Georgey-Baby

For all of you aspiring essay writers out there, I have the quintessential essay for you all. We received this from our social studies teacher way back in october when we were doing our first DBQ (Document-based question) essay. Basically, this essay should serve as a model as to what not to do for the AP Exam in May. His words exactly were

"If any of you ever write this on the AP, I'll come after you with an axe."

Not to mention his response to my question.
"Mr. Faigle, what did you do when you read this?"
"I laughed my ass off"

So for seriously a good laugh, here is the "Georgey-baby" essay. And yes, it is a real essay written for the AP Examination that the people up in Harvard read and graded.

The Articles of Confederation were the U.S.’s first attempt at government. Some Historian ascertain that they would have succeeded, but the public wanted 2 better, more efficient governing body. To put it in a nut shell, the Articles were dumb.

The one major flaw in these stupid Articles was the inability for congress to take the shirts off of America’s backs. That is, to tax. We all know that money makes the world go round, 2nd the US had not enough of this “green fuel” to operate successfully. The Articles advocated 2 types of honor-system where each state gave copious of amounts of asshole into U.S government. This did not work. Since all states are made up of humans, the typical greedy and corrupt nature of citizens and politicians alike ruined the “spirit of America”. A new piece of legislation was needed.

The documents for this essay are all silly, inane, and useless. The following will be a document by document description of how those writings are just as dumb as the Articles.

The letter from Rhode Island made absolutely no sense at all. It rambled on about how it would obey the Articles except the parts against its own constitution. No wonder no one great even hails from Rhode Island. The only ancestors couldn’t get their act together. They tried to split their loyalty, which is about as possible as splitting ones body and still existing.

The table of Document B seems in no way related to the Articles. All it shows is that population increases during the Articles government while U.S. export value stayed basically the same. Now, the economy confuses the hell out of me so I won’t even attempt to explain or comprehend it, but there is one loose connection: if the U.S. ain’t makin’ some bucks for its expanding population, then perhaps (it might be a Longshot) the Articles of Confederation screw up the economy.

Jones’s letter to Georgey-baby also show money problems. Soldiers ain’t getting’ there money to spend on booze and women. This will make for some very unhappy, sober, and horny fighting men. Due to their lack of money and therefore [undreadable] experiences these fighting men must turn their energies elsewhere. They most likely turned to violence. Therefore, by its unability to make cash, the Articles caused a greater incidence of violence in the U.S. during 1788-1789. Statistics prove this. In fact, why isn’t there a chart on violence among our fighting men as compared to their salary?

Because of our money problems, Jay had to tell off our friends in Great Britain. Jay said, “Cancel our debts because the Articles blow”. This most likely [unreadable] the British, who lost their cash. Like I’ve said, money is all that is important to some people.

Now, we got to our nice map. What the hell does state cession have to do with the Articles? Well, the government had to bend the states’ arms to get them to cede law. The articles were not tough enough. The articles are like quiche, kinda flimsy and flakey. You know, they had no backbone.

The next order of business was geographic rights. We [unreadable] the Mississippi and New Orleans or else the farmers out West would be screwed. Again, the 98-16 weakling Articles could not help us out. We needed a strong constitution and leaders to kick the Spanish pig dogs off of our continent. The quiche-like Articles couldn’t let us do that. It was too NICE!

Jay’s next letter is a piece of political rhetoric. He says absolutely nothing in 100 words or more. He trusts things will get better, but then contradicts himself, fearing a better kind of people. Now, what kind of jerk is Jay to fear better people? This is another reason to oppose the Articles: It produced a diplomat like Jay, who should have been shot on sight by any real American.

Raulin Loundes is another idiot. This man said that the Articles only had one flaw. WRONG! How this guy got elected I’ll never know. I match his analogy. If your house is on fire, full of termites, bugs and spiders, smells like a dead pig, and is on the verge of collapsing over a cliff into the sea, you don’t try to salvage it, you construct a new one. The Articles had many flaws concerning the inability to make money, pay workers, and control the economy. It, therefore, needed to be ousted, just as someone should have done to Raulin. God, you see, he was not a good political science student. He did not master his material.

Well, that’s it for those crummy documents. As anyone knows, money talks. Using this statement, the Articles of Confederation were quite silent as it made no money. Face it, making money, illegally, or legitimately, is as American as Apple Pie. Foreign [unreadable] is [unreadable] [unreadable] etc, and capturing small Caribbean Islands. This is why the Articles has to go: no money.

[Sir Degrader]

What the hell was that!?