Ever had a major setback in life? How did you cope with it?

[Memnoch]

You know, when you've set your eyes on a goal to try and achieve something, and you fall short and fail to achieve it...maybe a promotion you were going for which someone else got, or maybe you got dropped from your football team for someone else, or maybe you really wanted to get into a particular university but you missed out. Obviously major is subjective, but I'm sure most of us have faced some setbacks at some point in time like the above, maybe some even more serious than the above.

I'm curious as to how each of us coped with our particular setback or adversity...reason I'm posting this is because I just missed out on a promotion that I really wanted and it hurt bigtime. [img]graemlins/awcrap.gif[/img] This is the first considerable career setback I've had in recent times when I've been happy with where my career is going, but after this I feel like I'm at a crossroads. There's a tiny little part of me that wants to curl up and die (hmm, maybe not ) but mostly I feel pissed off that I got passed over, and it's made me REALLY determined to prove these bastards wrong.

It's a bit similar to another setback I had when I was playing basketball at school and I got dropped for someone else because I had a poor run of form. That seemed like the end of the world to me too. [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img] There's that part of me that just wants to say "stuff it" and forget about it all but I'm a very competitive person and there's that bigger part that just makes me want to prove them wrong.

It's tough though...I'm not going to sleep well for a few nights, that's for sure. What about you guys? Any setbacks in life and how did you cope with it?

[The Hierophant]

Awwwww. *pats Mario on back* Cheer up buddy [img]smile.gif[/img]
'Careers' have a way of taking on an illusory, inflated sense of importance in many peoples lives. I mean, what is a 'promotion' anyway? Another rung on some metaphorical ladder? You can keep climbing and climbing the chain of command, sure, but I guarantee you that no matter how high you climb, you'll still end up in the same grave as every other person that's ever lived... if I may so morbid as to say so [img]smile.gif[/img] Future promotions, power, 'success', what good are they if you are unable to be content with and truly appreciate what you have right here, right now?

All I can say is rather than drive yourself spare with concerns over your position in some ever-shifting, pseudo-imaginary hierarchy, focus on all the things in your life that you have to be thankful for. Your health, your family, your friends.

Just today I realised that I'm not going to finish my dissertation by October. Which means I'll have to hold off my graduation for yet ANOTHER year. Most of my friends have graduated and moved overseas already. And here I am, staying behind in sleepy little Dunedin, for another year, while everyone else is off adventuring [img]smile.gif[/img] But man, if that's the way it's gotta be, then that's the way it is. Life is too short for self pity. It really is. At least you and I are alive to experience such setbacks to our precious little schedules [img]smile.gif[/img]

You're an awesome guy Mario, with an amazing array of life achievements so far. Savour your life man, every last second of it. Even during an unpleasant time in your life, you're still alive! That's what's important, to you, and to the people you care about. Sometimes you need the lows to really appreciate the highs.

[ 08-02-2004, 08:59 AM: Message edited by: The Hierophant ]

[Bungleau]

How have I handled it in the past? Not well, frankly... at least, not for the first little bit. Once I'm past that, though, I try to find a way to use it as leverage for my next goals.

If it's something that's really important to you, you might ask the decision-maker what the difference was... what you might be able to do now so that if you're up for this promotion again, you'd have a better chance of getting it. Don't ask why you didn't get this one; that's whining sour grapes. Instead, ask what you could do differently to get the next one.

Peace, and strength to you.

[Stormymystic]

major setbacks? I am not sure I have had any real setbacks by what you describe..... the only thing that I see as a major setback right now, is we were supposed to have a car by now, but then again, everyone wonders why I complain about riding in a limo all the time....but I always seem to get back up on my feet no matter what, sure I gripe and complain about what is wrong, but who doesn't? but as The Hierophant pointed out, we are still breating and ticking, there are some who would be grateful just to have a job (me for one) but I know I can get one when my kids go back to school, but there are alot of people who can not hold down a job for some reason or the other. I am grateful for having a home to live in, food in my house, and a bike to ride, a bed to sleep in...all the things most people take for granted but I did not have growing up....long story on that one. guess I could see that as a setback though. when I was a child we moved all the time, no place was good enough so my parents decided to take the nomadic lifestyle, meaning living in a tent where ever we found a place. but I always looked at it on the brighter side [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Memnoch]

Thanks very much for those kind words, Aaron, I'm very touched mate. Cheers! [img]smile.gif[/img] But listen guys, I don't want this to turn into a thread about me. I'm very keen to hear anyone's experiences from THEIR point of view, rather than moping/commiserating about my own...I'm a bit pissed off at the moment but I'll get over it. I also play competitive sport and this has happened to me before - I was dropped from our basketball team, and then my first season of rugby here in OZ (when I was still at school) I thought I'd gone very well but then I got dropped for our grand final, that REALLY hurt. I was devastated for weeks, particularly since I thought I'd been playing REALLY well - it was really more the reality check, that maybe I wasn't as good as I thought I was, that really stung.

But I'm very curious to hear how the rest of us react to this kind of thing. I'm a bit of a stickybeak for human nature.

