Joke World 11-1-08

[Arvon]

A young hotshot lawyer went out and bought the fastest car in the world, the new SSC Ultimate Aero, for a cool $750,000. It was a nice day outside, so he took the car for it’s first drive on the street.

As he stops at a red light, an old man on a mobility scooter rodes off the sidewalk and pulls up next to him. The man on the scooter, who had to be at least 70 years old, leaned over at the driver’s side window and asked “Nice car there Sonny, what is it?”

“Why, this is the Ultimate Aero, the fastest car in the world. It has 1183 horsepower and can go 257 miles per hour!” exclaimed the cocky attorney. “And” he continued, “it cost 3/4 of a million dollars!”

“Wow,” replied the old man, “mind if I take a look inside?” he asked. “Of course not,” the lawyer said proudly.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back down on his mobility scooter, says, “That’s a pretty fancy sportscar, all right… but I’ll stick with my scooter!”

Just then, the light changes and the lawyer decides to show the old man with his car is all about. The car goes from 0-60mph in just 2.7 seconds and, before he realizes it he’s doing 220mph. Looking back, he notices a small dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

“What in the world could be possibly be going faster than my Aero?” the young lawyer asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot again… this time coming toward him. Whooooooossh! It flies by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! “Couldn’t be,” thinks the lawyer. “How could a moped outrun an Ultimate Aero?”

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror, but before he could react… Whooosh Ka-BbblaaaaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, completely demolishing the rear end. The young lawyer jumps out and, to his suprise, it’s the old man on the mobility scooter!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my God! Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man groans and moans, finally he replies… “Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!”

[Timber Loftis]

Tsk, tsk, Arvon. As a young hotshot lawyer, I'll let you know that we could never afford such a car. We could, however, get one of these fun little toys:

[VulcanRider]

You have a white Scion?

[Arvon]

John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you’re married, you can imagine what he’s probably going through. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” She was serious too, so John got serious.

The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.

Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday.

[Bungleau]

Originally Posted by Timber Loftis Tsk, tsk, Arvon. As a young hotshot lawyer, I'll let you know that we could never afford such a car. We could, however, get one of these fun little toys:

Timber, you're a young hotshot lawyer with wife and kid. That automagically drops you down a car or three...

[Arvon]

Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're shorthanded, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"

[Arvon]

Jake, Greg, and John all die and go to Heaven. When they get to Heaven's gates, St. Peter says that Heaven is the best place ever and that they may stay there for eternity and be very happy if the just follow the one and only rule: don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, it starts quacking, and then they ALL start quacking, and it's just way too much racket! Jake, Greg, and John all think that this rule is pretty strange, but they agree and go into Heaven. Then they see that everywhere there's ducks. There were so many ducks that they had a hard time just walking around in heaven.

Now Jake tried hard not to step on a duck, but he was quite clumsy, and almost immediately he stepped on a duck. It started quacking, then they all started quacking, creating a huge racket. Immediately St. Peter marched up to him and screamed "I told you not to step on a duck! Now see what you did? It started quacking, and they ALL started quacking, and it's just too much noise!" And he chained a ferocious-looking Amazon woman onto him to stay for all eternity as punishment.

Seeing this, Greg was VERY careful not to step on a duck. But, after a few weeks, he stepped on one anyway. It started quacking, then they all started quacking, and St. Peter marched up to him. "I told you not to step on a duck!" he screamed, and chained to him a horrid-looking shrew-like woman to stay for all of eternity as punishment.

Now John was EXTREMELY careful not to step on a duck. Actually, he didn't step on a duck for seven whole months! Then St. Peter came up to him and chained to him a beautiful blonde woman for all of eternity.

"Wow," said John, "I wonder what I did to deserve this!" "I don't know about you," the woman said, "but I stepped on a duck!"

[Arvon]

A freshly elected Barrack Obama is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen when a little man comes up to him.

“Excuse me Mr. President but my name is Jason Prins and I’m here with an extremely important client tonight. We’re going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, “Hello Jason”.

President Obama, eager to please, readily agrees and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by deep in conversation with his client. Obama approached him and said ” Hello Jason.”

The little man says “F**k off, Barrack! I’m in a meeting!” and keeps walking.

[Variol (Farseer) Elmwood]

Originally Posted by Arvon A freshly elected Barrack Obama is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen when a little man comes up to him. “Excuse me Mr. President but my name is Jason Prins and I’m here with an extremely important client tonight. We’re going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, “Hello Jason”. President Obama, eager to please, readily agrees and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by deep in conversation with his client. Obama approached him and said ” Hello Jason.” The little man says “F**k off, Barrack! I’m in a meeting!” and keeps walking.

Is that supposed to be funny?

[Bungleau]

Now, for plan B....