Joke World 11-1-08

[Bungleau]

Odd news, but funny...

Ancient Greeks pre-empted Dead Parrot sketch By Daniel Flynn Daniel Flynn – Fri Nov 14, 2:15 pm ET ATHENS (Reuters) – "I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it." For those who believe the ancient Greeks thought of everything first, proof has been found in a 4th century AD joke book featuring an ancestor of Monty Python's Dead Parrot sketch where a man returns a parrot to a shop, complaining it is dead. The 1,600-year-old work entitled "Philogelos: The Laugh Addict," one of the world's oldest joke books, features a joke in which a man complains that a slave he has just bought has died, its publisher said Friday. "By the gods," answers the slave's seller, "when he was with me, he never did any such thing!" In a British comedy act Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch, first aired in 1969 and regularly voted one of the funniest ever, the pet-shop owner says the parrot, a "Norwegian Blue," is not dead, just "resting" or "pining for the fjords." The English-language book will appeal to those who swear that the old jokes are the best ones. Many of its 265 gags will seem strikingly familiar, suggesting that sex, dimwits, nagging wives and flatulence have raised laughs for centuries. FAR-FETCHED CLOAK In many of the jokes, a slow-witted figure known as the "student dunce" is the butt of the jokes. In one, the student dunce goes to the city and a friend asks him to buy two 15-year-old slaves: No problem,' responds the dunce. If I don't find two 15-year-olds, I'll get one 30-year-old.' In another, someone asks to borrow the student's cloak to go down to the country. "I have a cloak to go down to your ankle, but I don't have one that reaches to the country," he replies. The manuscript is attributed to a pair of ancient comedians called Hierocles and Philagrius. Little is known about them except that they were most likely the compilers of the jokes, not the original writers. The multi-media e-book, which can be purchased online ( http://www.yudu.com/oldestjokebook ), features veteran British comedian Jim Bowen, 71, reviving the lines before a 21-century audience. "Jim Bowen brings them back from the dead. It's like Jurassic Park for jokes," Richard Stephenson, CEO of digital publisher YUDU, said in a statement. For Bowen, much of the material seemed very familiar: "One or two of them are jokes I've seen in peoples' acts nowadays, slightly updated: they put in a motor car instead of a chariot." Other one-liners in Philogelos may baffle a modern audience, such as a series of jokes about a lettuce, which only make sense in light of the ancient belief it was an aphrodisiac. (editing by Peter Millership)

It only remains to be seen if the customer goes back to the seller's place...

[VulcanRider]

Lettuce is an aphrodisiac?

[VulcanRider]

ANOTHER FAIRY TALE...

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag nor bitch.

She was beautiful and kind.

She had a good job and helped provide for her family.

She paid attention to the lights on the dashboard, and could pump her own gas.

She was a fabulous cook, and always asked what you wanted first.

She even helped in the yard, and would take out the trash if it was full.

But this was a long time ago.

And it was just that one day.

The End.

[Arvon]

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay! And so…

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!”

“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!” The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics, University of Georgia

[Arvon]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee
down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks
out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the
counter and says to the waiter, 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United
States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for
others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.'

[Arvon]

Origami Bank folded last night. Apparently Sumo Fund Managers went
belly up and Bonsai Bank, after a period of stunted growth, now plans
to cut back some of its branches.


Kamikaze Bank took a dive and 1,500 staff at Karate Bank got the
chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi
Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal. Onsen Bank has
taken a bath and even Miso Bank is in the soup. The share value of
Samurai Bank has been slashed.


On the plus side, now is a good time to buy Karaoke Bank, its shares
can be had for a song.

[Bungleau]

Betcha the barkeep's glad the Indian wanted to shoot the bull instead of shoot the s**t...

[Bungleau]

I'm sure others have seen this, but my daughter just showed it to me yesterday... the llama song..



time for me to retire now and become a duck...

[Arvon]

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"

[Arvon]

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"