Joke World 11-1

[Arvon]

http://txc.net.au/~mapie/ohdear13.jpg

[Arvon]

Now this one is funny:

http://rapidshare.com/files/69391405/Apan.wmv

[Arvon]

You have to be kidding right? This is a joke...


http://rapidshare.com/files/69391402...nical4Women.wm

[Arvon]

The Lesson:

The Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying:


Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who thirst justice.
Blessed are you when persecuted.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven...

Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And James said, "Will we have a test on it?"
And Phillip said, "What if we don't know it?"
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Matthew said, "When do we get out of here?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with the real life?"



Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' Lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain... and Jesus wept.

[Arvon]

Liver and Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her all at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, the Poodle decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one of you who uses the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Labrador Retriever speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "that shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, "How well can you do?"

"Um...I HATE liver and cheese!" blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you?"

The last of the three males is a handsome exiled Cuban dog. He gives her a big smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... "Liver alone, Cheese mine.

[Arvon]

Now here's a new problem for society

The prominent Rotterdam Natural History Museum in the Netherlands, which houses over 300,000 species, announced in October that it was missing a particular one that it fears is dying out: crab lice (pubic hair lice). In a June science journal article, researchers had hypothesized that the "Brazilian bikini wax" was in part responsible for the scarcity; said the museum's curator, "Pubic lice can't live without pubic hair." [Newsday-AP, 10-19-07]

[VulcanRider]

"Pubic lice can't live without pubic hair." [Newsday-AP, 10-19-07]

And this is bad, how??

[Arvon]

The Cop

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence.....

"Get well soon.....

From the nurse in the jeep you pulled over last week"

[Iron Greasel]

Originally Posted by VulcanRider "Pubic lice can't live without pubic hair." [Newsday-AP, 10-19-07] And this is bad, how??

The people working at a natural history museum are probably the kind of people who really believe in biodiversity, and think that animal species are inherently valuable. That even animals with no obvious use (such as pandas), even animals that are not cute (such as flies), even animals that are actually harmful to people (such as malaria parasites) should not be destroyed.

I'm not off topic, the topic is off topic.

[Arvon]

Amusing Word Re-definitions

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.