Cat Commandments - Page 3

Kaltia · 10-11-2002, 12:14 PM

Thou shalt not grow to such monstrous proportions thy nearest cousin in size is a panther then jump on thine owners lap, dripping off her lap and acting like thee is a large black puddle.
I suppose we should have known, i mean, we named it Tramp. *sigh* revenge is probably sweet [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Aviehenda · 10-11-2002, 12:41 PM

Thought this could answer some questions about the cats mind, and why they act like they do [img]smile.gif[/img]

The Cats Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

The Ornery One · 10-11-2002, 06:43 PM

I was reminded of some other ones very early this morning when the sound of tiny paws scrambing on my pillow woke me up. One of these days I'll catch that mouse. [img]graemlins/1pissed.gif[/img]
Thou shalt not torment other pets kept in aquariums
Thou are obligated to catch pets after they have been loose from aquariums more than 2 weeks

Dagorion · 10-11-2002, 08:16 PM

From what TV has told me cats are active at 3-5 AM because that is the time that the "early birds" are getting up to catch the worms.

Its remarkable that they know exactly what time to wake you even though there isn’t a bird in sight or hearing.

/)eathKiller · 10-12-2002, 12:44 AM

my cat tends to run through the house and attempts to trip everyone who walks about, also, when nobody is standing up she meows so loud the neighbors can hear in hopes that we'll walk toward her so she can trip us again... [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Aviehenda · 10-12-2002, 01:04 AM

Cat proverbs [img]smile.gif[/img]

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and
will pee on your computer." - Bruce Graham

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats
have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next
life." - Faith Resnick

[img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

10-12-2002, 01:12 AM

Great thread LOL!
Here are some more additions:

Thou shalt not walk across the touch tone-two line telephone and switch lines while your human is using it.

Thou shalt not sleep in thy human's shoes.

Thou shalt give thy human time to dry off before rubbing against their legs when they step out of the shower.

A roll of paper towels is NOT a toy!

Thou shalt de-feather dead birds outdoors.

Thou shalt not poke your human in the eyes or bite his/her nose while she is asleep.

Thou shalt not torment grandpa by laying in front of his feet every other step that he takes. Just because he is slow does not mean he is able to lean down to pet you.

Thou shalt realize that pouting will not work forever.

And finally,
Thou shalt not run ahead of your human and dash under their car and then look offended when they get in and start it up.
As long as you have been doing this, we all know you are aware of what you are doing and you haven't gotten any sympathy yet so it is a good bet that you never will.

Aviehenda · 10-12-2002, 01:24 AM

hehe...great ones [img]smile.gif[/img]

I just had to post some more (I'm bored)
This is from The Cat/English dictionary:

"Raowwwww": I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.

"Mrowwwww": I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.

10-11-2002, 06:43 PM	#23
The Ornery One Drow Warrior Join Date: May 17, 2002 Location: S. IL Age: 49 Posts: 269	I was reminded of some other ones very early this morning when the sound of tiny paws scrambing on my pillow woke me up. One of these days I'll catch that mouse. [img]graemlins/1pissed.gif[/img] Thou shalt not torment other pets kept in aquariums Thou are obligated to catch pets after they have been loose from aquariums more than 2 weeks __________________ I like to wonder.<br />And when I wonder<br />My mind wanders.<br />And when it wanders,<br />I have to wonder;<br />When will it ever come back?!?

10-11-2002, 08:16 PM	#24
Dagorion Red Wizard of Thay Join Date: November 23, 2001 Location: That coffee stain on your map (Australia) Age: 37 Posts: 868	From what TV has told me cats are active at 3-5 AM because that is the time that the "early birds" are getting up to catch the worms. Its remarkable that they know exactly what time to wake you even though there isn’t a bird in sight or hearing. __________________ <br />2,500 left handers die each year using products designed for right handers.

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10-11-2002, 12:14 PM	#21
Kaltia Jack Burton Join Date: May 2, 2002 Location: Canterbury, England Age: 37 Posts: 5,817	Thou shalt not grow to such monstrous proportions thy nearest cousin in size is a panther then jump on thine owners lap, dripping off her lap and acting like thee is a large black puddle. I suppose we should have known, i mean, we named it Tramp. sigh revenge is probably sweet [img]tongue.gif[/img]

10-11-2002, 12:41 PM	#22
Aviehenda Dungeon Master Join Date: September 21, 2002 Location: Norway Age: 41 Posts: 58	Thought this could answer some questions about the cats mind, and why they act like they do [img]smile.gif[/img] The Cats Diary DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ...... DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

10-12-2002, 12:44 AM	#25
/)eathKiller Dracolisk Join Date: January 5, 2002 Location: Guantanamo Bay, Cuba Age: 38 Posts: 6,043	my cat tends to run through the house and attempts to trip everyone who walks about, also, when nobody is standing up she meows so loud the neighbors can hear in hopes that we'll walk toward her so she can trip us again... [img]tongue.gif[/img]

10-12-2002, 01:04 AM	#26
Aviehenda Dungeon Master Join Date: September 21, 2002 Location: Norway Age: 41 Posts: 58	Cat proverbs [img]smile.gif[/img] "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer." - Bruce Graham "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous "People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

10-12-2002, 01:12 AM	#27
Moni Guest Posts: n/a	Great thread LOL! Here are some more additions: Thou shalt not walk across the touch tone-two line telephone and switch lines while your human is using it. Thou shalt not sleep in thy human's shoes. Thou shalt give thy human time to dry off before rubbing against their legs when they step out of the shower. A roll of paper towels is NOT a toy! Thou shalt de-feather dead birds outdoors. Thou shalt not poke your human in the eyes or bite his/her nose while she is asleep. Thou shalt not torment grandpa by laying in front of his feet every other step that he takes. Just because he is slow does not mean he is able to lean down to pet you. Thou shalt realize that pouting will not work forever. And finally, Thou shalt not run ahead of your human and dash under their car and then look offended when they get in and start it up. As long as you have been doing this, we all know you are aware of what you are doing and you haven't gotten any sympathy yet so it is a good bet that you never will.

10-12-2002, 01:24 AM	#28
Aviehenda Dungeon Master Join Date: September 21, 2002 Location: Norway Age: 41 Posts: 58	hehe...great ones [img]smile.gif[/img] I just had to post some more (I'm bored) This is from The Cat/English dictionary: "Raowwwww": I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy. "Mrowwwww": I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.

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