09-23-2001, 10:49 AM | #11 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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Light travels faster than the speed of sound. That is why some people seem bright until you hear them speak.
------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow. |
09-23-2001, 10:51 AM | #12 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you're a pauper," the accountant replied.Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck,’ her mother said. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.’"Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?""Simple," replied the priest. "It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re going to get fucked anyway." ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow. |
09-23-2001, 10:55 AM | #13 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKES
PART I: 1970: Long hair 2000: Longing for hair 1970: The perfect high 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1970: KEG 2000: EKG 1970: Acid rock 2000: Acid reflux 1970: Moving to Calif. because it's cool 2000: Moving to Calif. because it's warm 1970: Growing pot 2000: Growing pot belly 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids 1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1970: Seeds and stems 2000: Roughage 1970: Popping pills, smoking joints 2000: Popping joints 1970: Our President's struggle with Fidel 2000: Our President's struggle with fidelity 1970: Paar 2000: AARP ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow. |
09-23-2001, 10:56 AM | #14 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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> Subject: who's in charge?
> > > > > > All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide > > who was the one in charge. > > > > "I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's > > systems, so without me nothing would happen". > > > > "I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all > > over, so without me you'd all waste away." > > > > "I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and > give > > all of you energy." > > > > "I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever > it > > needs to go." > > > > "I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see > > where it goes." > > > > "I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for > waste > > removal." > > > > All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a > > huff, he shut down tight. > > > > Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was > > bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. > > They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. > > > > The Moral of the story? > > The asshole is usually in charge. > > ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow. |
09-23-2001, 10:57 AM | #15 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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The Best That Could Happen
Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at this point in their lives. The 80-year-old said, "I'd like nothing better than to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again." The 85-year-old said, "I'd like nothing better than to have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem." The 90-year-old man said, "Every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and a half hour later I have a fantastic bowel movement. I'd like nothing better than to wake up beforehand." ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow. |
09-23-2001, 10:58 AM | #16 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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Subject: Tissue Donation A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." i should put this in Vasquez's mother in law thread too, ya think? ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow. |
09-23-2001, 11:03 AM | #17 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back." QUICK WIT: A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow. |
09-23-2001, 11:04 AM | #18 |
20th Level Warrior
Join Date: September 6, 2001
Location: The lighter side of life, a.k.a. Newnan, Georgia
Age: 55
Posts: 2,767
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OH NO! We've created a monster!!!!
Keep 'em comin'! ------------------ The day we stop learning is the day we start dying!(c) *Member of the HADB clan. Mage extraordinair. Occasional subjugate to Gwhanos the Fluffy * (when G is behaving) "Allright! We'll call it a draw." |
09-23-2001, 11:06 AM | #19 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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Join in, Dragon Mage, send us your funnies so we can laugh. I'm going to spam everyone I know with 250's AT&T conversation, as soon as I get all the coffee off my screen and keyboard
------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow. |
09-23-2001, 11:08 AM | #20 |
Ninja Storm Shadow
Join Date: March 27, 2001
Location: Northport,Alabama, USA
Age: 62
Posts: 3,577
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ROTFLMAO!!!!! I knew Sphinxsters were more important than popular belief.
[ 11-14-2001: Message edited by: Ziroc ] |
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