Ideas and suggestions please.

[Target]

Had a bit of a shock the other day, my other half said she felt we’d been drifting apart, things were not the same (came as quite a surprise to me I can tell you). She then said about giving ‘us’ 6 months to see work this out and be like we were. Fall in love again I guess.

I really need some ideas and suggestion on what to do to keep her, I still really love her and want her, I need some things we can do etc. I don’t have that much money so whisking her off on holiday somewhere is out of the question, and we have a 3-year-old daughter. Any idea suggestion would be great.

Thanks IW’s.

[Felix The Assassin]

Originally Posted by Target Had a bit of a shock the other day, my other half said she felt we’d been drifting apart, things were not the same (came as quite a surprise to me I can tell you). She then said about giving ‘us’ 6 months to see work this out and be like we were. Fall in love again I guess. I really need some ideas and suggestion on what to do to keep her, I still really love her and want her, I need some things we can do etc. I don’t have that much money so whisking her off on holiday somewhere is out of the question, and we have a 3-year-old daughter. Any idea suggestion would be great. Thanks IW’s.

First and foremost, you must communicate and drill down to the root of the issue or nothing you do will have much effect. Once you have found the root cause, then fix it, and apply 100% to maintain.

Children place a different twist on relationships. Silent Q&As for you.
1. How much care taking do you provide to the daughter element?
2. Could you spend more time / energy with the daughter element?
3. How much time do you "really" give to the spousal unit? Conversation, running an errand, cup of coffee and a danish?
4. Have you stopped doing 'some' things that you did before, (change)?
5. Time alone, how many times a month do you have a sitter, and just the two of you go out for at least two hours?


Do you have a stroller friendly park nearby?
Hobbies or sports you used to do together before the daughter element arrived? Revisit them?

Communicating with and raising your daughter, "how to".

Some authors who seem to have done something to contribute to society. There are several others, more than likely aisle after aisle of them, but some are just unique.

Joe Kelly
Michael Farris

From here, you will want to search for "how to be more romantic" etc.

Over 22 years in the Army, 3 years retired, over 22 years married, 16 year old daughter element still in the nest, I have a little experience in the area of what you are facing. Just remember, not always will one solution fix everything, but sometimes, it's just a simple daily quirk that sets the stage.

Feel free to PM me, I'm usually by here once a day.

I'm a far cry from an expert, but I have spent the night in a Holiday Inn Express!

[Bungleau]

Tough goings, Target, but at least you've got a sign and a chance!

To add to Felix's thoughts, the reason to stay in a relationship is because you're better in it than out of it. That said, the first step (in my book) is to figure out what you want out of it, and as importantly, what *she* wants out of it. It's not about changing to meet someone else's expectations, but about caring enough for someone else to see that they get what they need.

*edit* And once you know what you both want out of the relationship, determine (together) whether you can both get what you want out of the relationship. If you can't, and there's no way to get there, then there's no need to wait the six months. If you can, though... then you can invest the six months in getting there, and make things a lot better along the way. */edit*

Counseling is always an option. There are pay options, and you can also go with a minister or someone similar. Those tend to be cheaper, if not free.

The hardest thing in all that you'll go through and discuss is to remember one thing when your beloved is talking to you... she's right. Whatever she thinks, says, emotes, or believes, she's right... because that's how she sees it. At the same time, whatever you think, say, emote, or perceive is also right, since that's how you see it. As long as you're speaking from the heart about how you feel, you are always correct. The two of you can have different interpretations of how something happened, or how it makes you feel, but that doesn't make either one wrong. You've both got to be able to talk to each other without judgment.

Next most important is listening... you have to not only hear what she says, but actually listen to it. And she needs to do the same thing The old adage about having two ears, one mouth, and using them in that proportion holds true... on both sides. Don't interrupt to tell her where she's wrong, or why that's not the way it is. Listen... and then respond.

Bottom line... everyone goes through challenges and stress. Sometimes, they make you stronger. Sometimes they break you. As a human, though, you can decide which one it will be.

Good luck, amigo. You've got friends and support here...

[Target]

Thanks
A lot to read and take in. It's nice to have friend here.
I moved from my friends and family to be with her, so I don't really have any where I am, the firends I do have are hers so I can't really talk to them.

[Target]

Another odd question, I really want my other half to start fancying me (finding me more appealing) again, what is it that attracts you to someone, what makes you fancy/want someone?

[Kynaeus]

It's really difficult to say what makes you more attracted to another person because of the huge variance from person to person. Sorry, but you're going to have to try and think of this on your own unless you give us some more info. Just try thinking of all the little things you used to do that made her smile or laugh, try talking to her more, having fun outside the house, etc. Hope everything is going well for you!

[Captain Obvious]

Attraction is a tough one - but in my (admitedly limited) experience, massage is always a good way to help the mood along. Also, a really long sensual relaxing massage will help her unwind a bit, and it shows you love her.

Im not talking about a quick shoulder rub. Im talking a Once the daughter is in bed 2 hour, full body massage - from head to toes. Put on some nice music, candles, fragrancy massage oil stuff (god i hate that stuff, but my wife loves it) and take your time. Actaully, take HER time.

While this may not make you a stud muffin overnight, it is a very caring, loving thing to do - and i get the impression you are after that more than rampant sex.

I also agree with the others - you need to really communicate with her and find out exactly why she feels as she does. Again, in my limited experience it is often very difficult for people to sit down and explain feelings like that (she may not even know exactly why herself). You could suggest she write you a letter explaining things.

The benefit of this is she will have time to think about the why, and can take the time to write it as she means - often in a face to face conversation you get distracted, say things not quite right etc. Also, she will get to say what she says without you interrupting - so she can write down points A.B & C without having to stop and discuss point A.

I am not sure how your relationshiop started, but if there were love letters, cards or poetry in the beginning, pull it out and read through it together. The wife and i still love to read the emails we sent each other as friends.

Man, all the best. I hope things work out for you and your family.

[Unglaublich Verwustung]

Originally Posted by Target Another odd question, I really want my other half to start fancying me (finding me more appealing) again, what is it that attracts you to someone, what makes you fancy/want someone?

Kynaeus is right on this one, we can't tell you what makes you attractive to her, or vice-versa. But either she can tell you, or you can tell yourself; you do have that knowledge, it may just have slipped away a little.

You're together, therefore she was attracted to you in the first place. She wants to give both of you time to fix it - to me that sounds like she still is attracted to you. If she wasn't the pair of you wouldn't have this opportunity. Trust me, I've been there, I guess most of us have at some point.

And look in yourself, have you changed to fit what you think she expects and become a different person from the one she fell for? Be yourself, be happy with yourself, be happy with her.

On a final note I do find your comment that your friends are all her friends quite saddening. These people should be your friends as well, it seems somehow wrong that you think of them as 'hers'.

All I can say is that relationships don't take work, but they do take effort, not the same thing at all. Good luck.

[Harkoliar]

good advice has been posted here. just wish you luck! im sure you can do it!

[Balintherlas]

Isn't that one of the most dreadful things a guy can hear? However, you know your wife better than anyone from here would (I assume), so you'll prolly just have to think on what she wants to hear from you, what she wants you to do.

As to your second question, I think that the fisrt thing people notice is the physical appearance, what they themselves think is handsome or pretty. So maybe you should try workin out, build a little more muscle to get som more definition.

That being said, I don't know the first thing about love and relationships. Good luck with your wife though Target, if she's talking to you about how she feels thats prolly a good sign right?