[ 08-02-2004, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: Memnoch ]

[Cloudbringer]

Hey Maz! [img]graemlins/kissy2.gif[/img]

Been there a few times and had similar reactions. When they merged my department with two others 7 or 8 years ago, I was the number one candidate for the newly created supervisory position that is now doing everything I used to do in terms of administrative work only on a larger scale as well as supervising myself and another person.

Well, due to inhouse politics and lots of jockeying of the departments who didn't want to be be 'left out' when things were merged, I ended up not getting the job. (I had it from members of the committee that the arguing was fierce and my candidacy was shot down by a pair of committee members from the other two merging departments who decided that if they couldn't have someone with their specializations and leanings toward their old departments, they'd rather have someone from outside.)

I was really angry, hurt...you name it. I thought of just showing them they'd blown it by doing my best then I considered showing them what they'd lost by finding other employment (and I sent out resumes for a while), but in the end I rolled with the punches and despite the major changes in how my own job works now, I'm fairly content with things. Although I will say it's been amusing to watch THREE people take that job over the 7 years. First one (that got hired instead of me) got fired after one year (got a bit of a chuckle over that because I'd predicted it...they hired someone who wanted to be the big cheese but got the crumbkeeping job...) and the second one lasted a few years but took off half a year for maternity leave and worked partial weeks after that then decided to take a complete career change and left with only a month or so of warning. I'd predicted she'd last no more than four years.....my colleagues grudgingly admitted I was right as they hunted for a replacement. The current one may last a few more years but as with the others, she took the job, expecting it to be something completely different and will probably want a move in a few years or will take a second maternity leave and then decide to find another job- we'll see.

Anyway, my point in all that was that I've survived and weather the changes and it occurs to me that for whatever reason I didn't get the other job, I'm happy enough now that I've seen the stress the incumbent deals with and the way that position has been reformed - it's not what I would have wanted to be doing, that's for sure! So I grin and take home my paycheck while doing less involved and less stressful work every day. Not that it's not stressful...LOL...just not in the way the other job is and I'm actually very grateful for that!

So I guess I'm saying...don't let the competive edge and the dissapointment eat at you and steal vital energy. It'll just wear you out and make it harder to do what you need to do there.

I didn't get the impression you dislike your current job, but more that you just wanted a move up? If that's true, then my suggestion is roll with this and let them see you're a team player. If you don't get the next promotion you feel you are qualified and the best one to take...then consider you other options and alternatives. [img]smile.gif[/img]

In any event, I have to say you've done alot with your career and life in the time you've had! And as Hiero said, sometimes it's not worth all the hassle and stress just to move up, unless it's important to you because that's the particular job you wanted to be doing, in which case I'd say find out who they DID hire and what it is about that person that is different from what you have to offer so you have an idea what they wanted there. If this isn't something you can be/do, then maybe it's time to reconsider the particular ladder you're climbing. If not, then make the changes and move up next round!

And for what it's worth, I think you'd be good at almost anything you set your mind to doing, Maz. You've got a great attitude toward life and a zest for things that makes most people envious. [img]smile.gif[/img]


ps: tried to post this ages ago but the danged reply timed out and I got the 'can't find page' screen of death! [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[Ronn_Bman]

I usually feel sorry for myself for awhile(despite trying not to), and do a bit of pouting before I realize that it wasn't as big a deal as I'd made it out to be.

A couple of beers with my friends never hurt either.

[Cloudbringer]

Originally posted by Ronn_Bman: I usually feel sorry for myself for awhile(despite trying not to), and do a bit of pouting before I realize that it wasn't as big a deal as I'd made it out to be. A couple of beers with my friends never hurt either.

That's about it in a nutshell! Hehe..only I don't do the beer thing...more likely a vodka sour.

[Leonis]

Memnoch, the most major setback I've experienced was the breakup of my marriage, which you know a bit about... I dealt with with it by drinking copiously and being generally self destructive - for a while. Sometimes it's ok to feel sorry for yourself, but after a while you have to start looking up and out again (in my experience). I've realised that I would never have taken the opportunities that have lead to me touring OS if I was still in that situation. It's a living example to me of the whole 'one door shuts, another opens' thing.

It's also shown me that I make my own life happen. It was only when I started being confident and actively pursuing new avenues that they began to open up.

My advice to others would be, if you want something - try hard to get it. If you don't get it, reassess and look for the next thing. Will a major setback can initially be out of our control, it's up to us how much of a setback it is long term...

[Memnoch]

Thanks guys, I do appreciate the sympathy...but I really don't want this to be about me, I'm the kind of bloke where if something happens to me and I react a certain way, I like knowing how other people react to it. In this particular case I think it's useful for all of us to share how we react to adversity, because of course there's no right way to react to it, we're all different. Derek, thanks for sharing mate. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

And Amber, what happened to you is similar to what happened to me - the annoying thing is the guy that got it was someone I actually trained up when he started a couple of years ago. And the funny thing is, I don't REALLY want the job - I have my sights set higher than this job, it's more that someone else got it before me, and that in measuring myself against this person I think I'm better than them. It's the competitive side of me that's gotten bruised, I reckon. [img]smile.gif[/img]

Anyway, thanks to all who shared their insights, look forward to reading many more when I wake up. As per Ronn's advice, I definitely hit the turps tonight.

[ 08-02-2004, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Memnoch ]