Vicotnik's chamber of laughter

<< Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going
into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt
Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he
runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the
seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes
the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and,
"then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used
to do when Daddy was in the Army." >>



------------------
When given a choice, take both.

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on
a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until
he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the
chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a
cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks the pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him
a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't
I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken,so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast,
and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and
says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"




------------------
When given a choice, take both.

Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with an Irish setter he doted on.
Eventually the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest.

"Father, me dog is dead," Muldoon said. "Could ye be saying a Mass for
the
poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in
the
church, but there's a new denomination down the road. No telling what
they
believe. Maybe they can be doin' something for ya."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do ya think a couple o'thousand is
enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick placed a hand on Muldoon's forearm. "For God's sake, man,
why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
_




------------------
When given a choice, take both.

Young Kristin, the editor of our trivia publication, was having trouble
with
her computer. So she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk.
Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking
away
Kristin called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
A puzzled expression ran riot over Kristin's face. "An ID ten T error?"
What's that in case I need to fix it again?"

He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an ID ten T error before?"
"No."
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

------- I D 1 0 T ---

All you computer gurus here should really enjoy this one

------------------
When given a choice, take both.

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
to
you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch
on a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defemse Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed
away
some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and
excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my
old
legs and
said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!



------------------
When given a choice, take both.

[WOLFGIR]

OKI, this might be funny or you may hate it, i didn´t write it so please do not be offended, but read it as the joke it is supposed to be.. Only reason i post it is because it´s a Sweden vs Norweigian neutral joke.. I did made a truce..

OK,.. here we go..

> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
> 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
> 2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
> 3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
> 4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
> 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
> Channel 4.
> 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
> 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
> 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
> humiliating your sense of national pride.
> 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
> 10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
>
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
> 1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
> 2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
> 3. You can call Budweiser beer.
> 4. You can be a crook and still be president.
> 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
> 6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
> 7. You get to be really obese.
> 8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
> seems to care.
> 9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
> 10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
> 10°. When you're not.
> 10b. At all.
>
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
> 1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.
> 2. Proper beer.
> 3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
> 4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
> 5. Union jack underpants.
> 6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
> 7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
> 8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
> 9. Ditto changing underwear
> 10. Beats being Welsh.
> 10°. Or Scottish.
>
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
> 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
> 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
> 3. No need to worry about tax returns.
> 4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
> 5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
> 6. Political stability.
> 7. Flexible working hours.
> 8. Live near the Pope.
> 9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
> 10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
>
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
> 1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
> 2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
> 3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
> 4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
> 5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
> 6. Honesty.
> 7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid,
> tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
> 8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.
> 9. Gibraltar.
> 10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
>
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
> 1.
> 2.
> 3.
> 4.
> 5.
> 6.
> 7.
> 8.
> 9.
> 10.
>
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
> 1. Chicken Madras
> 2. Lamb Passanda
> 3. Onion Bhaji
> 4. Bombay Potato
> 5. Chicken Tikka Masala
> 6. Rogan Josh
> 7. Popadoms
> 8. Chicken Dopiaza
> 9. Meat Boona
> 10. Kingfisher lager
>
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
> 1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
> 1. Guinness.
> 2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
> 3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
> 4. Pubs never close.
> 5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second
> Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you
> can't have sex with a condom on.
> 6. No one can ever remember the night before.
> 7. Kill people you don't agree with.
> 8. Stew.
> 9. More Guinness.
> 10.Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in
> the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
> 1. It beats being an American.
> 2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its
> capital to the ground.
> 3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
> 4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its
> capital to the ground.
> 5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
> 6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her
> popularity ratings will rise.
> 7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital
> to the ground.
> 8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge sawn-off shotguns and cover your
> house in their skins.
> 9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
> 10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital
> to the ground.

> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
> 1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized
> nation on earth wanted.
> 2. Fosters Lager.
> 3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years
> because you think it belongs to you.
> 4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
> 5. Tact and sensitivity.
> 6. Bondi Beach.
> 7. Other beaches.
> 8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
> 9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
> 10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
>
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
> 1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
> 2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
> 3. a) You can legally kill yourself b) You can legally be killed
> 4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
> 5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks
> Copenhagen is your capital...
> 6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a
> national tradition.
> 7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
> 8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and
> still you've never seen your neighbours.
> 9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started,
> blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
> 10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
>
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
> 1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
> 2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your
> country.
> 3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
> 4. You are either a) like the Dutch, just less efficient b) like the
> French, just less romantic c.like the Germans
> 5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
> 6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French
> and they make fun of you.
> 7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
> 8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
> 9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
> 10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
>
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
> 1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
> 2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
> 3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour
> ozone-hole radiation the other half.
> 4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
> 5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
> 6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
> 7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
> 8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly
> spacious.
> 9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about
> killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
> 10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
>
> TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
> 1. You ain't English!
> 2. You ain't English!
> 3. You ain't English!
> 4. You ain't English!
> 5. You ain't English!
> 6. You ain't English!
> 7. You ain't English!
> 8. You ain't English!
> 9. You ain't English!
> 10. You ain't English!

