Vicotnik's chamber of laughter - Page 14

Xanthul · 03-12-2001, 01:00 PM

i dont think so BK

i think it would be "oh deer"

------------------

"Let my spells do the dirty work" Ertai, High Sorceror of the Holy Flame

Black Knight · 03-12-2001, 02:43 PM

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It said:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have
certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.
am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be offended or hurt to
learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I
will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old
teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband.

When he arrived at the hotel, he found a fax waiting for him:
Dear Husband:
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive
this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with
the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the
mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into
54 more times than 54 goes into 18. So don't wait up.
Your Wife

03-12-2001, 03:27 PM

Today's MailBits.com Joke:

Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing
about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for
help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is
drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a
hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes,
he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back
to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the
fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third
time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-
law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my
luck. How much do I owe you?"

------------------
When given a choice, take both.

Vicotnik · 03-12-2001, 06:50 PM

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-12-2001, 06:52 PM

A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter.

Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

"Don't worry, honey," he said.

She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby."

"It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-12-2001, 06:53 PM

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

POOF. Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

POOF. She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Oh, can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

POOF. Standing before her is a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-13-2001, 03:37 AM

The male brain:

And the female brain:

hehe!

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[This message has been edited by Vicotnik (edited 03-13-2001).]

Vicotnik · 03-13-2001, 03:46 AM

The Female Stages of Life
Age Drink
17 Wine coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack Daniels with an Ensure chaser

Excuses For Refusing Dates
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

Favorite Sport
17 Shopping
25 Shopping
35 Shopping
48 Shopping
66 Shopping

Definition of a Successful Date
17 Burger King
25 Free meal
35 A diamond
48 A bigger diamond
66 Home Alone

Favorite Fantasy
17 Tall, dark, and handsome
25 Tall, dark, and handsome with money
35 Tall, dark, and handsome with money and a brain
48 A man with hair
66 A man

House Pet
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the cat
66 Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy

The Ideal Age to Get Married
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

The Ideal Date
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays without asking
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew his breakfast

The Male Stages of Life
Age Drink
17 Beer
25 Beer
35 Vodka
48 Double vodka
66 Maalox

Seduction Line
17 My parents are away for the weekend
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend
35 My fiancée is away for the weekend
48 My wife is away for the weekend
66 My second wife is dead

Favorite Sport
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
66 Napping

Definition of a Successful Date
17 Tongue
25 Breakfast
35 She didn't set back my therapy
48 I didn't have to meet her kids
66 Got home alive

Favorite Fantasy
17 Getting to third
25 Airplane sex
35 Menage a trois
48 Taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

House Pet
17 Roaches
25 Stoned college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 Children from his first marriage
66 Barbi

The Ideal Age to Get Married
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

Ideal Date
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 Split the check before we go back to my place
35 Just come over
48 Just come over and cook
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-13-2001, 03:51 AM

Dearest John,

I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and affection,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------

Dearest John,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next?

All my love,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------

Dearest John,

Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, 3 French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind.

Love,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------

Dear John,

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 Golden Rings; one for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All My love,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------

Dear John,

When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the racket.

Please stop.

Cordially,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------

John,

What's with you and those ■■■■■■■ birds? Seven swans a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with those ■■■■■■■ birds already.

Sincerely,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------

Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 Maids a-Milking? It's not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off, smart-ass!

Aberdine
--------------------------------------------------

Hey shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 Pipers Piping, and Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to have me evicted.

You'll get yours...
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------

You rotten prick! Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't why I call those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night long with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it.

Venomously,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------

Listen Fuckhead: What's with the 11 Lords a-Leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds of the birds are dead! They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, viscous swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 Fiddlers Fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Aberdine at the Happy Vally Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole,
Attorneys at Law

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

Vicotnik · 03-13-2001, 03:53 AM

There was an exhibitionist that wanted to flash someone. He went to the airport and looked around. He saw a young lady taking tickets and he went to the end of the line. When he got to the front, he opened his jacket and flashed her.

