04-29-2004, 11:07 PM | #11 |
40th Level Warrior
Join Date: October 29, 2001
Location: Western Wilds of Michigan
Posts: 11,752
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Hopefully I haven't missed it yet, but I'd say it just a little differently:
"Rather than kill them, Dron decided to simply tie up the two living bandits. So he did... To a tree. By their feet." That keeps the thought flowing more smoothly, from "no kill" to "what?" to "tie up" to "to what" to "to a tree" to "how" to "by their feet". Throwing the "rather..." in the middle makes the reader go back to the part of the sentence before the "rather" after they're done with it, so they can remember what they were reading about. Just a suggestion, 'cause what you've got will also work fine. Good luck [img]smile.gif[/img]
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04-29-2004, 11:13 PM | #12 |
Elite Waterdeep Guard
Join Date: February 2, 2004
Location: UK
Age: 58
Posts: 40
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It's a good job that there was only one sentence causing problems as it would probably take about ten years to create a single chapter of a novel using this collaborative method.
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04-29-2004, 11:16 PM | #13 |
Iron Throne Cult
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Yes, I like Illumina's best too. Also note that when you have a colon you don't capitalise the next word, so it would be "So he did: by their feet."
"So he did: To a nearby tree, by their feet." This one is also ambiguous because it may mean the tree is by their feet not that they are being hung by their feet.
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04-30-2004, 03:44 AM | #14 |
Manshoon
Join Date: January 19, 2004
Location: South Africa
Age: 45
Posts: 162
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Well, I might be nitpicking AND too late, but isn't it a bit redundant to mention that the bandits are "living" when you're already saying he isn't going to kill them, thereby implying they are alive?
My thoughts: Dron decided to simply tie up the two bandits, rather than kill them. So he did. To a tree. By their feet. I do like the choppiness, best achieved with full stops, IMHO. |
04-30-2004, 06:35 AM | #15 |
Elite Waterdeep Guard
Join Date: February 2, 2004
Location: UK
Age: 58
Posts: 40
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I would assume that previous sentences describe how certain other bandits did end up being killed.
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04-30-2004, 08:38 AM | #16 |
Jack Burton
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Airstrip One
Age: 40
Posts: 5,571
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Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!
Don't split infinitives!!! It's: "simply to tie up"
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04-30-2004, 09:26 AM | #17 |
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Join Date: January 6, 2003
Location: NJ, USA
Age: 25
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"Dron decided to simply tie up the two living bandits rather than kill them. So he did: To a nearby tree, by their feet."
I guess you can't really say 'remaining bandits' if there are others out there somewhere. That and of course there may have been Undead bandits.
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04-30-2004, 10:34 PM | #18 |
20th Level Warrior
Join Date: December 28, 2003
Location: Kentucky
Age: 38
Posts: 2,820
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Isn't it great??? Thanks to Ironworks, Dron now gets to graduate high school!!! Anyway, yeah, everthing's too late now...he's officially (and unofficially) done.
Although he HAS expressed interest in writing more on the adventures of Dron Cah...
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04-30-2004, 11:47 PM | #19 |
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
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Well, actually the alleviating boredom b4 i shot myself was the imprtant thing, Poo, but i guess you got that by my previous posts. Anyways, yeah the hell is over, and I'm enjoying cloud 9 quite well, thank you. [img]smile.gif[/img]
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