Joke World 4-1-08

[Arvon]

Astrological After-sex Comments

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

[Arvon]

Oldie.

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "Your dog can't swim!"

[Arvon]

Oldie!

The bride-to-be and her best friend were discussing the former's impending wedding.

"If you want an unforgettable wedding night," her friend said, "get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony."

A week after, the new bride thanked her friend but said plaintively, "Only eight of the oysters worked."

[Arvon]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...e/Fun/cow1.gif

[Arvon]

Ranch of His Dreams

The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."

"Wow!" his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle.

"So... where are all the cows?"

"None of 'em survived the branding."

[Arvon]

A little PG-17 language.

Dear sir I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

SHIT! I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate ■■■■■■■ Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST ■■■■■■■ CHINA!

[Arvon]

Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.

"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."

When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.

"Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."

[VulcanRider]

BEFORE MARRIAGE

John = Ah...At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane = Do you want me to leave?
John = NO! Don't even ask.
Jane = Do you love me?
John = Of Course! Always have and always will!
Jane = Have you ever cheated on me?
John = NO! Why are you asking?
Jane = Will you kiss me?
John = Every chance I get.
Jane = Will you hit me?
John = Hell No! Are you crazy?
Jane = Can I trust you?
John = Yes
Jane = Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE (NOW READ IT FROM BOTTOM TO TOP)

[Arvon]

A Driving School Test

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

[Arvon]

Slightly PG.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
What is the FREQUENCY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:


Sixty hertz if you're in America.
Fifty hertz if you're in England.


Vs over lambda if you're an acoustical engineer.
C over lambda if you're a physicist.
Every fifteen or twenty seconds with sets every ten minutes
if you're a surfer.


Once every two years if you're a governor.
Once every four years if you're the President.
Once every lifetime if you're Dan Quayle.


Four times a day if you're normal.
Four times a week if you're dehydrated.
Four times an hour if you've been drinking beer.
Four times a minute if you've been drinking Coors.


Once or twice a day if you're normal.
Once or twice a week if you're constipated.
Once or twice a minute if you drink the water in Mexico.


Six times a week if you're normal.
Zero if you're celibate. Hand jobs don't count.
Eight times a week if your SO lives down the street.
Twelve times a week if your SO lives with you.
Twenty times a week if your SO lives with you and your other SO
lives down the street.
Twenty-four times a week if both your SO's live with you.


Three per session if you're normal.
Zero per session if you're impotent.
Zero per session if you're celibate. Hand jobs don't count.
One per session if you're old.
Ten per session if you're horny.
Twenty-seven per session if you just finished serving four straight
years on a Navy sub or a state prison. Gradually tapers to three
per session.


Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic.
Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic with an SO.
Once a year if you're an unmarried Catholic with a fiance, but it
didn't really count because neither of you came, right?
Once a minute for the first two weeks of a Catholic marriage.
Twice a day for the first two years.
Once a day for the next three years.
Four times a week for the next five years.
Twice a week for the next five years.
Once a month with your spouse, twice a week with your lover,
for the next ten years.
Once every six months or so from now 'til death do you part.


Once every four years if you're an Engineering major.
Once every two years if you're a Physics major.
Once every three weeks if you're an English major.
Once every week if you're an Art major.
Twice a week if you're a stripper.
Three times a week if you're a high school football player.
Four times a week if you're a frat boy.
Four times a week if you're a sorority girl.
Fifteen times a week if you're a Tri-Delt.
Twenty times a week if your annual income is over $1 million.
Thirty-seven times a week if you're a gigolo.
Forty times a week if you're a prostitute.
Forty-two times a week if you're a high school cheerleader.
Seventy-eight times a week if you're Traci Lords or Barbara Dare.
Five thousand seven hundred fifty-five times a week in as
many different positions if you're Lisa.
Zero if you're John Holmes.