on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[250]

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along acountry road
one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill
told his
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
had
happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a
bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes all
ripped and torn.

"What happened to you", asked Bill.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar
and his 19
year old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just
killed the pig".

[250]

On a special teacher's day. a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts
from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She
shooked it, held
it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is...flowers.
"That's right!" said the boy. "But how did you know?" Just a
wild guess,
she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The
teacher held her
gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it
is... a
box of candy.
"That's right!" But how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The
teacher held it
over her head but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the
leakage with
her finger
and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No, the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the
leakage to
her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy
replied.
The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"


-----------------------------------------------------------

Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about
and make
motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch
at the
side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have
something you
would like to say?" The man nodded to the affirmative, and the
priest
handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this
to write a
note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just
outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and
scrawled his
message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands.
Then,
moments later, the man died.

After administering the last rites, the priest left to break
the sad news
to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her
the note.
"Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote
this message
to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read:

"GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------


A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby
delivered.
Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine
that would
transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if
they were
willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of
it. The
doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even
10% was
probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as
the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the
doctor to
bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20%.
The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and
was amazed at
how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up
fine,
since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the
doctor to
transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby
with virtually
no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled.
Everything was
great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their
porch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She
started her class by sying, "Everyone who thinks you're
stupid, stand
up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher
said, "Do
you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate
to see you
standing there all by yourself!"

------------------------------------------------------------

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on
the
moon, he not only gave his famous 'one small step for man, one
giant
leap for mankind' statement but followed it by several remarks,
usual
com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission
Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the
enigmatic
remark, 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky.'
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some
rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no
Gorsky in
either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years
many
people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'Good luck Mr.
Gorsky'
statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL., while answering questions
following
a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to
Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and
so
Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front
of his
neighbor's bedroom windows and Armstrong went to get the ball.

His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick
up
the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr.
Gorsky:
"Oral sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid
next
door walks on the moon!"

[250]

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep
his house."
-- Zsa Zsa Gabore


--------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
He sees two women at the other end of the bar and sits
down beside them and asks if he can buy them a beer. They
say, " Sure, but you're not getting us in bed because we're
lesbians."
The guy asks, " What is a lesbian?."

One of the women replies, " Well, it means we like woman more
than men"

The guy then yells, " Hey bartender get us three lesbians a
beer!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting
outside
a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An
Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked
where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
"She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered.... "I'll give you 100
camels
for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long
silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her
husband what took him so long to answer, to which the
husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100
camels back home."

---------------------------------------------------------------

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from
enjoying it."

---------------------------------------------------------------

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he
managed to
make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building,
where he crashed
from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and
into a
confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and
figuring the fellow
was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of
the
confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy
silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition.
"You got any
toilet paper on your side?

----------------------------------------------------------------

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the
branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this
bag." While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry
that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before
he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America
and crossed
the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising
from his
spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the
harbor, told him
that she could not accept his stick up note because it was
written on a
Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to
fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat
defeated, the man said "Ok" and left. The Wells Fargo teller
then called
the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in
line back at Bank of America.

--------------------------------------------------------------

[250]

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... ... Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tow-ers will be violated

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like
the IRS.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Wink, I'll do the rest!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
When there's a will, I want to be in it!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of
meat?

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
i souport publik edekasion

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be
Assimilated.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can
find a rock.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with
subatomic
particles.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity;
looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind
direction and
speed. He was driving
his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's
taking so
long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting
her from here!"

[250]

bump for everyone

[Sir Kenyth]

Originally posted by DragonMage: OK. Here's something... I fully realize that I have not succeeded in answering all of your questions...Indeed, I feel I have not answered any of them completely. The answers I have found only serve to raise a whole new set of questions, which only lead to more problems, some of which we weren't even aware were problems. To sum it all up...In some ways I feel we are confused as ever, but I believe we are confused on a higher level, and about more important things.

*Amongst camera flashes and reporters*

Question: When will you again address this issue Mr. President?

[DragonMage]

Originally posted by Sir Kenyth: *Amongst camera flashes and reporters* Question: When will you again address this issue Mr. President?

Glad you like it! I used it once at work and all my boss could do was stand in front of me for a moment - dumbfounded - while it sunk in. Then he lost it completely!

------------------

The day we stop learning is the day we start dying!(c)

Owner/operator of the Evil Petting Zoo and devout member of the HADB clan.
Commander of the Dragon Fleet, IW Peacekeeping Force
Honored to be a member of the Illuminati - may the Light shine forever!
Mage extraordinair.
Occasional minion to Gwhanos the Fluffy

Hopeless Romantic *sigh*

"Allright! We'll call it a draw."

[J.J.]

ROTFLMAO, 250. I think you made me sprain my spleen.

------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow.

[J.J.]

where's the funnies?

------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow.

[J.J.]

An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office and told the receptionist
she
wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist
suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the
spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must
understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and
I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to
my
house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and
went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and
will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have
in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the
lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40! ! ,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when
I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer
remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that
will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone
who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued,
"what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived
alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.
Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrrange for a man to
sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said,
adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the
eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how
much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of
coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car
until you're finished. Tell her it will be $5,000 for an hours worth of
service." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house
and waited while he went into the house. She waited for well over
an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his
head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow morning! She's going to
let the County bury her!"



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow.