05-14-2003, 06:47 AM | #1 |
Dungeon Master
Join Date: November 5, 2002
Location: Cordoba(andalusia)(spain)(europe)(the world)(the system solar)(the universe)
Age: 45
Posts: 91
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Hello, I'm the Shaide's brother, yesterday my english teacher said me I must make a poem in this language, I've wroten and I like your opinion.
"where the night never fall down, the moonlight is the way, In the depth shadow of my mind, I always meet with her, Wish I wait you all time, because my hope would be the death, where the night never fall down, I always meet with her, Her eyes will be my light, Her mouth, The hidden treasure of mine, what would be the heaven In my head ever shine Say goodbye to the stars who envy your sheen in the depth shadow of my mind your soul the gloom clean Where the tears fill the oceans the moonlight is the way, I will be looking for in the thin line between myself" My english isnt good I know but what must I change? Thank you for your kindness Rada |
05-14-2003, 08:11 AM | #2 | |
Zartan
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: London, England
Age: 53
Posts: 5,164
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Hi Shaide's brother!
I like the imagery you use, but your language needs a little brushing up. Other than that it's basically a good poem. I will try to help, I have made some suggestions and comments in bold text below. Quote:
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05-15-2003, 04:53 AM | #3 |
Dungeon Master
Join Date: November 5, 2002
Location: Cordoba(andalusia)(spain)(europe)(the world)(the system solar)(the universe)
Age: 45
Posts: 91
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Thank you Epona, I get your suggestions, and I see very usefull.
I change like: "Wish I wait you all time" like "Wish I stand here for eternity" and "I will be looking for in the thin line between myself" like "In the darknesses of my fate, I will be looking for her" Thank you for your kindness again Rada |
05-15-2003, 07:55 AM | #4 |
Zartan
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: London, England
Age: 53
Posts: 5,164
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You're welcome! It must be very difficult to write a poem in a different language.
I like those changes [img]smile.gif[/img] [ 05-15-2003, 07:56 AM: Message edited by: Epona ]
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05-15-2003, 07:59 AM | #5 |
Jack Burton
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Airstrip One
Age: 40
Posts: 5,571
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"In the depth shadow of my mind,"
This should probably read: "In the DEEP shadow of my mind" ot "In the DEPTHS of my mind"
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