Joke World 4-1-08

[wellard]

That CitiBank joke is so funny because it is so believable

[ZFR]

In soviet Russia in a school one day the teacher says "Tomorrow we are having a collection for the socialist party of Ethiopia. Please bling a ruble each". Next day all the kids bring a ruble except little Ivan. The teacher asks him why he hasn't brought any money and he replies "My father said that for all he knows they don't even have a socialist party in Ethiopia." The teacher shrugs and lets him go.

After a few weeks the teacher announces "Tommorow we are having a collection for the worker unions in Ethiopia. Please bring a ruble each". Next day again all the kinds bring a ruble except little Ivan. The teacher asks him why didn't he get a ruble and he replies "My father said that for all he knows they don't even have workers unions in Ethiopia." The teachers doesn't say anything and she just lets him go.

Again some time passes and one day the teacher announces "Tomorrow we are having a collection for the starving children in Ethiopia. Please bring a ruble." Next day all the kids bring a ruble and little Ivan brings 3 rubles. The teacher asks him why did he bring three, and he replies "My father said that if the children in Ethiopia are starving then they definately have a socialist party and workers unions."

[Arvon]

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)












First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?




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Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)









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Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?









Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000 .

Now add 30 .
Add another 1000.

Now add 20..

Now add another 1000
Now add 10..

What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....









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Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.....Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







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Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?






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He just has to open his mouth and ask...

It's really very simple.... Like you!

[Arvon]

Husband says:

When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says:

I clean the toilet…

Husband says:

How does that help?

Wife says:

I use your toothbrush….

[Arvon]

We went to a party last Saturday night. One of the party-goers is friend of ours who happens to be a policeman in Wayland.

He told this story about he and a friend who went to Maine to go deer hunting. Seems they didn't get what they were after, but that was OK because they had the last laugh.

They had brought with them an inflatable, man sized doll which they dressed in hunter's clothing and tied it to the hood of their car just before leaving to return home. They also had pullover head masks that looked exactly like a deer which of course they each put on, and then drove nonchalantly down the Maine turnpike.

To say that they caused a commotion would be an understatement. They even got pulled over by a Maine State Trooper who said that they were really doing nothing wrong, but told them they were leaving a trail of accidents behind and asked them to kindly remove the costumes!

[Arvon]

Vasectomies...I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard. He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt.

[Arvon]

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it's very simple: I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

[Bungleau]

LOL! Good one, Arvon...

[Arvon]

This is what the Cockney alphabet looks like: AlexB



A for 'Orses ('ay for 'orses)
B for Mutton (Beef or Mutton)
C for Miles (see for miles)
D for Ential (Differential)
E for Brick ('Eave a Brick)
F for Vessence (Effervescence)
G for Get It (Gee, forget it!)
H for Bless You (Aitsshfa! A sneeze)
I for The Engine (Ivor the Engine)
J for Oranges (Jaffa Oranges)
K for Restaurant (Cafe or Restaurant)
L for Leather ('Ell for Leather)
M for Sis (Emphasis)
N for Lope (Envelope)
O for The Garden Wall (Over the Garden Wall)
P for Relief (??)
Q for a Bus (Queue for a Bus)
R for Mo ('alf a Mo)
S for Rantzen (Esther Rantzen)
T for Two (Tea for Two)
U for Me (You for Me)
V for La France (Vive la France)
W for the Winnings (Double you for the Winnings)
X for Breakfast (Eggs for Breakfast)
Y for Husband (Wife or Husband)
Z for Wind (Zephyr Wind)

[Arvon]

Going Crazy with Confusion


A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"