Joke World 02-01-10

[Timber Loftis]

[Arvon]

In case you ever get these two environments confused, this should clear things up a bit. Now, aren't you glad to be free?

•In prison you spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell. At work you get a 6x6 cubicle.
•In prison you get three free meals per day. At work, you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
•In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get more work for good behavior.
•In prison the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you have to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.
•In prison you get to watch TV and play games. At work, you'll get fired for doing that.
•In prison you get your own toilet. At work, you have to share a toilet with folks who pee on the seat.
•In prison they allow you to see your friends and family. At work, you're not even supposed to speak to them.
•In prison you spend most of your time inside bars wanting to get out. At work, you spend most of your time wanting to be in bars.
•In prison you have to deal with a sadistic, irritated, grumpy and impatient warden. At work, he's called your boss.
There is something seriously wrong with this picture... now get back to work! You're not getting paid to read jokes!

[Arvon]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

[Timber Loftis]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially'
and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homosexual."

[Timber Loftis]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies
saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Larry
was left.

'Larry, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in
Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival
knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four
more with the knife, 'till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the HELL away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

Larry is doing detention all week.

[Arvon]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many
people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody
could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the
little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or
what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

[Timber Loftis]

[Arvon]

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. he's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"