unaware that he'd left the microphone on, we heard him tell the copilot, "Boy I'll be glad when this run is over. I could sure use a cup of coffee and a BJ". The flight attendant near me looked up in surprise, then turned and hurried toward the cockpit.

As she ran up the isle I called out "Don't forget the coffee!!"

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The reason I'd gone to NY was to run the New York City Marathon. Almost immediately, I found myself as the very last runner. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He asked me "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

"Do you really want to know?" I asked. Then I dropped out of the race...