Pure Amusement

[Charean]

One of our local Members of Parliament; (Gillian Shephard ) paid a visit to Norwich jail to inspect the place and after her tour of the prison, she was shown to her chauffeur driven car by the Governor, whereupon it was discovered that the chauffeur had inadvertently left the keys in the car and he was unable to open the doors. There was much embarrassment until the Governor of Norwich jail came up with a splendid idea.

"We have plenty inside here who are doing time for car burglary; shall I get one?"

Gillian nodded her assent.

Enter Justin, doing a few years for such crimes, and he was invited to display his skills to the advantage of Mrs. Shephard in order to save her any further embarrassment.

With that, Justin picked up a large stone and hurled it at the windscreen shattering it in a million pieces.

Surrounding press and camera men had to hide behind trees and other cover to conceal their mirth.

Apparently, Justin, though a frequent offender, had a "simple and dynamic approach " to theft. Not for him the sophisticated business of bits of wire etc.

By way of explanation he later said that all he was ever after was the property inside the vehicles.


------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads

[Charean]

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.....

[Charean]

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim.

Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

While filling out an employment application, a man paused over this question:

"Person to notify in case of an accident."

Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

"I'm the president," I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something."



------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads

[Charean]

FOR THE TEXANS!!!!!

What is the plural of y'all?

I asked this (innocently) at the end of a recent humor posting which dealt with misconceptions about Texas. Little did I know that I had opened the flood gates! I have received more email on this subject over the past few days than I care to mention. Everyone seems to have an answer to this question.

I received answers from Texans, non-Texans, wanna-be Texans, former Texans, people from Arkansas, New York (a transplanted Texan no doubt), Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, California, Oklahoma, among others and I even received a response from someone in Papua New Guinea.

Well, the answer to this question is one which should be shared, so here are the comments on the plural of y'all:

Many people indicated that y'all is already the plural form and provided the singular form which was variously (1) you'un (2) you-all (3) youins (4) yuse'all (5) yewins (6) yu's oll and (7) you'uns.

Some people contended that y'all is both plural and singular just as "you" can be used for both plural and singular, depending on the context. One Texan added that there "ain't no sense in wasting the energy making up two differ'nt words, is there?" Another added that Texans have "been talking like this since we were babies, so why let a few years of education mess up something natural?"

One person told me that the plural was y'ens (from "ye ones") and said that the information was from his English teacher (the teacher having a Masters in Linguistics and a PhD in English).

So, now it's time to announce the "official" plural of y'all (at least according to the various opinions of the Good Clean Fun list members). By a comment margin of at least 5 to 1, the plural of y'all is:

ALL Y'ALL

Now, 'nuf said! I thank y'all and all y'all can can git back to yer chores.

[Charean]

Common Misconceptions about Texas

* That everything is twice as big in Texas. - Really
everything is 1.865 times bigger, but we round up.

* That the women have big hair. - In fact this was outlawed
in July 1977. There is a task force and they are doing their
best to reach every last woman. Bear with us.

* That Texas gets extremely hot in the summer. - Actually
we only have 2-3 days of real heat in Texas ... real heat being
when there is over a 75% probability of self-combustion.

* That JR Ewing still lives here. - That was a tv show people!
Come on! Chuck Norris, on the other hand, is a real,
karate-choppin' Texas Ranger.

* That we have killer bees, fire ants, gigantic roaches and
mosquitoes and other awful insects, tornadoes, hurricanes, and
damaging hailstorms. - I don't know where this pack of hysteria
got started, but we're gonna assume it's from some non-Texan type.
We tend to think of them as a few bitty bugs and a bad hair day.

* That everyone speaks with a Texas accent. - Y'all just
don't know what y'all are talking about.

[Zeeke75]

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's
sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway.
*****
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the
hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes everytime.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The
hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
*****
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up
to a year.
*****
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to
the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off
anyway?
*****
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to
room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter
before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
*****
Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply
add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and
bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
*****
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before
pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
*****
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
*****
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix me up".

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
*****
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
*****
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
*****
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften
it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
*****
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help
bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
*****
Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan
of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the
surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will
know it wasn't fresh.
*****
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it
on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a
lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the
problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
*****
Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?
*****
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes glass vase or
cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and
immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four
Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some
Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.



------------------


Protector and Defender of Nature
All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!!

[Charean]

I really worry about you, Zeeke... you get weirder and weirder....

------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads

[Keryvian]

Thank you both! I needed that tonight, after spending the entire day down with a migraine.

------------------
Nid yw'r hoff o lyfr yn fyr o gyfaill.

[Zeeke75]

Originally posted by Charean: I really worry about you, Zeeke... you get weirder and weirder....

Hehehehe.....welcome to my insanity....don't get too close, it may be contagious...



------------------


Always listen to your heart, for it will never lead you astray.
All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!!

[Zeeke75]

Originally posted by Keryvian: Thank you both! I needed that tonight, after spending the entire day down with a migraine.

I'm glad that I could help!!! I'll dig into my archives and see what else I can come up with!!



------------------


Always listen to your heart, for it will never lead you astray.
All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!!