Once again the Deranged mind is loose

[John D Harris]

NO WINE BEFORE ITS TIME

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together.

She says to them, "I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."

ONCE MORE INTO THE BLEACH

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.







THE BACK SIDE OF HORSING AROUND

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horseracing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

The Bishop nearly had a stroke, and he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

PAY ATTENTION!

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".

Labor Day Fable

Five cannibals get hired at the local manufacturing plant. During the
welcoming orientation, the HR Manager says, "You're all part of our team
now. You can earn good money here. You will have good benefits, and you
can go to the vending machines for something to eat, so please don't
bother any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the HR Manager calls them in to the office and says,
"You're all working very hard, and we're very satisfied with all of you.
However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what
happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the HR Manager has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the janitor?" A hand raises
hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool!!
For four weeks, we've been eating Managers and Administrators and no one
noticed anything, and YOU had to go and eat the janitor!"

Baptismal Pool

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the
river. He proceeds to walk into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by
the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you
found Jesus?

"The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into
the water again for a little longer this time.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
"Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks
the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds
him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of
God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and
says to the preacher............

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect," "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A
few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor
spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,' " The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 5. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said
Herman.
"It's hundreds of them!"
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An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was
in the kitchen the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it' wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you th truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 20 years ago."

[Nanobyte]

I wonder, is your closet mostly fitted with straitjackets? You are indeed the varient of our species my friend, and since you don't waste time writting these , I find them well worth the time reading.

[John D Harris]

Originally posted by Nanobyte: I wonder, is your closet mostly fitted with straitjackets? You are indeed the varient of our species my friend, and since you don't waste time writting these , I find them well worth the time reading.

Straitjackets are cozy, fucntional, and One size fits all

[Paladin2000]

Originally posted by John D Harris: quote: Originally posted by Nanobyte: I wonder, is your closet mostly fitted with straitjackets? You are indeed the varient of our species my friend, and since you don't waste time writting these , I find them well worth the time reading.

Straitjackets are cozy, fucntional, and One size fits all [/QUOTE]Some of the latest style comes in various matching colors (or colours) too.

Good jokes pal.