Some jokes.

[Gabriel]

Blair. (tee hee)

(Disclaimer: Some jokes may not by suitable for the young the humourless and blondes. If read on it will be your choice.)

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to
open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the
president's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag
onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much
cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What
kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never
win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as
a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side,
again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with
her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the
president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are
square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop
his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady
peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I
guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against
the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with
your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at
10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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A retired man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical
weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a
whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly stand the
pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.
The doctor looked at his lobster colored legs and shook his head, "You must
realize that this is only a small village medical facility", he explained.
"I've really nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just
before bedtime...". The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the
man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?".
"Unfortunately, not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied. "But it
will keep the sheets off your legs".
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A woman walks into a top floor pub and sees a really good looking bloke
sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is
drinking.
He says, "Magic Bitter."
She thinks he's a bit of a tripper, so she walks around the pub. After
realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes
back to the man sitting at the bar.
She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?"
He says, "Yes, I'll show you." So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out
the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes
back into the window. She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you
can't do that again."
So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around
the building 3 times, and comes back in the window.
She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter. So the bloke says to
the bartender "Give her a pint of what I'm having."
She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 storeys,
breaks every bone in her body and dies.
The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman, you're such a
tosser when you're pissed."
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A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex
life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from
the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The
card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop. " Mom blushed, but was
pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and
the card read: "Benson & Hedges."
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read
from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size" She was again
slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a
whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing
were the words "British Airways"
Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the
pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted ....
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The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.........
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I
will do."
The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He
doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back,"It's because it takes place in the future...."
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A girl comes skipping home from school and shouts "Mummy, mummy, today we did counting and all the other kids only got up to 5, but I got up to 10, ...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, that's good isn't it mummy?
"Yes dear, it is."
"Is that because I'm blonde mummy?"
"Yes dear, it is."
The next day the girl comes skipping home and screams "Mummy, mummy, today we did the alphabet and all the other kids only got to D but I got up to G. ...A, B, C, D, E, F, G....that's good isn't it mummy?"
"Yes dear, it is."
"Is that because I'm blonde mummy?"
"Yes dear, it is."
The following day the girl comes skipping home and says "Mummy today we did gym class and all the other girls had flat chests but I have these!"
At this point the girl pulls up her top revealing a pair of amazing 36 C breasts.
"That's good isn't it mummy?"
"Yes dear, it is," replied a slightly embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde mummy?"
"No dear, it's because you're 25
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(One for the Brits)

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the girl
notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why
doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies,
"Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight
foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave
got C&A on them."

An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As
she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car
to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He
asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from
the waist down an all!!!"

Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample
bottle, Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
"That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f*** does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies
is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again
saying,
"That doesn't smell like "come" to me Trace. Does it smell like
"come" to you?"

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker
"10" replies the girl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the girl "its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY
or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"

[SomeGuy]

LOL!!! I first one is hilarious!

[Jeffi0]

ROFL! The last one is great!

[Harkoliar]

hehe i liked the mother and 3 virgins [img]smile.gif[/img] and the last joke. lol

[The Hierophant]

That Iraqi ambassador one is utterly evil, I love it.

Those Essex girls ones are brilliant too.

[ 11-20-2002, 05:38 AM: Message edited by: The Hierophant ]