Joke World 02-01-10

[Arvon]

A carpet layer had justfinished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entirefloor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

[Timber Loftis]

[Timber Loftis]

[Arvon]

A bit PG...



Two lawyers are leaving the office.
"I can't wait to get home", says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties off".

"I know the feeling", the other says.

"No, I'm serious", says the first. "They're killing me".

[Arvon]

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."

"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.


A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."

"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

[Arvon]

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror... She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

[Arvon]

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
- Groucho Marx

"His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it."
- F. H. Bradley

"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
- Elizabeth Bowen talking about Aldous Huxley

"Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon."
- Abbie Hoffman

"The only genius with an IQ of 60."
- Gore Vidal talking about Andy Warhol

"A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind"
- Anonymous

"Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today"
- Anonymous

"Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing"
- Anonymous

"Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own"
- Anonymous

"He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory"
- Anonymous

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words"
- Anonymous

"I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works"
- Anonymous

"I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others"
- Anonymous

"He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe"
- Anonymous

[Arvon]

For Valentines day.... PG!!!



How To Say “I Love You” In Different Languages

I Love You. Three magical words that lead to many great, and not so great, moments in life. In case you were wondering, a user submitted his version of "I LOVE YOU" in a variety of languages.

•English...........I Love You
•Spanish.......... Te Amo
•French........... Je T'aime
•German.......... Ich Liebe Dich
•Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu
•Italian.......... Ti Amo
•Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni
•Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig
•Eskimo.......... Nagligivaget
•Greek............ S'Agapo
•Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe
•Irish............. Thaim In Grabh Leat
•Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh
•Russian........ Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
•Albanian....... Une Te Dua
•Finnish......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua
•Turkish........ Seni Seviyorum
•Hungarian...... Se Ret Lay
•Persian....... Du Stet Daram
•Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok
•Catalan...... Testimo Molt
•American.... Nice Tits

[VulcanRider]

Originally Posted by Arvon For Valentines day.... PG!!! How To Say “I Love You” In Different Languages I Love You. Three magical words that lead to many great, and not so great, moments in life. In case you were wondering, a user submitted his version of "I LOVE YOU" in a variety of languages. •English...........I Love You •Spanish.......... Te Amo •French........... Je T'aime •German.......... Ich Liebe Dich •Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu •Italian.......... Ti Amo •Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni •Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig •Eskimo.......... Nagligivaget •Greek............ S'Agapo •Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe •Irish............. Thaim In Grabh Leat •Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh •Russian........ Ya Lyublyu Tyebya •Albanian....... Une Te Dua •Finnish......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua •Turkish........ Seni Seviyorum •Hungarian...... Se Ret Lay •Persian....... Du Stet Daram •Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok •Catalan...... Testimo Molt •American.... Nice Tits

Redneck.... Erlene, get in the truck!

[Arvon]

He finally invested in a hearing aid after becoming virtually deaf. It was
one of those invisible hearing aids.
"Well, how do you like your new hearing aid?" asked his doctor.
"I like it great. I've heard sounds in the last few weeks that I didn't know
existed."
"Well, how does your family like your hearing aid?"
"Oh, nobody in my family knows I have it yet. Am I having a great time! I've
changed my will three times in the last two months."