OKI, i got it from my AD and she is Scottish so I suppose she liked the last one..

------------------

Do electric wolves dream of electric sheep?

[Black Knight]

Originally posted by JJ/newbie: Young Kristin, the editor of our trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away Kristin called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Kristin's face. "An ID ten T error?" What's that in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an ID ten T error before?" "No." "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." ------- I D 1 0 T --- All you computer gurus here should really enjoy this one

ROTFL! I used it once today, already! Great!

BK

[Moridin]

Wolfgir--
ROTFLMAO.....hilarious

Article from the Onion newspaper in Madison WI.....a humerous newspaper that does "fake" news stories and pokes fun at the media
--------------------------------------

THERE ARE ONLY 500 PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!

There are only 500 people in the world, and you follow me around
everywhere, trying to make me think that there are more than 500
people in the world. I figured this out long, long ago, and I wish
to appear the fool no longer.
I tell you people about my theory all the time, but you
pretend not to recognize me. You do not realize that I have seen
the snickers on your faces as you turn to check the time. I see
you make calls as I pass by phone booths. I see you drive by, late
at night, when you think I think you hold meetings. I have heard
your false conversations and seen you smirk.
If there were more than 500 people in the world, I would have
been able to find friends long ago. But my failure to do so proves
to me that there are only 500 of you, and you all hate me. You
love to taunt me. You watched with delight as my "parents"
abandoned me. You plan your days around finding new ways to make
my life miserable. You find it humorous that I have never engaged
another in sexual congress.
"But what about the hundreds of people at football games on
TV?" the sly among you always query. Aha! You think you are too
smart for me? The ones in the back are merely paperboard cut-outs,
or high-tech blow-up dolls! I have seen these "games," and I
notice how the camera only focuses on a few people at a time. Very
tricky, you. I have also noticed how these games frequently repeat
themselves, running into a never-ending loop of similarity.
Often, I harangue you. I yell "Fakers, all!" in the middle of
the street. I have seen the man who played my father years ago
pass me on the street wearing a funny hat. But funny hats do not
trick me! Giving me different names each time we meet does not
confuse me! Stop the charade, all of you! You needn't waste time
printing phone books any longer--I won't fall for it. There are
only nine phones in the world, all hooked up to the same number.
And the nine of you who answer them have never been polite to me.
Do you take me for an idiot?
I have proof: two weeks ago, I bought some groceries. I fell
into casual conversation with the bag boy, as I often do, hoping to
catch him in a lie. Consequently, I had more than a good chance to
view his features. Two days later, I saw the same man just walking
around. True, he was wearing different clothes, but I recognized
him nonetheless. Along similar lines, I have noticed that all the
ROCKY movies star the very same man! Do not think that this
escapes my notice.
Why do you do this to me? Why do you bother? Your talk of 18
million people in Mexico City is purely farcical! Mexico City does
not exist, and obviously, by extension, most of the cities so
popular with the travel magazines and maps do not exist, either.
I have figured out that whenever I "travel" by plane, we merely
circle the earth, which I am now certain is an island only two
miles long. So stop this silly talk of "Haiti"--it is ridiculous!
Past events have convinced me that you will never end your
campaign of lies and deceit. But be warned: I am not fooled. And
I will continue to watch you until you slip up. When that day
comes, I will exact compensation for the misery you have all put me
through.




------------------

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear ignorant,
than open it and remove all doubt!

[Vicotnik]

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?!? Wait until Christmas!"

Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'

"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"


------------------
Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out. Suddenly, a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, sending her to her death.

"Oh, shit!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."

Without warning, a man on the 10th-floor balcony stuck out his arms and caught the woman.

Delirious from shock, the woman shouted, "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"

The man replied, "Do you suck?"

Stunned at this, the woman said, "No, I don't suck!"

And with that, the man let go of her.

"Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor.

"Thank God!" she screamed. "I would have died if it weren't for you!"

The man asked, "Do you ■■■■?"

Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, "No, I don't ■■■■!"

Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor.

Not believing her luck, the woman shouted, "I suck! I ■■■■!"

"Slut," the man said, and dropped her.


------------------
Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.