MORE country humor... Redneck computer terms

10-04-2001, 07:52 PM

------------------Redneck computer terms-------------------------
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
---------------if bill gates where a redneck----------------------

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with duct Tape and a Hefty Bag
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunken redneck yelling Free bird!
Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Sweet Home Alabama
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++
Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts
New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Instead of asking "where do you want to go today? it's more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein the back?
Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using the NotePad
---------------------Barbie and kens list to santa--------------------------
Barbie and Ken's Letters to Santa
Barbie's Letter To Santa:
Bama Connection Contributor: Bobby Yeomans
Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.

Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours Truly,

Barbie

Ken's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken

------------------

HADB Clan Rulz

[This message has been edited by www.cffl.com (edited 10-04-2001).]

DragonMage · 10-04-2001, 08:32 PM

ROTFL!!!! LOL!!!! OMG! My sides....can't breathe!!!! NO MORE!!!!

These are too funny!

Thanks for sharing!

------------------

The day we stop learning is the day we start dying!(c)

Co-Owner/Operator of the Evil Petting Zoo and devout member of the HADB clan.
Commander of the Dragon Fleet, IW Peacekeeping Force
Sublime Sister of the Illuminati - may the Light shine forever!
Mage extraordinair, Pin-Up Girl for the OLD-COOTS
Magey-Wagey: performer in the Nekked Dancing Trio of the ORT.
Occasional minion to Gwhanos the Fluffy

Hopeless Romantic *sigh*

John D Harris · 10-04-2001, 11:16 PM

ROTFLMAO!!

------------------

Crustiest of the OLD COOTS
Airline ticket to Afghanistan $800
High powered rifle with scope $1000
Hotel room with roof access $100
A clean Head shot on that sack of Horse Manure Usuma Bin Laden PRICELESS!

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10-04-2001, 07:52 PM	#1
www.cffl.com Guest Posts: n/a	------------------Redneck computer terms------------------------- BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer FAX - What you lie about to the IRS HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test ROM - Where the pope lives SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear ---------------if bill gates where a redneck---------------------- Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with duct Tape and a Hefty Bag Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunken redneck yelling Free bird! Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Sweet Home Alabama PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++ Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag Microsoft Word would be just that: one word Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear? Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz" Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates Instead of asking "where do you want to go today? it's more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein the back? Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using the NotePad ---------------------Barbie and kens list to santa-------------------------- Barbie and Ken's Letters to Santa Barbie's Letter To Santa: Bama Connection Contributor: Bobby Yeomans Dear Santa, Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa. 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done. 6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec! 8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it. Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours Truly, Barbie Ken's Letter To Santa: Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken ------------------ HADB Clan Rulz [This message has been edited by www.cffl.com (edited 10-04-2001).]

10-04-2001, 08:32 PM	#2
DragonMage 20th Level Warrior Join Date: September 6, 2001 Location: The lighter side of life, a.k.a. Newnan, Georgia Age: 56 Posts: 2,767	ROTFL!!!! LOL!!!! OMG! My sides....can't breathe!!!! NO MORE!!!! These are too funny! Thanks for sharing! ------------------ The day we stop learning is the day we start dying!(c) Co-Owner/Operator of the Evil Petting Zoo and devout member of the HADB clan. Commander of the Dragon Fleet, IW Peacekeeping Force Sublime Sister of the Illuminati - may the Light shine forever! Mage extraordinair, Pin-Up Girl for the OLD-COOTS Magey-Wagey: performer in the Nekked Dancing Trio of the ORT. Occasional minion to Gwhanos the Fluffy Hopeless Romantic sigh

10-04-2001, 11:16 PM	#3
John D Harris Ninja Storm Shadow Join Date: March 27, 2001 Location: Northport,Alabama, USA Age: 63 Posts: 3,577	ROTFLMAO!! ------------------ Crustiest of the OLD COOTS Airline ticket to Afghanistan $800 High powered rifle with scope $1000 Hotel room with roof access $100 A clean Head shot on that sack of Horse Manure Usuma Bin Laden PRICELESS!

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