Who do you use for a thief in a good-aligned party?

[Pirengle]

Post something *cough* original! *cough* Quit recycling! [img]tongue.gif[/img]

(from "Radiant Heart and the Holy Grail")

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scene 3 - on a grassy meadow, the site of some forgotten war
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(The action cuts back to Mazzy and Valygar as they traverse a wide open meadow. Valygar still follows Mazzy, banging his coconuts together.)

VALYGAR: Why is it always about my coconuts?

(The silly actors are not supposed to be reading the scene descriptions. Anyway, Valygar still ba--still makes hoofbeat sounds and Mazzy still rides a "horse.")

(Mazzy spots a figure in the middle ground, slows, "dismounts", and approaches.)

MAZZY: Old woman!
COMPTON: Man!
MAZZY: Terribly sorry. That castle there, in the distance, what knight lives there?
COMPTON: I'm only twenty-seven.
MAZZY: What?
COMPTON: I'm twenty-seven years old. You call me an old man, but seeing as you are a halfling, you could very well be older than I am!
MAZZY: What do I call you then? 'Man'?
COMPTON: Well, you could say 'Compton'.
MAZZY: I knew not that your name was Compton.
COMPTON: (high sarcasm) That's okay. Nobody ever remembers my name. I tell them my name and it's all about "Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey."
MAZZY: (embarrassed) I apologize, but from the
back you looked like--
COMPTON: --and everyone expects me to look like Kelsey and everyone expects me to talk like Kelsey and every time that blasted knight is mentioned people expect me to have an opinion about it exactly like Kelsey and--
MAZZY: Which knight?
COMPTON: Oh, the knight, the one that originally came with the software, the only romance for the ladies, and here I get this bright idea one day, maybe offer up another hunk of meat to satiate the ladies, and what do I get? "Make Kelsey talk dirty." "Make Kelsey sing a song." "Make Kelsey flirt in the Underdark." Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey, all bloody day and all bloody night long too! Sooner or later the world will realize that--
GHREYFAIN: (popping up from the field behind Compton) Dude! Ever thought about giving Kelsey a foot fetish? (spots Mazzy) Oh--hi there. Is there something I can do for you?
MAZZY: How do you do, good sir. I am Mazzy Fentan, a valiant servant of justice and righteousness. Who's castle is that?
GHREYFAIN: Servant of who?
MAZZY: Justice and righteousness.
GHREYFAIN: I don't remember modding that. (pokes Compton) You remember modding that?
MAZZY: What is this 'modding' of which you speak?
GHREYFAIN: I know I didn't write any "justice and righteousness" nonsense into the code.
COMPTON: Couldn't have been me. My life has been nothing but Kelsey, day in, day out, week after week, month after month, year after year--
GHREYFAIN: Oh there you go, bringing Kelsey into it again.
COMPTON: If only people realized that--
MAZZY: (stepping between the two) Calm yourselves, gentlemen. Please, who lives in that castle?
GHREYFAIN: No one.
MAZZY: No one?
GHREYFAIN: We haven't scripted it yet.
MAZZY: What?
COMPTON: See, we only had time to create the castle area and script it into the game. We haven't had time to fill it yet.
MAZZY: (totally lost) Yes.
COMPTON: When we get around to it, we'll code some items and people and maybe a shopkeeper inside, and make some custom items so parties will actually visit the castle.
MAZZY: (impatient) Yes, I see.
COMPTON: And after that we'll loop in some dialogue and maybe a background soundtrack, and then--
MAZZY: Hush!
COMPTON: --after that we'll send the whole kit and caboodle off to the beta testers--
MAZZY: Quiet! I order you to be quiet!
GHREYFAIN: You, ordering us? (to Compton) Who does she think she is, anyway?
MAZZY: I am a member of the Noble Order of the Most Radiant Heart!
GHREYFAIN: (to Compton) Is this the Anomen you keep whining about?
COMPTON: (sourly) No, and nobody can romance halflings anyway. It's in the code.
GHREYFAIN: (to Mazzy) I can't remember--did we write you in as a knight?
MAZZY: No. The Trueswords [insert heavenly chorus singing] in traditions and rituals ancient and mystic, held forth this sword of Arvoreen (holds up sword) and their coat of arms and proclaimed to the skies that I, Mazzy Fentan, was to be a Truesword in the service of Arvoreen. [chorus ends] That is why I am here.
COMPTON: Listen -- I'd never mod something so cheesy in my life. What is this, cowl-wearing prettyboys strutting around with sharp objects waiting for the right midget? Good storylines come from twists of fate and basic human interest, not some hackneyed cliche.
MAZZY: Be quiet!
COMPTON: Why, any pompous do-gooder could hand me a butterknife like that and I could call myself a Truesword or whatever except that I wouldn't because it's stupid.
MAZZY: Shut up!
COMPTON: I mean, if I went around saying I was a Knight of Whatever just because some weak-kneed wacko lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!

