I really need some advice!

[The Trickster]

I have an issue that I need to deal with sooner rather than later. Before I go on, I would like to request that people hold back on the jokes and flamebaiting for at least this thread. This is quite important to me as I'm sure you would understand.

Some of you would know that I am an Atheist from past threads. I do not believe in God or any other religious being for that matter, but this thread is not about discussing the existence or non-existence of God, so I would appreciate any help from members whether they are Christians or non-Christians.

Around the time that religious discussions were running rampant here at IW, many of which I was involved in under the name Aviendha, I was also conducting these discussions outside of the forum with friends, family, and anyone that would listen. My wife Alison was one of the people that I discussed this with on a few occasions and I questioned her continuously about her belief in God and the Bible without actually being a Christian. It seems that I struck a chord with her as she started going to church within a couple of weeks. My wife is now a Christian. She goes to Church, bible study, and other church activities throughout the week. This doesn't upset me a lot as you might expect it to. I have never had a real problem with Christians in general, I just don't believe the same things as them. As a couple though, I think that things are going to get extremely interesting in our future together.

For example, how do we raise our children when the time comes? Obviously, there is going to have to be a lot of compromising, but to what extent? When my little girl or boy says to me "Daddy, why don't you go to Church?", or "Daddy, does God exist?", what am I going to say? Surely I can't tell them the opposite to what their mother has told them, as they will be extremely confused kids. Do I lie to them?
Do I want my kids to go to a Christian school and have Jesus shoved in their face every day? Not at all!!! But can I tell my wife that they will not? No!

Further to all this, as Alison gets more and more involved in Christianity, she's going to feel less and less close to me as a human being. This scares me a lot! I'm not going to go into all the other problems that we are likely to face, but I am looking for any advice from people whom are either in the same situation, or have an understanding of the situation.

You may be thinking to yourself, "he really should sort this out with his wife!". Well, we talk about this all the time. Unfortunately I don't know the answers to a lot of the problems and I'm a bit scared about what might be down the track for us even though we have so much else in common and are happily married.

Ben.

[The Ornery One]

I've been in that kind of situation before both as child and as a parent. My parents were from slightly different religious backgrounds with one side of the family being mostly baptist and the other side mostly catholic or orthodox. Me and my sister alternatively went to different churches when we were little but didn't really belong to any since we didn't go regularly. Our parents didn't make us go and I quit going when I was about 10 because none of it made any sense to me. I still don't belong to any religion but my son has started going to AWANA meetings every Sunday with my nephew. As long as both you and your wife explain about your separate ways to your children and agree to let them decide on their own, it there shouldn't be any problems. Doubt I'm much help, though. I usually avoid religious discusion like the plague!

[Lord Starshadow]

Well, as a former Catholic, I'm not sure if I'm totally qualified to make an attempt at an answer. But, since you have asked for some advice, I think that I it would be wrong of me not to say something.

I think as long as you teach your kids the values of benevolence (helpfulness, kindness, and such), it doesn't matter what you do. I'd say that the best way would be to expose your kids to both sides of the issue (Christian and your own views), but that is difficult to do with younger ones. In my opinion, Christian teaching may not be a bad way to go for younger children. Children seem to pick up on the teachings and the general goodness from Christian teachings and such. I don't mean to say that you have to put them in a private school, but sunday school might not be a bad idea when they're young. Once they get older, you can let them make their own decisions on religion.

I went to a private school for my schooling all the way until I went off to college. It didn't get bad until high school, when I started to disagree with a lot of what I was being taught of religion. After, so many years of having Jesus and Catholic teaching thrusted unrelentlessly in my face, I got tired of it because it didn't fit into my own beliefs about the way things work. I found that learning about other religions helped me form my beliefs, and in the end, I think the best way to find your own religion is to research all the ones that you find until you find one that fits with you.

I hope that helped and didn't sound too much like a rant. I can discuss more of my thoughts and experiences if you'd like more.

[Nanobyte]

I know religion if factored around a lot of things, but it doesn't govern everything. I'm not beating my around the bush here, but I believe deism is the best stance in life. I too, at one time, believed the same things as you do now, that there is no God and such, but I try to be a little more realistic (not bashing you though!! [img]smile.gif[/img] )

What I'd say, even if you'd take the advice of someone who knows remotely nothing of relationships, is that you should try to focus your life more around other things. If you and your wife come about some arguement concerning religion, change the subject, or if you have to, walk away for a moment. The choices you make concerning your children should come natural. If you believe that they will live a better life having faith in God, then you do what you must. If they ask why you don't go to church, say something like "Daddy's busy." I don't know, my knowledge on the subject is little, and I wish I could help you more. Just remember to live life and pursue HAPPINESS. [img]smile.gif[/img]

Originally posted by The Trickster: For example, how do we raise our children when the time comes? Obviously, there is going to have to be a lot of compromising, but to what extent? When my little girl or boy says to me "Daddy, why don't you go to Church?", or "Daddy, does God exist?", what am I going to say? Surely I can't tell them the opposite to what their mother has told them, as they will be extremely confused kids. Do I lie to them? Do I want my kids to go to a Christian school and have Jesus shoved in their face every day? Not at all!!! But can I tell my wife that they will not? No! Further to all this, as Alison gets more and more involved in Christianity, she's going to feel less and less close to me as a human being. This scares me a lot! I'm not going to go into all the other problems that we are likely to face, but I am looking for any advice from people whom are either in the same situation, or have an understanding of the situation. You may be thinking to yourself, "he really should sort this out with his wife!". Well, we talk about this all the time. Unfortunately I don't know the answers to a lot of the problems and I'm a bit scared about what might be down the track for us even though we have so much else in common and are happily married. Ben.

Be honest with your children if you want them to respect you when they get older. You can tell them "I don't think so but your mother does." and any further questions to you about God they may direct at you ccan be referred to their mother since she believes in God. If you change your mind later in life, don't be afraid to ask them questions lol and don't be afraid to explain your own beliefs just because they are different than hers.

Let your wife give your children their religious education and take them to church if she wants to, they are her kids too and when they are older they are going to make their own judgements anyway so no matter what you do in the way of bringing them up, they are going to be exposed to both sides of the coin just by living around a variety of people with a variety of ideas and will gradually develop their own beliefs that may or may not reflect those of you and your wife.

I would definitely not recommend a Christian school though because unless both parents are Christians your children are going to be exposed to unnecessary negativity and/or stress over your non-belief.

If you honestly believe that your wife is going to feel less and less close to you as she gets more and more involved in Christianity, you can almost be certain that you will (subconsciously) give her every reason to. If you can stop fearing her belief being so different than yours and she can accept her religion without bias to people who refuse to conform to it then the two of you should be able to continue on with your happily married life.

My grandmother was an active Christian, she even played the piano and organ in the Baptist church she attended. My step-grandfather, on the other hand was athiest through and through, right up to the day he died. They were married for over thirty years and are buried next to each other. The five children they raised together all have their own beliefs...Christianity (2 Catholics and 1 Baptist), Athiesm, and Total Hypocrisy.

Good Luck.

[The Trickster]

Thanks everyone so far. Does anyone else have any advice?

[Yorick]

I think one thing to consider is this.

Who will be more upset if your children are raised with differing beliefs from them? To whom will it have more impact?

Regarding the 'growing apart' aspect, that's something that any couple can deal with in life. It could be a new career that shapes ones thoughts. It could be a change in health that changes ones perspective. Or if one gains new friends that influence ones thoughts and opinions. The key is communicating so you know each other and grow interdependently, not being aiming to be mental clones of each other.

All that's happened is that she's become closer to Jesus. If she follows the leading of the Holy Spirit, she'll seek to be closer, more committed, more forgiving, more at peace and more loving with you. Hardly something to fear.

Many preachers sermons are actually relationship enhancing advice. Stress management counsel. Marriage guidance. The only difference to a secular talk on the same issues is that God is the focus. There's a push to "let go and let God". To do as Jesus would do, and let the Holy Spirit in.

I don't know if you're worried about it at all, but she would never be instructed to leave you. On the contrary, the Bible is very clear about her staying with you whether you're a believer or not.

As some have written, there are many cases of people of differring worldviews marrying.

My girlfriends parents went through a similar situation. Her mother became a Christian. Her father thought she'd gone round the bend. Consequently my girlfriend had a lower opinion of her mother.... until she herself came to know Jesus.

Then her father had to contend with two women who loved God And all they do is love him.

I think at the end of the day, you've just got to let her be herself yeah? If she wants to believe, let her. There's no issue. Let her be a bird outside of a cage.

Even christians married to each other are going to have differing beliefs.
I have to watch myself with a partner, that I don't shove my theology down their throat. I think my ex-wifes faith got a whole lot better after we split, as it became truly independently vibrant, not overly influenced by her opinionated, stubborn husband. When I met her she was going to my preacher-father's church. (I'd left it a few years before). Once we started going out, there was no way I was going to my fathers church again, so we went to mine. I took her away from her church.

Consequently I'm mindful of that with people I've been with since. Giving them air. Room to have faith. To doubt.

She will have doubts Ben. That's a part of faith. She'll need to talk to you about issues she has with her church or with God, and not feel like you're trying to pry her away from it or remove her faith. Be there as an ear brother. An ear not trying to control.

I hope you guys are cool mate. [img]smile.gif[/img] I see no reason why not, but I'll be praying for you guys bro. [img]smile.gif[/img] You're a good man.

[ 10-26-2002, 12:46 AM: Message edited by: Yorick ]

[Downunda]

Originally posted by The Trickster: Does anyone else have any advice?

Don't toke nutmeg [img]smile.gif[/img]

[The Trickster]

Originally posted by Downunda: quote: Originally posted by The Trickster: Does anyone else have any advice?

Don't toke nutmeg [img]smile.gif[/img] [/QUOTE]Phil, I'm sure I said no jokes in this thread please. Oh...maybe you're serious! Did you actually try that?

[Mellagar]

Religion has never been an issue of mine. I've been introduced to just about every religion created: Baptist, Lutheran, Catholic, Protestant, the list is nearly endless. In truth there is no real advice I or anyone else can give that will have the proper answer. In all honesty I believe you should leave the choice of religion up to the children. If they so desire to believe in god then that's their choice. However, I always felt religion was devoid of, not a result of common sense. First teach them morals, common sense, and the strong ability to think logcially for themselves before introducing something like religion. When they are capable of making their own rational decisions they may come to realize they'll have no need for religion, and your worries are over, if indeed you have any. As objectional as it may sound to some, the religions I have seen came across as more of a "control of the masses" then some spiritual enlightenment. Responsibility is the best asset anyone can possess and when you have that, a grand spectacle such as a god will seem humorous. These are my viewpoints, yours are your own, and looking at my clock I am late for tea so I must be going now. Good luck, and remember......don't allow belief or emotion to judge your actions.