divorced parents

[Cristian]

that was a wonderful poem

[Mouse]

I can't tell you how to deal with your feelings because I haven't been through what you have to deal with. All I can say is that one of my best friends has two kids by a previous marriage and they are the nicest, best adjusted kids you could hope to meet. Divorce must be hard on you, but given time and support, you will cope. One thing you must remember is that divorce does not mean that either of your parents loves you less.

All the best [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

[ 05-11-2003, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: Mouse ]

[Aelia Jusa]

Like Mouse, I've never had to go through what you're going through. I will say however, that you should never apologise for what you're feeling, or think that your feelings are wrong, or you should be feeling something more 'appropriate' or less confronting, or more 'normal'. Your feelings are yours, and they are valid and what 'most people' might 'normally' be feeling at this situation is irrelevant.

That doesn't mean that just because you're feeling a certain way, you can do whatever you like - you shouldn't be, as I'm sure you have not been, rude or disrespectful to this new guy, or to your mother. Perhaps you could talk to her though, and tell her how you're feeling - she may not realise that you are upset by it. Nothing you say is going to make your parents get 'undivorced', but if you let them know how you feel, it could be easier.

Hope it all works out for you [img]smile.gif[/img]

[ 05-11-2003, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: Aelia Jusa ]

[Spelca]

Originally posted by Cristian: my parents has recently got divorced and im so sad now it feels so strange to come home to the house when my dad aint there anymore now i live with my mom and only meet my dad 3 days every other week. im sad and feel uncomftorable i really want both my dad and my mom in the same house. and now my mom has met an new guy and is it normal to hate that guy so much as i do?

My parents got divorced when I was 10, and it was really really hard because the divorce wasn't nice... it was more like a war. It was awful, and I'm still not on good terms with my father. My mum also started dating some other man a while after she got divorced, and I hated him. I really tried to make his life miserable... But after a while I realised that he was making my mum happy, so I behaved better. And I really started liking him. [img]smile.gif[/img]
I know what you're going through right now is hard, but you should remember that no matter what your parents still love you, and you still have both of them, even though life is a bit different now. [img]smile.gif[/img] And don't hate that other man that much... he's making your mum happy, and that's all that matters. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Hayashi]

Cristian
I don't know how old you are, so I can't be very specific with what I'm going to say.
It's normal to feel lousy, it's normal (I think) to hate "the other guy" - that's just a manifestation of your sense of loss.
But when adults decide to divorce, it's never because of the children, it's more likely due to problems between the adults - irreconcilable differences, or perhaps a "wandering eye" ie adultery on the one part, or perhaps the adults simply stop working at the relationship.
It's unfortunate that this has to happen, but it's life & cliched though it may sound, you will need to get on with life. Love your parents unreservedly, both mom & dad, and at least show be polite to your future step-father.
My parents divorced when I was 5, and I grew up without knowing who my mum was, nor my sister (my mum had custody of my sis while my dad had me). Both my mum & sis moved out of the country and eventually settled in the UK after my mum remarried an English surgeon.
The important thing is, your parents both love you still although it may not be apparent. You'll be a better person if you can keep this traumatic experience from making you bitter and cynical about life & love.

[AliCat]

I wish you the best of luck... and patience.

I have been there. My parents divorced pretty amicably, and maybe that was a little part of the problem for us three kids, because it's real hard to see why they are breaking up the family if they can get along so well. A divorce is never just an event between two people, if children are involved; it IS breaking up the family.

We felt the same as you when our mother started dating again. I'm not going to be all cheery and say "go, be nice to your future stepfather". Ours certainly did not seem to make my mother happy, and there was a lot of emotional abuse going on to my mother and siblings from him, as well as... (this is difficult to phrase)... sexual verbiage and preliminaries directed to us kids. We all suffered, going through teenage years and beyond, with a lot of issues. We still saw my dad regularly, but of course went through the teenage stage of wanting to be seen hanging out with friends, not with my dad. It was also hard because when my mother remarried, we moved to a small town with values a great deal different than what we'd had before, where you belonged either to one church or the other, where we were one of the rare "broken homes", where nearly everyone was white (so were we), religious (we weren't), and conservative (and rich, which we weren't either).

And even years later, it still hurt like heck to see my mother and father dance at my sister's wedding, because it looked so natural, so right, so... the way it was supposed to be.