(A strange man appears out of nowhere and lobs a scimitar at Compton's head.)

HABIB: Ha! My name is Habib Achmed Khalid Allafif, and I cannot be captured! I will throw my mighty scimitar at your head rather than suffer the indignity of--UURK!

(A drow on horseback appears. The horse has 'Deus Ex Machina' printed on its rump. The drow slices Habib open with a sparkly sword.)

WEIMER: I can't believe this guy won the 'Create-a-NPC' contest.
GHREYFEIN: Dude!
COMPTON: Nice job there. See you at the next committee meeting.
WEIMER: Right.

(Weimer and his horse disappear as suddenly as they appeared.)

COMPTON: Ah, that Weimer. Weimer did this, and Weimer did that, and Weimer did some damned other thing. Weimer smote the ground with his magical compiling skills, and there sprung Solaufein, fully mature and on his horse. Then Weimer, Solaufein, and the horse, went on to found the modding community all by there lonesomes! But nobody remembers us, do they? Oh, no, all they think about is Weimer and Solaufein and Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey--
MAZZY: Shut up! Will you shut up!

(Mazzy starts beating up on Compton. Well, Compton's kneecaps. Mazzy's short.)

COMPTON: Um, help? Help, help, I'm being attacked?
MAZZY: Shut up! (pounds away)
COMPTON: Please help me, there's some looney halfling beating on my knees!

(Mazzy gets wise to the situation. The resulting SPLAT causes even Valygar to wince in pain. Ghreyfein laughs, but his laughter is cut short when he too suffers the same fate. Valygar can't stop giggling and he too is next. Soon, all three males are doubled over, clutching sensitive areas, and whimpering. Satisfied, Mazzy climbs back on her horse, and departs.)

GHREYFEIN: (to Compton) Some looney beating on your knees, indeed.
COMPTON: Those fists...they look small but they're heavy as coconuts, let me tell you.
VALYGAR: Why won't people stop talking about my coconuts?!

(pause)

COMPTON: Um, did we mod that?

[Userunfriendly]

I loved that one!!!

did you write another one???

oh comeon, you have to do the witch=viconia one...i know you can do it...

and yes, we are all guilty of recycling stuff...i rather think of it as inflicting my stories and songs on an unsuspecting and defenseless new audience...hehhehehhehehhe!!!!!!!!!

[SixOfSpades]

Rather anticlimactic after Pirengle's Scene 3, but I just figured all the BG filks should be in the same thread.

DESUMA MALEVOIS:
I am a very model of a modern Aerie devotee,
I'm asinine, fanatical, and handsome as a mantee,
I've proclaimed Aerie's virtues all from here to Minneapolis,
So why do all my friends say that I'm acting like a ja-ack-aaass?

SIXOFSPADES:
It's true that what you say is quite correct, though somewhat slanderous;
The flaws of this winged Elf are both consistent and quite ponderous,
Yet all those who support her have some valid points of view to hold
In favor of this boring, ditzy, anorexic twelve-year-old.

Her Wisdom and Intelligence are quite high, for one so naive,
A skillful Mage and spellcaster, she causes enemies to grieve,
But if she claims to know the ways and means to cast all sorts of things,
Why does she simply not cast Wish, so that she could grow back her wiinnnggggs?

Her comments are monotonous and show no backbone, guts or brains,
Her talk of insecurity's a never-ending, dull refrain,
We go into a mine and then she quickly starts to whine and tell
Me "Being underground is simply not for the Avariel!"

[Userunfriendly]

good one!!!

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Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips!
Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips!

From the Jansen's lab come forth each week
The pallid monsters of which we speak
Except when he has to take a leak!

Turnips, Turnips!

Oh, isn't it pityticing
Turnips eating the city
Can no-one stop these mutant veggies
Gnomes keep hiding behind the heggies!
Can Jan ever stop those idiotic stories?

"Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips! Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips!
They'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you
They'll grab a gnome by the legs
And bite his head off, OH SMEG!
They're marching down the slums
Grabbing gnomish children, pappys and mums
They're pallid, pale, hairy, scary
Crunchy to the core
They're standing just outside your door!
Remember my cousin Beloo
While using his outdoor loo
He turned around and he did see
Turnips hiding in his tree
Now he's just a memory!
I know I'm going to miss him
A turnip bit my sister once
Athkatla today was lost
They're marching on Beregost
The Turnips are on their way!

Jan woke up screaming in pure terror. The rest of the party jumped up out of their bedrolls, weapons ready, while the last watch rapidly scanned the surrounding woods for any hint of danger. After everyone looked at Jan, saw him covered in cold sweat, and trembling violently, they realized he had a nightmare, and stood down.

Aerie grabbed him in a hug, and asked quietly in a gentle voice what was the matter. After everyone heard his stammering description of a dream where giant mutated vegetables had come to eat him, while singing an evil song, laughter filled the clearing where the party had settled down for the night.

Aerie moved her bedroll closer to Jan while he settled down back to sleep.The next day, Aerie was astonished to find Jan awake and munching on two turnips at once, each hand clenched around the leafy stalk.

"Urm, Jan, I'd thought you wouldn't be able to look at another turnip for a while, after last night's dream???" she enquired.

"Pre-emeptive strike, my dear child!" he mumbled around a mouth full of the crunchy veggie.

Of course, the party didn't find it nearly as funny the next week when they visited the Jansen home in the slums and had an encounter with the Turnip Golem...

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some more queen...

The songs parodied here are "We will rock you" by queen, and "Green Acres"....a most unusual combination, but it works...

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Sir Anomen Delryn stepped out from the back curtain, stripped to the waist, and wearing a pair of black leather pants at least two sizes too small for him.

Three Knights of the Order of the Radient Heart followed, also stripped to the waist, and wearing armored greaves and boots. The shaved torsos of the knights glistened in the bright light of the midday sun, due to the layer of oil rubbed on their bodies.

Sir Keldorn Firkam, almost unrecognizable in jet black armor, studded with spikes, ran a fingering on his Weave-amplified black base guitar, the instrument snarling as feedback and distortion amplified sound filled the auditorium. His fingers literally blurred with speed, as a incredibly complex and driving beat of the melody poured out of the smokin' instrument. Sir Ryan Trawl sat behind him, wearing matching black spiked armor, twin drumsticks wielded like weapons as he thrashed out a complex tattoo on the full drumset surrounding him. The crowd of young men and women went wild with excitement.

The back up singers began pounding out a strong beat, as Sir Anomen stepped up to the microphone. The beat went "dum, dum, DUM!!! dum, dum, DUM!!!" as the backup singers used their steel boots to drive the sound to the audience.

Everyone clapped out the beat in unison as Anomen began singing.

Buddy you're a smelly orc
Stinky yucky groady breath to make a billy goat turn gray
Get yer head from my face
You skunky disgrace
We'll be kickin' your can all over the place

Singin'

'We will we will SMITE you!!!(dum, dum, DUM!!!)
We will we will SMITE you!!!(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

Buddy you're ugly troll
Spurting dripping goo-filled oozing makes me puke all day
You got slime on yo' face
You puffy disgrace
Wavin' your flabby claws all over the place

'We will we will SMITE you!!!(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

Singin'

'We will we will SMITE you!!!(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

Buddy you're a yippin gnoll
Barking yapping yodeling snapping annoying me I say
You got drool on your face
You noisy disgrace
The Order's gonna put you back into your place

'We will we will SMITE you'(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

Singin'

'We will we will SMITE you'(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

Everybody!

'We will we will SMITE you'(dum, dum, DUM!!!)
'We will we will SMITE you'(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

Alright!!!

Sir Keldorn finished with an incredibly complex and rocking guitar solo that brought the house down in applause as the knights bowed to the wildly cheering audience, and the curtain closed for the next act.

Aerie handed Anomen a big mug of cold wine as he joined them backstage.

"Good number! They're still clapping! I never knew you had musical talent, Sir Anomen!" said Nalia enthusiastically.

"Well, I was in the order's glee clubs and barbershop quartets during my noviciate, however..." Anomen fell silent as the curtain opened on the next act.

Three people stepped out, and a frolicking melody began to play as the singers took their place. One was obviously dressed up in an oafish version of the Amnish guard uniform, with a dented breastplate, and a bent sword in his hand.

