Joke World 05-01-09

[VulcanRider]

Sorry, he can't take any new patients right now...

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

[Arvon]

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

[Chewbacca]

Originally Posted by Arvon A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

One of the best you've ever posted imo. I loled for 3 minutes. It's almost the perfect joke.

[Arvon]

Reaching the end of a jobinterview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"Inthe neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, fullmedical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company carleased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

[Arvon]

Z bit PG...




A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

[Bungleau]

I truly did not know this!!!!

Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips!!!


This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.


This is done by the chip monks.

[Kezardin]

The large cruiser was rocking gently on the ocean waves a fair distance offshore. The party onboard, with everyone dressed as pretend pirates, was in full swing, aided by copious amounts of alcohol and 'recreational substances'.

The pretend pirate captain of the vessel, Long Ronnie Sliver was staggering along the deck to use 'the facilities' when he spotted another boat on the horizon. He staggered to the rail, nearly going face first into the drink, and squinted at the shape, trying to make out what it was.

Unsuccesful, he called out to his first mate, Black Jack McCrack, to join him. "What do ye make of it, first mate ?" he asked. "Dunno, cap'n - but I think it's a boat" replied Black Jack.

"Of course it be a boat, ye fool ! Ye think it be a pod of whales passing wind ???" Both men stared intently at the shape. Suddenly Black Jack pointed and exclaimed "Cap'n ! I caught a glimpse of the colour ! It be a customs boat !"

"Customs ? Load the cannon and prepare to fire a broadside !!!" roared Long Ronnie

"Sorry Cap'n - best we can do is shake some beer bottles and spray 'em with foam" replied Black Jack.

"Hoist the Jolly Roger !!!" roared Long Ronnie.

Jolly Roger jumped up and clapped his hands in excitement "Oh, that's my cue ! Hoist me ! Hoist me !!" he cried.

Black Jack turned to do just that, when, in a rare moment of clarity he noticed the liberal amounts of 'recreational substances' visible on deck. "Cap'n ! The sh.... er stuff !!! They'll hang us fer sure !!!"

"Quickly, me hearties !! Toss it all overboard before they get here !!" roared Long Ronnie. In moments the liberal amounts of sh.... er stuff had been thrown into the water. Seconds later, hundreds of zoned out fish started floating to the surface.

The captain of the customs vessel took in the scene at a glance and arrested everyone anyway, charging them with "pretend piracy on the 'high' seas".

[Arvon]

A bit PG... and old



A man went into a bar and said to the barman

"Pint of best please",

The barman said "That'll be 5 pence please"

The man was amazed at the cheapness and asked for the menu. He selected T-bone steak and chips,

The bar man said "That'll be 25 pence"

"Thats fantastic!" said the man, "Can I speak to the owner, I'd like to congratulate him on his prices!"

"No", the barman replied, "He's upstairs with my wife"

"Whats he doing with your wife?" asked the man.

The barman replied "The same as I am doing with his business down here!"

[Felix The Assassin]

MILD PG and Military warning!




The Army in need of restructuring, proposed a new plan to attract mid grade officers and senior enlisted for a early separation bonus. Under the proposed plan, the Army allowed the service member to be creative in their schematics. The standard was that the SM could have $1,000 for every inch that was measured on a cloth tape measure from one point to another of their body, but could only cross the body once. That all measuring had to be conducted by a medical officer, and would be validated at the installations hospital under direct supervision of the officiating officer.

The plan was approved by the Chief, and away for signature it went. The pilot of the program would be conducted in the greater Ft. Meade, VA area.

After several days, the Army was dismayed that only three applicants filled out the paper work. A young energetic Captain who was an engineer, a mid-life mid career Major, and an old crusty Sergeants Major. As with holding to tradition, the Army went ahead and started with the Major.

He was average build and height, and said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his big toe up his backside, and to the tip of his head. The officiating officer had the measurement conducted and awarded the Major $72,000 and a discharge.

The young CPT. was next, and being an engineer, and vertically challenged, said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his right pinky finger across his back and down to the tip of his left pinky toe. The officiating officer chuckled, snorting some absurdity about how engineers could make something from nothing, but agreed, The measurement was taken, and he was awarded $92,000 and a discharge.

Then the old crusty SGM came up. The officiating officer said, Sergeant Major you should know better than this. He replied "Sir, I'm tired, hungry, and miss my momma"! So the officiating officer gave the okay. When the measuring officer asked the SGM where he would like to be measured, he snorted his reply, from the tip of my manhood to the leading edge of my balls. The measuring officer laughed, and retold the measurement to the officiating officer, who asked the SGM if he wanted to rethink, or have help from the engineer CPT. Hell no, replied the SGM, just get on with it. So it was approved, and the measuring officer commenced, after about 3 inches the officer said, my god man, where are you balls? The SGM replied with a wry grin, "Ho Chi Minh Trail, Vietnam"!

The SGM was the last to receive the now defunct separation package, and the Army is once again revising a new separation plan.

[Arvon]

A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is dreadful..."

One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."