Joke World 05-01-09

[Arvon]

A dumb one...

A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.

Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. “Sir,” the doc begins “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“Wow, that’s great!” replied the hunter. “So what’s the bad news?”

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Oh, well that’s not so bad I guess,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly.” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the local symphony, and she’s gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”

[Arvon]

A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.

"Is this where Frank lives?" one of the drunks asked.

"Yes, it is," the woman replied.

"Well then," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?"

[Bungleau]

Friday, we had a tornado drill. Our department is situated underneath a parking garage (funny how corporations just love putting the nerds in a basement), and there's a PA announcement repeating itself ad nauseum: "This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from any and all windows."

Somebody yelled out: "Quick! Get to a DOS prompt."

[Bungleau]

Forgotten Son

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

[Arvon]

Jesus and Moses are out playing golf on a lovely Sunday morning. On the first hole Moses tees off and hits a beautiful shot right down the middle of the fairway. Jesus steps to the tee and says “Watch this, I’m going to drive just like Arnold Palmer”. He then whacks a mean slice that goes right into a pond. Jesus looks at Moses and says” Moses, be a pal and go get that for me”. So Moses goes over to the pond, raises his arms, parts the water, walks in, and retrieves the ball.”

On the second tee Moses again hits his drive straight and true. Jesus steps up and says “Now forget that last hole, I’m going to hit this just like Arnold Palmer would hit it”. Jesus swings the club and hooks the ball right into another pond. Looking embarrassed Jesus says to Moses “C’mon, be a pal and go get that for me”. Moses, who is getting more than a little frustrated with the situation, says “OK Jesus, I’ll get this one, but this is the last time. From now on if you hit it in the water you have to get your own ball”. He then walks over to the pond, raises his arms, parts the water, walks in, and retrieves the ball.

The next hole is a par three over a lake. Moses again hits a perfect shot that comes to rest a few feet from the hole. Jesus tees up his ball and says “OK, Arnold Palmer is the greatest golfer ever and I created Arnold Palmer. So surely I can hit this shot as well as Arnold Palmer”. He hits the ball and it falls well short of the green and plops down into the middle of the lake. He looks over at Moses but Moses shakes his head and says “No way Jesus. I’m not getting it. I told you that if you hit the water again you’d have to get it yourself.” So Jesus throws down his club and walks out across the water.

As Jesus is out walking around on the water looking down trying to find his ball another golfer comes over the hill to the tee where Moses is standing. The golfer looks out across the lake and his jaw drops at the sight. He goes up to Moses pointing out in amazement “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?” Moses just shrugs and grumbles “No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer”.

[Arvon]

Trying out of the police
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[Bungleau]

A mafia guy came home from work in a pretty good mood.
"How was work, Honey?" His wife asked.
"I got good news, and I got bad news," he told her.
"Well," pondered his wife, "I'll guess I'll take the good news first."

"Okay, get this," he boasted. "The boss gave me an important new job, and he's paying me FIFTY GRAND! I start tomorrow."
"That's fantastic, honey! Did you tell your best friend, Vinnie, yet?" She excitedly gushed.

"I said there was bad news, too, baby," he frowned. "Vinnie's dead."
"Oh my God, no! Vinnie was the best!" She cried. "He gave the kids a nice present every Christmas! When did he pass away?"

The Mafioso looked down and shook his head. "Tomorrow."

[Arvon]

The South Takes a Cue from Oakland Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California andMassachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass.Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba"and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation.Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics:Can I help you?Kin ah hip ewe?Hi, I'm Don Fowler.Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah.The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than English, and the primary vowel sound is "ah." The letters A and E are generally replaced with the sound of a short i.For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics andBubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English. Consider the following statement inBubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics:Ah axed ewe a quest-shun.I axed you a question, sukka.Ah be smaht.I be smarts now.Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me.Hooked on 'bonics be wukking fo me.If you're a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught to kids in prep school.And if you're a native English speaker and you CAN'T read the writing on the wall, it's probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you're just that far behind.Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language. And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.

[Bungleau]

New shirt available from ThinkGeek... something for the pregnant geek you know...

http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/womens/bc2c/

Cube-safe...

[Arvon]

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."