The next one was obviously Aran Linvale, his expensive and immaculately tasteful clothing fitting him perfectly. A sartorial masterpiece. The third was a half elven girl, dressed in sleek black leathers. She did a series of dazzlingly skilled martial arts kata's, doing high kicks, flurrys of punches into the air, and generally showing off. They started singing to the spritely tune.

Shadow Thief:
Shadow Thieves be the place for me.
Picking pockets is the life that's free.
Sheep spread out so far and wide
Nimble fingers and you'll be fleecing them citywide.

Amnish Guard:
The guard is where you'd rather stay.
Steel Armor for you to shine all day.
You don't ever want the jailhouse view.
Rotting in prison will make you really blue.

Shadow Thief and Amnish Guard:
...The pockets.
...The dockets.
...Thieves lair.
...Lawbreaker beware.

Aran:
I run the council of six.

Amnish Guard:
This really just sticks!

All together:
Shadow Thieves we are there.

Sir Keldorn joined them, having obviously taken a long time to remove his hot armor.

"I HATE career day!" he said as he looked at the class of 1389, as they clapped even louder for the funny comedy skit of the Shadow Thieves. Sir Anomen nodded vigorously.
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I've killed my orcs
Time after time
I've even whacked Drizzt
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of quests
Explode in my face
But I've come through
And I need to go on and on and on and on

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll fight Amelissan at the very end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for turnips
'Cause we are the champions of the Throne

I've shot my bows
And cast my spells
You've bought me riddles and quests
And everything that goes with it
I thank you all
But it's been no bed of turnips no breakfast plate
I consider it a challenge before the whole sword coast
And I ain't gonna lose
And I need to go on and on and on and on

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll fight Amelissan at the very end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for turnips
'Cause we are the champions of the Throne

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll fight Amelissan at the very end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for turnips
'Cause we are the champions of the Throne

[Userunfriendly]

Originally posted by SixOfSpades: :picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, then looks under furniture to see where his ass rolled to: Userunfriendly, that RULES. On a somewhat-related note, some of our local branches of the Society for Creative Anachronisms are putting together some material for a fundraising CD, and since I was lucky enough to win the Shire of Shittimwoode's 1st annual Bardic Tournament this summer, I'm probably going to be in it. I'm working on "I Am the Very Model of a Modern SCAdian," but have you any objections to hearing "Vegetarian Rhapsody" on there as well? (Provided, of course, that A) I can find some backup performers B) The muckety-mucks in charge would want a Baldur's Gate song on there C) The CD isn't already filled with more "legitimate" filks & actual authentic works and D) I can find a copy of how Queen sang it [as all I have right now is the Weird Al version].)

urm...if the songs ever get performed, will you post a link so we can all hear it???

[SixOfSpades]

Originally posted by Userunfriendly: urm...if the songs ever get performed, will you post a link so we can all hear it???

Nope. It's a fundraising CD, so ripping MP3s from it would kind of defeat the purpose, wouldn't you think?

But, since the chance of BG filks being recorded on an official SCA album is rather slim, the songs might very well be recoded under some other aegis, in which case would probably be completely right and proper to post them on the Net, especially in a BG2 forum. Time will tell.

[Userunfriendly]

Originally posted by SixOfSpades: quote: Originally posted by Userunfriendly: urm...if the songs ever get performed, will you post a link so we can all hear it???

Nope. It's a fundraising CD, so ripping MP3s from it would kind of defeat the purpose, wouldn't you think?

But, since the chance of BG filks being recorded on an official SCA album is rather slim, the songs might very well be recoded under some other aegis, in which case would probably be completely right and proper to post them on the Net, especially in a BG2 forum. Time will tell. [/QUOTE]urm...nope, don't want to hear whole cd, just my song...kinda selfish that way....

[Jaradu]

You COULD use a good aligned cleric (Aerie, Anomen, you) to find traps then use a bard (Haer'Dalis, you) to do the thieving ability on either a locked thing or a trap. I'm not sure if Bards can disarm traps but they can open locks and pickpocket. Although Haer'Dalis is Chaotic Neutral, he is a very good-at-heart person who will leave at a bad reputation. I'm not sure if Jan leaves at a bad reputation, which means that overall Haer'Dalis is nicer.

[HolyWarrior]

Well, for THIS game I decided to use Yoshimo until Spellhold.

Imoen w/Boots of Stealth and the Mercykiller Ring should be decent enough for thieving without using too many potions.

[Haldir]

You should use Imoen or Jan...