Joke World 5-1-80

[Arvon]

One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "makeout point." Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young
man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.

"Excuse me, son" said the cop, "but how old are the two of you?"

"I'm eighteen, sir, and" (checking his watch another time) "in ten more minutes, she'll be eighteen too!"

[Arvon]

Rules for Surviving a Horror Movie

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it's not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

No alcohol or partying! These activities will surely seal your fate.

If you find a town that is deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

[VulcanRider]

If you're walking with a group, NEVER be the last one in line. Or the first...


EDIT: This *kinda* fits in with the horror movie joke...

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died, and his body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

But Monica noted that Charlie had always preferred blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the viewing and burial."

The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice."

"Well surely it cost you plenty of staff time to undress both bodies and switch their clothes!" the woman said.

"Well, no," the mortician said with a discreet cough. "We just switched the heads."

[Arvon]

Country Wisdom

Never name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences oughta' be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb. It's about how good you bounce.

Keep skunks and gossipers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is...she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal. It just ain't helpful.

Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one...if one don't eat.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar...if you're in to catchin' flies.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go drinkin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel remark.

Every path has some puddles.

Don't wrestle with pigs. You'll get all muddy, and the pigs'll love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

The early bird gets the worm. But...the second mouse gets the cheese.

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a durn good reason for the move. You can't post: Thou Shalt Not Steal Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of Lawyers and Politicians. It just don't make sense.

[Arvon]

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:

Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?

Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.

Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?

Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don't ■■■■ around at those crematoriums.

[Arvon]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,' he stated.

'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered. 'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'

The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

[Arvon]

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden...

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him...

"Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."

[Arvon]

Pregnancy Question

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's
office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...,"
to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on
her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[Arvon]

Now this should finish off the month...


Officials at Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center in Cebu City, Philippines, apologized in April on behalf of at least six doctors and other personnel for laughing raucously during surgery and making a party video (that was later uploaded to YouTube) of the operating-room removal of a perfume canister from the anus of a male patient. [Sun Star (Cebu City), 4-16-08]