07-16-2001, 02:49 AM | #11 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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OATH TO MY FRIEND When you are scared,........... I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get. When you are worried,...........I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining. When you are sad,................I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucker who made you sad. When you are confused,........I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. And when you are lost,..........I will answer my cell phone and give you directions. When you are sick.................I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god. When you fall........................I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath......................I pledge till the end. Why you may ask?.............. Because you're my friend. And the whole reason people have friends is to have fun! ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To |
07-16-2001, 02:50 AM | #12 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! PART II
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6- inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars. In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened." ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To |
07-16-2001, 02:52 AM | #13 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts "It's not true that I said "actors are cattle." I said "they should be treated like cattle." - Alfred Hitchcock ------------------------------------------------------------- QUICK WIT: A State Slogan: Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother. THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50+ YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry * Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. * If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." * There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." * People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. * You should not confuse your career with your life. * No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. * When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. * Nobody cares if you can't dance well, Just get up and dance. * Never lick a steak knife. * Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. * The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. * You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. * You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. * There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. * "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. Ain't that the truth!!! * The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. * A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. * Your friends love you anyway. ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To |
07-16-2001, 02:53 AM | #14 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!" A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!" Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50! ! ." The second boysays, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!" Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no ma! ! le pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead. A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup." A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter." A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? " Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. Ithink I'm going to have a wife." ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To |
07-16-2001, 02:54 AM | #15 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large,
raging and violent river. They needed to get across to the other side but had no idea of how to do so. The first man called out to God, praying," Please God, give me the strength ........to cross the river." "POOFF!!!!! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across. It did however take him about two hours and he almost drowned a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying "Please God, give me the strength........ and the tools........ to cross the river." "POOFF!!!!!" God answered his prayer by giving him a rowboat. He was able to cross the river in about an hour, but it was rough going and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how things worked for the other two, so when he prayed to God he said "Please God, give me the strength........ and the tools........ and the intelligence........ to cross this river." And POOFF!!!!! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream for a hundred yards and then walked across the bridge. ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To |
07-16-2001, 02:56 AM | #16 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
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~~~~~~~~~~~~ No pun intended 1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." 3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. 4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?" 5. Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that, although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This is of course, is the orgin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!" 6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on." 7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off chew and swallow one inch of the leather ever day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." 8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing in the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." 9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the the squaws of the other two hides. NOTE: By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did. ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To |
07-16-2001, 02:57 AM | #17 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to
death. (Creepy.) If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig ... How'd they figure this out, and why?) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home...maybe at work? ...Still can't get over that pig thing) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of what? Did taxpayers pay for this research??) Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew? Who cares? How'd they find out? Ask them?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? ... And why pigs?) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....?) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez. That's almost as bad as catfish) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.) After reading all these, all I can say is...lucky pigs. ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To |
07-16-2001, 03:04 AM | #18 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." > >> > ************************************** > >> > So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side." > >> > ************************************** > >> > NOT ONE, BUT TWO BLONDES: Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em. ************************************** A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The jerk called back!" ************************************* A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first!" ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To |
07-16-2001, 03:04 AM | #19 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
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Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! PART III
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit- of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said a police spokesman, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" In Modesto, CA, A man was arrested for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Wonder what he uses for a knife? ------------------------------------------------------------- Funny Thoughts "I like long walks--especially when they're taken by people who annoy me." - Anon ------------------------------------------------------------- QUICK WIT: A State Slogan: Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To |
07-16-2001, 03:05 AM | #20 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
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>Technically challenged!
> >Take heart, anyone among you who believes >you are technologically challenged, you "ain't >seen nuthin' yet." This is an excerpt from a >Wall Street Journal article: > > 1. Compaq is considering changing the command >"Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of >the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. > > 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining >that her mouse was hard to control with the dust >cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic >bag the mouse was packaged in. > > 3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy >of her defective diskettes. A few days later a >letter arrived from the customer along with >photocopies of the floppies. > > 4. A Dell technician advised his customer to >put his troubled floppy back in the drive and >close the door. The customer asked the tech to >hold on and was heard putting the phone down, >getting up and crossing the room to close the >door to his room. > > 5. Another Dell customer called to say he >couldn't get his computer to fax anything. >After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the >technician discovered the man was trying to >fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of >the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. > > 6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain >that his keyboard no longer worked. He had >cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and >water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then >removing all the keys and washing them individually. > > 7. A Dell technician received a call from a >customer who was enraged because his computer had >told him he was "bad and invalid." The tech explained >that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" >responses shouldn't be taken personally. > > 8. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble >printing documents. He told the technician that the >computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The >user had also tried turning the computer screen to >face the printer but the computer still couldn't >"see" the printer". > > > 9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech >Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn >on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the >technician asked her what happened when she pushed >the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed >on the foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot >pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse! > > >10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to >say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said >she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there >for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When >asked what happened when she pressed the power >switch, she asked, "What power switch?" > > >11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing >software and rang for support. "I put in the first >disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second >disk, and I had some problems with that. But when >it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even >fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert >Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. > > >12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed >the instructions for installing software. The >instructions said to remove the disk from its cover >and insert into the drive. The user had physically >removed the casing of the floppy disk and wondered >why there were problems. > >13. True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop: >Caller: "Hello, is this the Tech Support?" >Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" >Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am >within my warranty period. How do I go about getting >that fixed?" >Tech: " I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" ------------------ Unstinting Gaurdian of Children Defender of Those Unable To |
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