She said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

------------------

Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

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03-12-2001, 01:00 PM	#131
Xanthul Symbol of Cyric Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Outside my place Age: 42 Posts: 1,283	i dont think so BK i think it would be "oh deer" ------------------ "Let my spells do the dirty work" Ertai, High Sorceror of the Holy Flame

03-12-2001, 02:43 PM	#132
Black Knight Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Delaware OH USA Age: 47 Posts: 3,168	A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It said: Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be offended or hurt to learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband. When he arrived at the hotel, he found a fax waiting for him: Dear Husband: You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. So don't wait up. Your Wife

03-12-2001, 03:27 PM	#133
JJ/newbie Guest Posts: n/a	Today's MailBits.com Joke: Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in- law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?" ------------------ When given a choice, take both.

03-12-2001, 06:50 PM	#134
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds." ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-12-2001, 06:52 PM	#135
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter. Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry, honey," he said. She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby." "It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!" ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-12-2001, 06:53 PM	#136
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." POOF. Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." POOF. She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Oh, can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. POOF. Standing before her is a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-13-2001, 03:37 AM	#137
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	The male brain: And the female brain: hehe! ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die. [This message has been edited by Vicotnik (edited 03-13-2001).]

03-13-2001, 03:46 AM	#138
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	The Female Stages of Life Age Drink 17 Wine coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack Daniels with an Ensure chaser Excuses For Refusing Dates 17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need to have Francois color my hair 66 Need to have Francois color my wig Favorite Sport 17 Shopping 25 Shopping 35 Shopping 48 Shopping 66 Shopping Definition of a Successful Date 17 Burger King 25 Free meal 35 A diamond 48 A bigger diamond 66 Home Alone Favorite Fantasy 17 Tall, dark, and handsome 25 Tall, dark, and handsome with money 35 Tall, dark, and handsome with money and a brain 48 A man with hair 66 A man House Pet 17 Muffy the cat 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the cat 35 Irish setter and Muffy the cat 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the cat 66 Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy The Ideal Age to Get Married 17 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 The Ideal Date 17 He offers to pay 25 He pays without asking 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 He can chew his breakfast The Male Stages of Life Age Drink 17 Beer 25 Beer 35 Vodka 48 Double vodka 66 Maalox Seduction Line 17 My parents are away for the weekend 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend 35 My fiancée is away for the weekend 48 My wife is away for the weekend 66 My second wife is dead Favorite Sport 17 Sex 25 Sex 35 Sex 48 Sex 66 Napping Definition of a Successful Date 17 Tongue 25 Breakfast 35 She didn't set back my therapy 48 I didn't have to meet her kids 66 Got home alive Favorite Fantasy 17 Getting to third 25 Airplane sex 35 Menage a trois 48 Taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave House Pet 17 Roaches 25 Stoned college roommate 35 Irish setter 48 Children from his first marriage 66 Barbi The Ideal Age to Get Married 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 Ideal Date 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 Split the check before we go back to my place 35 Just come over 48 Just come over and cook 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas. ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-13-2001, 03:51 AM	#139
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Aberdine ------------------------------------------------------ Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next? All my love, Aberdine ------------------------------------------------------ Dearest John, Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, 3 French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind. Love, Aberdine ------------------------------------------------------ Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Aberdine ------------------------------------------------------ Dear John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 Golden Rings; one for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All My love, Aberdine ------------------------------------------------------ Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Aberdine ------------------------------------------------------ John, What's with you and those ■■■■■■■ birds? Seven swans a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with those ■■■■■■■ birds already. Sincerely, Aberdine ------------------------------------------------------ Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 Maids a-Milking? It's not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off, smart-ass! Aberdine -------------------------------------------------- Hey shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 Pipers Piping, and Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to have me evicted. You'll get yours... Aberdine ------------------------------------------------------ You rotten prick! Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't why I call those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night long with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it. Venomously, Aberdine ------------------------------------------------------ Listen Fuckhead: What's with the 11 Lords a-Leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds of the birds are dead! They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, viscous swine. Your sworn enemy, Aberdine ------------------------------------------------------ Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 Fiddlers Fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Aberdine at the Happy Vally Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole, Attorneys at Law ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

03-13-2001, 03:53 AM	#140
Vicotnik Zhentarim Guard Join Date: March 1, 2001 Posts: 362	There was an exhibitionist that wanted to flash someone. He went to the airport and looked around. He saw a young lady taking tickets and he went to the end of the line. When he got to the front, he opened his jacket and flashed her. She said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." ------------------ Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

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