Joke World 2-1-08

[Arvon]

At a high school in Montana, a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1 ,2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

[Arvon]

Did you know:
When a baby poops it's diaper you're not suppose to hit 'em with a rolled up newspaper? --- LTCG

[Arvon]

A fellow from the city was driving through the country one day when he came upon a quaint farmhouse alongside of the road - and there was even a farmer standing out front. So the city boy decided to stop and talk to the farmer.

"Good morning, sir," he said, "I was driving by, admiring the country, 'cause I'm a city boy, and I couldn't help but notice that you have a field full of cows on your farm. Now I've lived in the city all my life and I've never tried any fresh country milk. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try some fresh country milk from your cows."

The farmer replied, "Son, those are bulls! You don't get milk from bulls!!"

And the city boy said, "But I won't hurt your cows. All I want to do is to try some fresh country milk."

The farmer had to try again, "Son, those are BULLS!! You don't get milk from BULLS!!!"

But the city boy persisted, "Really, I won't hurt your COWS! I just want to try some fresh country milk!!"

So the farmer reluctantly gave in, "Son, knock yourself out."

In a half an hour the city boy returned from the fields carrying a pail of fresh country milk. The farmer scratched his head and started to speak, but the city boy jumped in with, "You know, while I was out in the field getting this lovely fresh country milk, I saw a fence covered with honeysuckles. And you know, I've been city boy all my life and I've never had any fresh country honey. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try some fresh country honey from your honeysuckles."

And the farmer replied, "Son, honeysuckles are flowers. You get honey from bees."

But the city boy persisted, "I won't hurt your flowers. I just want to try some fresh country honey."

So the farmer tried again, "Son, honey comes from BEES!"

But the city boy was adamant, "Really, I won't hurt your FLOWERS! I just want to try some fresh country honey!!"

And the farmer reluctantly gave in again, "Son, be my guest."

In a half an hour the city boy boy returned with 2 mason jars full of honey. The farmer scratched his head harder than before and started to speak. Just then the city boy said, "You know, I'm a city boy - been a city boy all my life. Now while I was out getting some of that fresh country honey, I noticed that you have a field full of ■■■■■ willows ..."

"Son," interrupted the farmer, "let me get my hat."

[Arvon]

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the frozen seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

[VulcanRider]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[Arvon]

Senior Personal Ads

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?):

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition , but walks well.

[Arvon]

The Fastest Thing

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A BLINK ! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ... that's a very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain," said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants!

[Arvon]

The World's Easiest Quiz

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

PAGE DOWN TO FIND THE ANSWERS. NO CHEATING!

__________________________________________________ __













Answers:

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fir.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

[ZFR]

Well, here is the most difficult quiz then:

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer any five questions you choose. Time Limit: One hour. Begin immediately.

1. HISTORY- Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating expecially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

2. MEDICINE- You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING- 2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY- Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5. MUSIC- Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6. PSYCHOLOGY- Based on your knowledge of their words, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY- Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8. ENGINEERING- The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

9. EPISTEMOLOGY- Take a position for or against Truth. Prove the validity of your position.

10. PHYSICS- Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

11. PHILOSOPHY- Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

EXTRA CREDIT- Define the Universe. Give three examples.

[Arvon]

Originally Posted by ZFR Well, here is the most difficult quiz then: Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer any five questions you choose. Time Limit: One hour. Begin immediately. ...

Saw this one somewhere else too. Good one.