JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

Subject: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
>>
>>
>> 1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point
a
hair
>> dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
>>
>> 2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
>>
>> 3) Insist that your e mail address is:
>> Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or
>> Elvis-the-King@companyname.com
>>
>> 4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries
with
>> that.
>>
>> 5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
>chair
>> dancing.
>>
>> 6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
>>
>> 7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
>>
>> 8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
>gotten
>> over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
>>
>> 9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
>>
>> 10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
>>
>> 11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy"
>>
>> 12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level
>lights
up
>> the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
>>
>> 13) Don't use any punctuation.
>>
>> 14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
>>
>> 15) Ask people what sex they are and laugh hysterically after they
answer.
>>
>> 16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
>>
>> 17) Sing along at the opera.
>>
>> 18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
>>
>> 19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same
outfits.
Wear
>> them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
>your
>> boss is of the opposite gender.)
>>
>> 20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're
doing.
>> For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall
>#3."
>>
>> 21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle
sounds
>> all day.
>>
>> 22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
>party
>> because you're not in the mood.
>>
>> 23) Call the psychic hot line and don't say anything.
>>
>> 24) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
Hard.
>>
>> 25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!"
>This
is
>> the 3rd time this week!!!"
>>
>> 26) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
>> yelling"Run for your lives, they're loose!"
>>
>> 27) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me,
>its
>> the voices in your head that do."
>>
>> 28) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are
going
>to
>> have to let one of you go."
>>
>> 29) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
>>
>> And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
>>
>> 30) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they
>sent
it
>> to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
>>


------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in
it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the
money.

He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said...No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you
in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late
husband.
She said...Who's gonna look?

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you
ever
been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks,
not
with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than
he
is blind.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
light
on.


------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

"Reincarnation Choices?"
Three Texans were in a bar throwing back a few,
while they were discussing the meaning of life.
The conversation grew deeper and deeper when
one of the gents started talking about reincarnation.

The trio started considering the possibility of the
existence of this phenomenon and what each would
prefer to come back as given the choice.

The first cowboy said "Well I think if I had my
'druthers I'd come back as a big Brahman bull."

The other two contemplated this choice and inquired
as to why a bull.

"Well," he said "If I was a bull all I would have to do would
be to lie around, eat and sleep all day. My women would
be brought to me, and my owner would be paid for my
services. That seem like a pretty good life to me."

His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good
way to go through life, but one thought he could improve
on it. He said, "I'd rather come back as a range bull."

"A range bull, why a range bull?"

"Well," he said, "If I was a range bull it would be much
the same as the life Leroy was talkin' 'bout. All I would
have to do all day is lie around, eat and sleep, but I
wouldn't have no fences to hold me back, and I would
have my choice of all the women on the range. That
seems like the best life to me."

Leroy nodded in agreement.

Just then ol' Charlie spoke up. "Naw," he said as he
shook his head, "Ya'll got it all wrong. I'd rather come
back as a whale."

"A whale, why in tarnation would you want to come
back as a whale?" They were amazed at Charlie's
statement.

Charlie just grinned and said, "Can you imagine
having a seven foot tongue and bein' able to breathe
out of the top of your head?"
_

------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

"Murphy, The Secret Agent"

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up
some very sensitive information from an agent
called Murphy. His instructions were to walk
around town using a code phrase until he met
his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate
country road and finally ran into a farmer.

"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man
called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it
happens, there's a village right over the hill,
where there's a butcher called Murphy, the
baker is named Murphy, three widows are
called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man."
So he whispered the secret code. "The sun
is shining...the grass is growing...the cows
are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for
Murphy the spy - he's in the village over
the other direction."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his
best friend ' My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women
in
the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key
to
her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.'

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they
noticed
a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message
from
the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said 'Hey,
you
gave me the wrong key!!'



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar
stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind
guy
yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell
that
joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is
blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight
lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think
about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind guy says, 'Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times.'



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[Moiraine]

Ahem ... please religious people, don't feel offended ...

------------------------------------------------------------

IF YOU IMAGINE GOD AS A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER SOME IMPORTANT THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack senseless features onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt that it will ever be implemented.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question. Abort, Retry, Fail?

------------------------------------------------------------

------------------


The world is my oyster !
And now I have the knives to open it ...

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the
>>little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the
>>hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over
>>and see their new baby.
>>
>>Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a
>>wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a
>>long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
>>
>>He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears.
>>I want you to be on your best behavior and not say
>>one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank
>>your butt when we get back home."
>>
>>"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
>>
>>At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and
>>touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said,
>>"Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
>>
>>The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment,
>>was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much,
>>Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands
>>and perfect little feet Why...just look at his pretty little eyes...
>>Did his doctor say he can see good?"
>>
>>The Mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies
>>"Why, yes...his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
>>
>>Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a FU*KING good thing, cause he sure as
>>Hell can't wear glasses


------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

>One day, this guy, who has been stranded all alone on a desert island for
>ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. It's certainly not a ship
>he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to

>rule out the possibility of a small boat, and then even a raft.
>
>Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman

>wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
>
>She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've

>had a cigarette?"
>
>"Ten years," he says.
>
>She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
>pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
>
>He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man, is
>that ever good!"
>
>She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of
>bourbon?"
>
>Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"
>
>She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls
>out a flask, and gives it to him.
>
>He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely
>fantastic!"
>
>Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front
>of her wet suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it
>been since you've played around?"
>
>With tears in his eyes, the guy replies, "Oh sweet Jesus, don't tell me
>you've got golf clubs in there!"


------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece
of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to
yours." - Yogi Berra
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding
ring, and suffering!




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To