More Witty Shorts

[John D Harris]

=> Father's Day was both a joy and a worry as my kids were
growing up. I was always afraid they were going to give me a
present that I couldn't afford.

=> Trying to get a word in edgewise with some people is like
trying to thread a sewing machine with the motor running.

=> Someday I would like to see the waiter with the courage to lay
the check face-up on the table.

=> The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine
that age brings wisdom.

=> There is nobody who is sicker than the person who gets sick on
their day off.

=> The audience was large and respectable, one man was large,
the other was respectable.

=> My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.

=> There's a method for going back home from Las Vegas with a
small fortune, go there with a large fortune.

=> A truthful woman is one who doesn't lie about anything except
her age, weight, and her husband's salary.

=> He got to walking in his sleep so much we finally had to
tattoo some underwear on him.

=> The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the
moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak
in public.

=> Even when opportunity knocks, you still have to get up off
your seat and open the door.

=> I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they know me
here.

=> The closest to perfection anyone ever comes is when he or she
fills out a job application form.

=> Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their
toes with your rocker.

=> If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what
exactly are the others here for?

=> There should be a better way to start a day than waking up
every morning.

=> I'm not fat. I am a nutritional overachiever.

=> You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

=> Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from
where you left them to where you can't find them.

=> Scientist report that nothing in the known universe travels
faster than a bad check

[K T Ong]

A: Do you believe in astrology?
B: Of course not. We Sagittarians don't believe this sort of thing.