Some more derangements

[John D Harris]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show
you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into
his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat
stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the
blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender,
"If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free
drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees,
thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the
first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny
rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny
piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds
to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and
pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with
the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger
confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger
increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he
insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases
the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally
agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange
for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could
have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a
mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a
ventriloquist."
***********************
CHICKEN SOUP FOR BEER DRINKERS
.
.
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver." By Jack Schitt
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools."
Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny
Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin
Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000
B.C.!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Dave Howell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER Helping White Guys Dance Since 1869.
T-shirt in Florida
****************************
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive
lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm worried neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled
in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to
admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
****************************
Hell's Bells
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was
to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so,
Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance,
which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply
by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was,
too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell
had not rung at all!
Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the
Pulletsurprise.
********************************


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest
when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford
Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car
radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm.
The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is
470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average
tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it
take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge
of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the
ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet
and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch
rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound
dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a
hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5
children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on
the man's land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards
down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The
brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads,
what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that
has a muffler?

9. A coalmine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A
gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How
many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during
the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5%
per generation, how long will it take a town that has been
bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western
singer?
************************

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became famous actor.
The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as "the lesser of two weevils. "

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that "you can't have your kayak and heat it, too."

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to "transcend dental medication. "

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand - chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that "Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars."

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good!) "A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. "

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, "no pun in ten did."
*******************************
Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things ... no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave, but it ain't bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kinda weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours hold you till noon, when you get fed again. It aint no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches', which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet, and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Colonels and Generals just ride around and frown. They don't bother none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep gettin medals
for shootin. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move.
And it ain't shooting back, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lay there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure and tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your lovin daughter
Gail
P.S. Speakin of shootin, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good

[arion windrider]

funny john.. too funny everyone has some really cool jokes...