Joke World 10-01-09

[Arvon]

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.

"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

[VulcanRider]

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI IF...

* your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.

* You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

* At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

* There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

* You think that the Stormtroopers Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.

* A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

* You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.

* Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"

* You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

* You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

* You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookies are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

* You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

* Your landspeeder has a bumper sticker that reads, "You can have my lightsaber when you pry it from my cold dead fingers!"

* Your R2 unit has beer on tap.

* You're itchin' for your next hunting trip to the forest moon of Endor so you can "bag your limit" of Ewoks.

* You find out your girlfriend is your sister.
...And you've still got the hots for her.
...And you tell Han, "Beat it buddy, I saw her first."

* You think it's OK to use Federation landing craft to flush game.

* You've ever said, "It's about damn TIME Amidala got married! Hell, she's nearly fifteen!"

* Your favorite pod racer's name is "Dale".

* You think "Demolition Pod Racing" is the next big sport.

* You've ever left the body panels off your protocol droid because, "I'd just have to take 'em off again to adjust somethin'."

* You've ever used a double-barreled lightsaber.

* Your name is "Bubba Fett".

[Arvon]

Years ago an evangelist friend of mine was preaching at a small community

church. And as the custom was at that time the preacher stayed with one of

the families of the church. Breakfast was always a family event,

especially when company was there. With five kids, a husband, and a hungry

visitor to feed. The wife cooked up a huge meal, bacon, ham, eggs,

biscuits and gravy, hash browns, pancakes, with all the trimmings. To make

it better there was home made jellies, maple syrup, butter, and sorghum

molasses. This preacher loved sorghum molasses and after he had eaten all

the he could hold of everything else he ask for the molasses. When he

poured enough into his plate he rolled the jar to stop it from flowing as

molasses is real thick. While he was doing this he noticed the five year

old son of the cook watching him and after a long few seconds the little

boy pipes up and says for all to hear, "lick it preacher we do."

[VulcanRider]

Originally Posted by Wolf Rider2 Is that supposed to say something at the start along the lines of: You know you are a Star Wars freak when... Just wondering.

Oops.

[Arvon]

This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said "That's good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role!"

[Arvon]

A real oldie repeat...


A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"

The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."

[Arvon]

A customer walked into a pharmacy and asked assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insisted that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passed man on to the pharmacist, who explained that store has never stocked such an item.

The man explained he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done so for several years. The pharmacist asked man to bring in his last purchase and he would try to match the product.

The following day, the man returned to the pharmacy and showed the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asked why the customer thought it was an anal deodorant, when it was obviously the underarm stick variety.

The customer explained that instructions on reverse state: "Push up bottom to use."

[VulcanRider]

Little Johnnys:

While driving in the car with her son Johnny, a woman had an "oldies" radio station on. It played a tune that she remembered from the 1960s.
"You know," she said, "this song first came on the radio when I was about your age. I remember listening to it while laying in bed with a broken leg."
"Gee, Mom," said Johnny, "and you couldn't even get up to turn it off."
-----
A teacher sees Johnny entering the classroom, with very dirty hands. She stopped him and said "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into class with hands like that?"
Johnny smiled & said "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."
-----
Little Johnny wanted to caddy for his uncle's golf game. "You have to count my strokes," his uncle told him. "How much is six plus five plus four?"
"Seven", said Johnny.
"Ok, let's go." said his uncle...

[Timber Loftis]

Our maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?

[Arvon]

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so don???t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.Love, Ma