Joke World 5-1-80

[Arvon]

Polish Sausage

A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "You must be Polish"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something."

" If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?"

"Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

" Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?"

"Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

"And If I'd asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

" Well, I probably wouldn't."

"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

[Arvon]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Arvon]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."

[Arvon]

Pun Alert!

A businessman walks into a bar after a day at the office, sits down, and orders a drink. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he takes his first sip, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? The women must love you."

Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he finishes his drink & peanuts and orders another.

Next he hears a voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look grrrreat."

He whirls around to again see no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts and orders a third drink. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks fantastic. Is it an Armani? You are *SO* G.Q.!"

He immediately calls the bartender over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I going crazy?"

"Oh," the bartender, nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts."

"The peanuts?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yeah," replies the bartender, "...they're complimentary."

[Arvon]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got!"

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he says, "All right. Get in..."

[Arvon]

This big-city PC dealer bought a farm. He didn't have the faintest idea what to do first, so he went for a walk to look around. As he walked through a gate, he felt something soft under his feet, and a none-too-pleasant smell hit his nostrils. Looking down, he found he was standing right in the centre of a warm squishy, just-laid prairie-cake. A look of terror came into his eyes. "Help!" he shouted, "I'm melting!"

[Bungleau]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchase: it was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year-old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Arvon]

About Last Night

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...

..you !@#$ mosquito!

[Bungleau]

• She thought a quarterback was a refund.
• She thought General Motors was in the army.
• She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
• She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
• At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
• She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
• Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
• She tripped over a cordless phone.
• She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
• She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
• She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
• She studied for a blood test.
• She sold the car for gas money.
• When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
• When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
• When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
• She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
• She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
• She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
• She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

[Arvon]

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was ' Political Correctness '.
The winner wrote:

'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'