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#101 |
Silver Dragon
![]() ![]() ![]() Join Date: January 24, 2002
Location: Mundania
Age: 43
Posts: 1,634
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You can't choose who you love. If you could, then everyone would love the person that's sensible for them to love.
Love just happens. I tried choosing to fall out of love with a guy in high school because I knew nothing could ever come of it. He's straight. But no matter what I did to stop myself from loving him, it didn't change my feelings. I'm glad people can't choose who they love. Do you have any idea how boring it would be, love, if you could choose who you loved? All you can really choose is who you enter a relationship with. If we could choose who we loved, then I bet the vast majority of people would choose the nice simple person, not the complicated one.
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<b>Founder of the NPC Defender Force</b>, <b>Affiliate of the Pro-Mazzy Society</b><br />\"I hate to admit it but you\'ve earned my respect.\"--Shar-Teel (Thanks for this Illumina Drathiran\'ar)<br /> [img]\"http://userpic.livejournal.com/14048184/35120\" alt=\" - \" /> |
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#102 |
Drow Priestess
![]() Join Date: March 13, 2001
Location: a hidden sanctorum high above the metroplex
Age: 55
Posts: 4,037
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Ok, you've got me there; I'm up too late with a little too much pinot grigio in me. [img]graemlins/petard.gif[/img]
True, one doesn't choose whom one will love. I have certainly been in relationships with those whom I did not love and have loved those with whom I have not been in relationships. (Those are long stories I will probably never get around to explaining. [img]graemlins/laugh3.gif[/img] ) Let me restate, then. Suppose you and I meet and fall in love. Would you prefer that I love you because I have to or because I simply do? Personally, I would want the person claiming to love me to love me because they just do. I want everyone, not just homosexuals, to be honest with themselves about their motivations (oh, my, what a lofty goal). Now I'm wondering if that even made sense. [img]graemlins/1dizzy.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/petard.gif[/img] [ 06-03-2004, 01:41 AM: Message edited by: Azred ]
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Everything may be explained by a conspiracy theory. All conspiracy theories are true. No matter how thinly you slice it, it's still bologna. |
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#103 |
Silver Dragon
![]() ![]() ![]() Join Date: January 24, 2002
Location: Mundania
Age: 43
Posts: 1,634
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I'd say I'd rather love someone because I just do, and vice-versa. Of course I also think it's a mixture of both, considering how demanding love can be.
__________________
<b>Founder of the NPC Defender Force</b>, <b>Affiliate of the Pro-Mazzy Society</b><br />\"I hate to admit it but you\'ve earned my respect.\"--Shar-Teel (Thanks for this Illumina Drathiran\'ar)<br /> [img]\"http://userpic.livejournal.com/14048184/35120\" alt=\" - \" /> |
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#104 | |
Very Mad Bird
![]() Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Breukelen (over the river from New Amsterdam)
Age: 53
Posts: 9,246
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Quote:
However, I testified that I have, that it is possible, and that there are many humans who work it out, or learn how to use their consious mind to control their subconscious. Therefore people DO choose who they love. Repeatedly. Anytime a person excercises commitement to squash a new flame from developing and reignite their marriage, they are doing exactly what I am saying. Otherwise commited relationships would be a myth, blowing apart everytime love starts developing with a new person. Simply because you haven't learned how doesn't mean others haven't. |
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#105 | |
Very Mad Bird
![]() Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Breukelen (over the river from New Amsterdam)
Age: 53
Posts: 9,246
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Quote:
Have you ever wondered why actors continually fall in love with their leading lady/man? It's no accident, and has everything to do with what I'm saying. |
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#106 | |
Emerald Dragon
![]() Join Date: February 6, 2003
Location: Norway
Age: 39
Posts: 928
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Quote:
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I want a hippo. |
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#107 | ||||||||
Very Mad Bird
![]() Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Breukelen (over the river from New Amsterdam)
Age: 53
Posts: 9,246
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Quote:
The choice is what do I entertain? What images do I remove from my mind if they arise? Mental dieting. For example, if I want to become obsessed with a person, the quickest way is to entertain fantasies and scenarios together. If I want to get over someone, I need the mental discipline to not entertain notions, hopes, pictures and dreams, but to remove them from my mind. In my profession, I've worked with a lot of attractive people, men and women. Many available, many actively pursuing involvement. As flattering as it may be, I excercise the same mental discipline in maintaining a commited relationship that I do in maintaining hetrosexuality and refuse to give these things "life". A partner of mine could NOT ask me to not be attracted to the many beautiful people - men and women - that I work with, but CAN ask me to excercise commitement, and not entertain that attraction. Practicing mental, emotional and physical fidelity. That's the issue with porn for example. It's a real person you're fantasising over. They may not be there with you, but if you entertain fantasies with the person in the picture, you're practicing mental infidelity against your partner. Quote:
