Joke World 04-01-10

[Arvon]

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.
Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.
His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."

[Arvon]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that Ihave learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[Arvon]

A real oldie...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[Arvon]

The World's Economic Viruses
Government Virus - Nothing seems to get better, but all the elected officials say it's getting better.

Political Virus - Doesn't actually do anything, but you can't get rid of it until the next election.

Econometrician Virus - Sixty percent of the economies infected will lose 17 percent of their GDP 12 percent of the time (+/- a 2% margin of error).

Marxian Virus - Helps your economy go into a depression whenever it wants to.

Environmental Virus - Before allowing you to fix the recession, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

Chinese Virus - Crashes your economy, but denies it ever happened and calls you a liar.

AIG Virus - Makes sure it's too big to fail, while crashing everything else.

Stimulus Virus - Puts your economy in a recession for four years. When you finally recover, you're 10 trillion more dollars in debt.

[Arvon]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

[Timber Loftis]

[Arvon]

Originally Posted by Timber Loftis

Ah the deadly 'red ex'

[Timber Loftis]

Originally Posted by Arvon Ah the deadly 'red ex'

Not my fault your computer doesn't work right.

[Arvon]

Originally Posted by Timber Loftis Not my fault your computer doesn't work right.

I know, it's working now.

[Timber Loftis]