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[vampyress-of-shadows]

How they killed the "Texas Eel"

Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy
should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other
boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to
hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her
boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least
his version).

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out
all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her,
and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She
started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt,
when he did this she began to moan and sigh.

Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was
lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and
unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don't know what
it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it
in his hands so it wouldn't get away. Sis tried to help him, so
she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and
stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on
it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving.

The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her
boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought
the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it
was slipping out and stuck it back in.

Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they
let the eel move but it didn't. It tried to get away but her
boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there
limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and
her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started
kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn't
come back to life again, so the battle started again.

Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time
they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin
off and flush it down the toilet."

[purre]

Originally posted by johnny: [img]graemlins/showoff.gif[/img]

LOL!!! [img]graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/laugh3.gif[/img]
I nearly fell off my chair!!!!

[vampyress-of-shadows]

Hooked

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a
fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks
the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's
a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that
someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night
he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again,
only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front
door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked
outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on
hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He
leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's
ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual
experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at
the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he
immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy
looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash
for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me,
it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He
leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly
faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself
until she shows up.

"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for
some ■■■■■?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the
street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You
see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a ■■■■■, I'd own
Manhattan!"

[vampyress-of-shadows]

Freezing my Penis

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old pen buggy one cold,
blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are
freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The
body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughte rwas riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The
boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put
them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put
it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and
he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and
she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly
concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well,
they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"

[vampyress-of-shadows]

Proxy Father

The British Governments policy of socialized medicine has
recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy
Fathers". Under the governments plan, any married woman who is
unable to become pregnant during the first five years of her
marriage may request the service of a "Proxy Father" a
government employee who attempts to solve the woman's problem by
getting her pregnant.

The Smiths, a young married couple have no children and the
government man is due to arrive. Mr. Smith on leaving, says "I'm
off, the Government man should be here soon". Instead, however a
door-to-door photographer who specialises in baby pictures rings
the bell.

The conversation went as follows:

Ms. Smith: Good morning.

Salesman: Good morning, you don't know me but I've come to...

Ms. Smith: Oh, you don't have to explain. My husband told me you
were coming.

Salesman: Oh? Well good. I've made a specialty of babies,
especially twins.

Ms. Smith: That's what my husband said. Please sit down.

Salesman: Then your husband probably told you that...

Ms. Smith: Oh yes, we both agreed this is the best thing to do.

Salesman: Well, in that case perhaps we should get right on with
it.

Ms. Smith: (blushing) Well, just where do we start?

Salesman: Just leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple in the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor works well.

Ms. Smith: Bathroom!!! Living room floor!!! No wonder it hasn't
worked for us.

Salesman: Well lady, none of us can guarantee a good one every
time, but if we try six or seven times one of 'em is bound to be
a honey.

Ms. Smith: Pardon me, but isn't this a bit informal?

Salesman: No indeed, in my line a man can't do his work in a
hurry.

Ms. Smith: Well have you had much success with this?

Salesman: (opening case and showing baby pictures) Just look at
these babies! They're all jobs I've handled. This one took four
hours.

Ms. Smith: Yes, this is a lovely child.

Salesman: But if you want to hear about a really tough
assignment, look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done
on top of a bus in downtown London.

Ms. Smith: OH MY GOD!!!

Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
They turned out exceptionally well when you consider that their
mother was hard to work with.

Ms. Smith: Oh, she was?

Salesman: Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were all around four
and five deep pushing to get a good look.

Ms. Smith: Four and five deep!!!

Salesman: Yes, and for more than three hours too. But I finally
got a couple of buddies to keep them back. I could've shot again
before dark, but by that time the squirrels were beginning to
nibble on my equipment and I had to give up.

Ms. Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your ahhh -
equipment?

Salesman: Yes, but it's all in a days work. I've spent three
long years perfecting my technique. Take this baby. I shot this
one in the front window of a big department store.

Ms. Smith: I can't believe it!

Salesman: Well, madam, if your ready, I'll get my tripod.

Ms. Smith: TRIPOD???!!!

Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment
on. It's much too heavy to hold in my hand. Ms. Smith... Ms.
Smith...Ms. Smith... Goodness, she fainted!!!

[/)eathKiller]

The real answer was: Where did all the punchlines go?

what do ya get when you cross a cat with a 10 foot pole? What do you get when you mix a goat with an owl? Why did the rooster cross the road?

A 10 foot pole cat

A hootenany

and he wanted to warn the chicken on the other side that was heading into a Wendy's...

[vampyress-of-shadows]

The blundering foreigner

A man had just moved to the United States, and he was having
trouble with the English language. He was walking along the
street one day when he passed a liquor store. The man decided
that he could really use a drink, so he decided to go in.
"Excuse me," he said to the clerk. "Where can I find a butt?" "A
butt?" asked the confused worker. "Oh oh, you must mean a BUD,"
and he sold the foreign man a six pack of Bud Light.

The man continued walking along, and soon he came upon a
hardware store. He thought of all the gardening that he had to
do at his new house, so he decided to go in. "Excuse me sir," he
said to a man wearing an apron. "Can you show me where I can
find a fucket?" "A fucket? Oh oh, you must mean a BUCKET," and
the clerk sold the foreigner a 10-gallon bucket.

The man kept walking until he came to a pet store. In the
window, he saw the most beautiful cockerspaniel. He simply had
to have the dog. "Excuse me," he said to the woman behind the
counter. "I want to buy that cockandspankit." "Cockandspankit?"
asked the confused woman. "Oh oh, you must be talking about that
COCKERSPANIEL," and she sold the man the cockerspaniel.

The man was headed back home with his purchases, when all of a
sudden, the dog's leash slips out of his hand. The man is
frantic, but he spots a police officer. "Officer!" exclaims the
foreigner. "Would you please hold my butt and fuckit, while I go
get my cockandspankit?"

[vampyress-of-shadows]

Austin Powers Pick up lines

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of
these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs...what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my
package.

5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only
one talking to you.

8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed
Thrasher,have you seen one?

9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell
outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I
could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is
only a light switch away.

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even
farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.

19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

21. F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my
bedroom floor.

23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it
later.

24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by
again?

25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to
you.

28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want
to.

29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you
been drinking?

30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth,
I bet we could do it in public.

31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you
like pizza?

32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home
without me.

33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I???

34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in
them.

35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room.

[vampyress-of-shadows]

Austin Powers Pick up lines

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of
these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs...what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my
package.

5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only
one talking to you.

8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed
Thrasher,have you seen one?

9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell
outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I
could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is
only a light switch away.

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even
farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.

19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

21. F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my
bedroom floor.

23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it
later.

24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by
again?

25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to
you.

28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want
to.

29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you
been drinking?

30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth,
I bet we could do it in public.

31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you
like pizza?

32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home
without me.

33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I???

34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in
them.

35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room.

[shadowhound]

Ladies and Gentlemen, here is the funniest cricket joke ever....
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The funniest cricket joke ever is... ENGLAND