Joke World 04-01-09

[Bungleau]

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusally fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord." The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.

He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira" ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In The the Chief Rabbi's chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.

After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter.Shekel 50" ($0.42).

The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap?"

The Rabbi smiles, "Local call."

[Variol (Farseer) Elmwood]

ALWAYS...twirl once in front of the mirror

This is exactly why you should always, ALWAYS... twirl once in front of the mirror before leaving the house.

But just think how many people she made smile throughout the day

[Arvon]

Ahh, SMS… the little Short Message Service we can’t live without. Text messages, you know… kind of like twitter but on your phone. Who else sends more than 10 of these a day? I’ve got a friend that averages 1 SMS sent/received every 35 seconds according to his last bill. Crazy. Well, at any rate, here are some popular SMS jokes to help you waste everybody’s time and annoy your friends.

Top 20 ‘Funny’ SMS Text Messages

The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”
I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.
Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
What do u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
Born Free… Taxed to Death.
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait… searching… searching… still searching… sorry NO BRAIN found.
Ok, these are more of a cross between old Confucius sayings and one-liner jokes… but then again I suppose that’s what it’s all about. Feel free to add your own favorites in the comments.

[Arvon]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK, OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead… “Your f***ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

[Bungleau]

From Mother Goose and Grimm, a comic strip:

[thecarrotdude]

Originally Posted by Arvon Sarcastically speaking, I dare you to do some of the things found on my top ten list. 10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car. 9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, “in hundreds”. 8. Call a political candidate’s campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacAy. 7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die. 6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.) 5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan. 4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it. 3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified. 2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an “access fee” for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing. And the #1 Sarcastic Dare… 1. Circulate a petition to put “intelligent human beings” on the endangered species list.

good thing you never said this was supposed to be funny

[thecarrotdude]

Originally Posted by Bungleau The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusally fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord." The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira" ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In The the Chief Rabbi's chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter.Shekel 50" ($0.42). The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap?" The Rabbi smiles, "Local call."

hahaha I've heard variations of this.

[VulcanRider]

A girl was babysitting her neighbor's 4-year old, and noticed the cat's litterbox had an odor. Hoping to impress the parents, she started cleaning it. Looking up, she saw the 4-year old watching her. The sitter asked "Does your mommy do this?", to which the child answered "No, the cat did."

[Arvon]

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, ‘So how’s your breakfast this morning?’ It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble withone of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked.’The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying anew one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her babyin the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered, ‘Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive.’

Submitted By An RN (No Name)
A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety oftattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completely nude they noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly andslightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I Instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

And, finally…

Dr. Wouldn’t Submit His Name
As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No, Doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner”.

[Arvon]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem p***d off in the least………. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said ‘oh sh*t.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.