A sick Oldie

[Arvon]

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.

The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.

So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.

Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

[ZFR]

Is this where we post our Irish drinking jokes?

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admitted that this is a nice custom.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then it occurs to him what's happening. "Oh, no." he says, "Everyone's fine. Only my doctor told me I've got to quit drinking."

[ 09-23-2005, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: ZFR ]

[Ivelliis]

Irish jokes? Heard this one on Monday while watching Jack Dee Live at the Apollo:

An irishman goes for a job in a blacksmiths.

"Have you had any experience in shoeing horses?" The blacksmith asked.

And the irishman replied: "No, but I told a dog to go away once!"

(I cleaned up the ending a bit )

[SecretMaster]

An American, an Australian and an Irish man were traveling through a desert when their car broke down. They could only take one thing of what they needed to survive, so the Australian takes the hat and says,
"This hat will protect me from the sun." The American takes the large flask water and says, "This will keep me from getting thirsty."
The Irish lad looks around for something and grabs the car door. The Australian and the American look at him for a while and say,"Why the hell are you bringing that car door with you? It's way too heavy!"
The Irish man replies, "Well if it gets too hot out there I can wind the window down!"

[VulcanRider]

Two Irishmen were walking through the woods and came upon a big black hole. One picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound...

He turned to the other guy and said, "That must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom."

They found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said, "Naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."

[burnzey boi]

An Irish man an Australian and an American we're all going to Hawaii when the plain crashed in the ocean. Being the only 3 that survived, they decided to stick together while swimming to a nearby island.
Upon arriving at the island, they saw villagers crowding around them with curious faces. The tribe leader comes out and says:

" You have come to our sacred island, you must be sacrifised!" He shouted

"No, No, we will do anything you want!" exclaimed the Irish man.

"very well, you each have to go in jungle and find fruit. When find fruit you must return here for test, the test is to stick that fruit up your bottom without laughing or making a sound." The three looked at each other and gulped. They wanted to live at least.

So the three of them waltzed into the jungle. The australian had a banana when he came back, but didnt last long and he got speared. The American came back with 10 grapes. He was doing excelent out of all of them, he was on his 8th grape when he laughed himself to death. Upon arriving at heaven, the Australian looks at him and goes " Hang on, how come you laughed? You had the easiest thing to use!"

"Yeah i know." laughed the american "but i couldnt help myself because the next guy had a watermelon!"

[Melcheor]

Two irishmen were working as groundmen for the council in a quiet street in a suburb of cork. One was digging holes in the verge all the way down the street whilst the other followed. It was a hot day and they were both working up quite a sweat, but they kept going, digging and filling. A passer by watched this for a few minutes and, unable to contain his curiosity any longer, went up to the filler and said, "Look i appreciate you're both working very hard, but whats the point? You're not getting anywhere, your just filling up holes your partner has gone to the trouble to dig.

The man replied, "ah well I can see how it might look a bit stupid, but the man who plants the trees is ill today..."

[Melcheor]

"Ireland's worst air disaster happened two hours ago when a 2 seater Cesna aircraft crashed into a cemetary in Dublin. Rescue workers have uncovered 58 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the night..."

[ 09-24-2005, 07:21 AM: Message edited by: Melcheor ]

[Melcheor]

Got this in my inbox yesterday...

- Hi, I'm a virus from County Kerry!
- Please forward me to all the people in your address book.
- Then delete everything on your hard drive.
- Thanks very much!

(I know loads of these, which is quite sad as I can trace quite a bit of my ancestry back to the irish...)

[ 09-24-2005, 07:25 AM: Message edited by: Melcheor ]

[Callum]

"Ireland's most notorious counterfeiter, Sean O'Connelly, has been apprehended by police today. He was found in his home with a stash of 8 pound notes."