Not all of us find it easy to love our parents Jerr. Any relationship, for it to weather storms and troubles, needs commitment or it breaks down. I love my parents because I have chosen to move past offenses, move beyond issues in my childhood for example. Choice. It would be easy to dwell on the negative. Dwell on the offense and have no love whatsoever. Love involves choice. Note: It's not an "on/off" switch. You don't just say "right I'm going to love this person" and it magically happens. You make a series of choices over the things you can control and move towards the intent. In a relationship what can you control? Time together Open communication Shared experiences Verbalisation of affection, acceptance and hope. Restriction of negatives - criticisms, attacks, seperation, alienating factors, fears, or relationally destructive scenarios. Management of imagination and hopes for future. It doesn't happen overnight. Love grows. Quote:
This is with hetrosexual men, in love with their wife. Arousal and attraction are not conjoined. The more pressure is put on arousal, the less likely it will occur. I have no idea of your story, but if you put any pressure on yourself to feel aroused, you can bet it contibuted to ensuring you wouldn't be. However, I have experience a number of occaisions where individuals have become not only more attractive, but also far more sexually arousing. Once I have chosen to allow myself to love particular women, they have ended up being so much more sexually attractive than I imagined possible. The loving relationship created the sexual attraction, not the other way around. Conversely, there have been women who I've initially found sexually attractive, who become severe turn-offs due to personality issues, or circumstances. We can choose to overlook the turnoffs or dwell on them and allow them to influence or like or distaste for them. Quote:
2.The pursuit of repeated sexual encounters leads to lifestyle choices such as clubs, bars, alcohol, clothes and appearance choices etc etc etc. Lifestyle. 3.The pursuit of celibacy leads to lifestyle choices that will not put a person in a position of "temptation". Exhibit A: The numerous monasteries and nunneries that have existed over the centuries. Quote:
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![]() [ 06-03-2004, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: Yorick ] |
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#108 | |
Very Mad Bird
![]() Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Breukelen (over the river from New Amsterdam)
Age: 53
Posts: 9,246
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Quote:
How many times do you hear of people continually loving "the wrong people" for example. Falling again and again into co-dependant relationships. People can and do work their way out of habitual co-dependency by changing who they are attracted to. A healed person, is no longer attracted to the wounds they once had, whereas, two unhealed co-dependants will find each other in a crowded room without fail. The unhealed co-dependants are unaware of the choices they are making, whereas the healed co-dependant is aware, and has modified their behavious so they are not in the position where they make a disasterous choice. |
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#109 | |
Emerald Dragon
![]() Join Date: February 6, 2003
Location: Norway
Age: 39
Posts: 928
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Quote:
__________________
I want a hippo. |
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#110 | |
Very Mad Bird
![]() Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Breukelen (over the river from New Amsterdam)
Age: 53
Posts: 9,246
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Quote:
On the other hand, maybe the temptation of "forbidden fruit" led you down that particular path. Suppose you and I were to meet, get to know each other, and fall in love. Would you rather have me love you because I have to (genetic mandate) or because I choose to? I don't have anything against homosexuals. I do have difficulties with the rationalizations people have for their actions or the vacillations of fence-sitters--pick one side or the other. [/QUOTE]Well said. If you're intensely trying to avoid something, because you're focussing on it, it is more likely it will occur. You're giving it mental time. I once was so worried I'd have an affair with a beautiful married woman I knew. I spent so much time worried about it, trying to control my head, and make sure it didn't happen, it just made it worse and worse. It only faded once I stopped worrying about it, and didn't give it the "thought time". Most importantly I changed what I was able to control - time together, and conversation time. Without those elements, it faded quickly before it actualised. (Thank God) It's like driving. You will naturally start edging towards whatever you're focussing on. The forbidden fruit element is a very good point. Thanks mate. [img]smile.gif[/img] |
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