We all get along relatively well now, and the atmosphere in the house got a lot better once we kids all moved out and my stepfather retired. But it took until then.

So, with luck, your mom will find a good man that not only makes her happy, but who can make you happy too. Try to stay on good terms with both parents. And also realize that this doesn't mean that YOU are going to have a hard time with it when you are old enough to fall in love and get married; for us, it meant we were VERY choosy with our mates and took marriage seriously, not as a temporary option.

And if things do not work out well with either your mom or dad, please talk to someone. Of course, you could always wait it out until you leave home, but do realize that there are people you can talk to, here and at school, and we care.

[Bungleau]

My parents got divorced when I was three. Saw my dad for a day on weekends, if he remembered to show up. That got better over time. I now get on well with both my parents.

It's not easy on the parents, and I can tell you that I really don't remember the nasty parts when I was three. Too many dead brain cells ago...

But I can pass along some viewpoints from the battlefield. Take 'em, and feel free to use 'em or throw 'em out -- whatever makes sense to you.

First, the marriage was between your parents. So's the divorce. You're not part of it, as a reason, cause, or anything else. It's between them. Make sure they keep it between them.

Second, you don't have to choose between your parents. They don't love each other like they did, but that doesn't mean you have to change your own mind. You can still love both of them and want to be with them.

Third, you don't have to choose between them. This sounds like a repeat, but it's not. It took me until I was around 19 to figure out that I didn't want to be a go-between for them. If one had something to say to the other, I told them to ask the other directly, and to avoid using me as a messenger-boy so they didn't have to deal with it. Wish I would have learned this earlier. Heck, I wish I would have listened earlier, that I might have learned it.

Fourth, there's always someone to talk to. You can check at your school or religious institution ('cause they're not all churches!) for a counselor, someone you can just talk to about what's going on. You can also ask your parents for help with finding a counselor as well. Trust me -- it does no good to keep it bottled up inside... :madheck:

Fifth, many kids fall into a trap of "if I had done something different, they'd still be together". That's bull-puckey. They decided. Likewise, there's a second trap of "if I keep this guy/gal away, they might get back together". That's more bull-puckey. Your parents are adults, and will do what they feel is best. If you push back, you run the chance of being branded un-cooperative and worse.

Now, that doesn't mean that if you genuinely dislike the guy, you have to pretend you don't. And it doesn't mean that if something inappropriate is going on, you're supposed to shut up about it. Far from it. If that stuff happens, pass it along.

Just don't be afraid to say, "I know you're dating my mom/dad, but this is a difficult time for me. It's nothing against you personally, but I'm not quite ready for my mom/dad to be dating. And it's her/his choice, not mine, so don't take it personal if I don't jump for joy or anything like that."

A "real" person will be comfortable enough to accept that as a valid position, and to be willing to discuss it with you.

Leastways, that's how I view the world, and I rather like it that way

Good luck to you, and peace throughout the process...

*B*
Been there, done that, still got the T-shirt

[Azred]

My parents split on so-so terms; not really friendly but not a mud-slinging knock-down drag-out.

Don't waste your own time or emotional energy hating anyone; save those for your own mental health. A divorce is just like any other loss, which means you will go through four stages: denial, anger, grief, then acceptance.

Your parents made a choice to separate. Now it is your turn to make a choice--will you choose to love your parents despite their separation or will you choose to turn your back on them? Either way, you will need to lead your own life.

Not the easiest advice to which to listen, but I wish I had told myself this 15 years ago.

[Sigmar]

My dad walked out on me and my brothers when I was three. I remember that day perfectly, the earliest thing I can remember. He used to think seeing me once in a while when its convinient for him would rectify this, when I was old enough I told him he was wrong.

No kid should have to go through any of this, unfortunately this is the reality of life Cristian and I suppose all of us just have to accept it and look foward to a better tomorrow. My dad also has a new girlfriend and sepends most of his money on her, taking her on cruises and the like. Hell, guess where he is right now. I'm glad I've got my mom. The only advice that I can offer you is take all the chances you can get to see each of your parents.

And Charlie, I'm still waiting for that sun to shine.

[Lord Dracon]

Just remember what it was like when you are married, and don't put your kids through the same thing you were put through.