How can I improve my original writing coursework?

[Kaltia]

[img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]
Odd subject to be doing my original writing but hey [img]tongue.gif[/img]
I think i can't improve it anymore but it only got 53 out of 54...anyone tell me what went wrong?

The idiot’s guide to being a serial killer.
Kyra Carter 11WT

Hello and welcome to the idiot’s guide to being a serial killer! In this simple and easy to follow guide, we shall teach you how to be a proud successful serial killer! We hope to teach you to achieve the goal that has captured the hearts of the young, the old, the insane, and the really stupid for generations!
The first thing you will need is a hockey mask. This are easily obtained from your local sports shop! Experts usually buy a plain white mask and paint it in multi-colours, but for the novice, a blue or red one will suffice. Try not to follow the crowd (unless they are headed for the sports shop and you’re a bit lost) and try to get a unique mask so that victims can easily identify you! This creates a relaxed atmosphere as the victims know their fates are in the hands of the very best serial killers around!
Now, go to your local clothes shop to buy a pair of boxer shorts and some braces, as this is the next step. The braces should be brightly coloured and draw the attention of everyone who will look upon you, and the boxers should have a print pattern. Woman, a multi-coloured set of underwear, not matching (too normal!) will do, though print pattern is better; men could wear a bra too, if the mood takes them, but it cannot be normal in colour, not at all. I suggest the highly amusing brand of underwear marketed by me! If it doesn’t bring a smile to your victim’s face, your money shall be returned.
Now, the part I am most reluctant to give-the chainsaw. A good shop to pick up a quality one shall be a DIY store such as Home base, though your area may have others. I always, personally, choose Wilkinson’s sword, for chainsaws that keep their edge despite the bodily fluids they are subjected to on a day to day basis. I understand that some serial killers cannot afford chainsaws, but I have tutored many who used pencils until they could afford the good old chainsaw.
The most identifiable part of a serial killer-and the entire POINT of being a serial killer- is either their laugh or what they do with the bodies of their victims. True individual serial killers have honed their laughter over the years to a truly recognizable guffaw that will make most young people squeal with delight. However, as you are a novice, your maniacal laughter can be one of these time-honoured classics- “Aha. Ahaha. Ahahaha. AHAHA!!!!!!!” marks are awarded for those who can pronounce the seven exclamation marks. “Hehhehehehehehehe” is another though usually the mark of a woman, who cannot bring herself to shriek with laughter. Movie fanatics can use the pearl of most film serial killers-“MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” and good luck to them.
Now, teach yourself how to wield your chainsaw, preferably on your furniture. The advice attached to a Swedish chainsaw comes to mind at this time “When the blade is running, do not attempt to stop with genitals”. Sound advice for all concerned.
The best place to find a target is a forest with a shed or log house in it. Eventually, a group of children will enter the forest for reasons known only to them, usually a girl and two boys armed with a video camera. They will enter the shed and decide to stay the night, talking about a “blab witch” whom they apparently seek. As night falls it is your cue to howl mournfully; failing an ability to howl a good shriek or pretty much any other noise will suffice. The children will remain silent for a short while until one, usually the strongest boy, says “I’ll go and see.” True to form, he will leave the shed and wander off into the forest with a dying torch and a thimble. Eventually he will come to a fork in the path. You will, of course, have been following him. When he heads to the side the werewolf, vampire, or other mythical beast is NOT hiding at, you turn your chainsaw on and step into view. When he spins around and opens his mouth, chop him in two.
Now the problem is disposing of the body in a highly original manner. You cannot dismember him in your bath as this has already been done. You cannot bury his remains under your house, it has already been done. If you have decided to model yourself on a famous serial killer, you MAY copy their methods but only if you write a letter to them explaining how you have been influenced. Messages for Jack the Ripper should be forgotten, no-one knows where he is buried and he’s certainly not telling.
Once you have solved the disposal of the body, return to the shed and run the chainsaw. Some people like to throw one half of the missing person in through the window, but I find this a touch excessive, as a message as a note tied to a brick will usually do, and you can never get the blood off the furniture. The young kids will shriek and shout and gasp and make almost as much noise as my French class at school.
Once they have finished diving behind the furniture, you must open the door in an impressive way. Some brawny specimens kick the door open, but I find, nine times out of ten, attaching it to a bit of wire before the kids even got there and slowly pulling it open is more devastating. A squeak is approved. If a squeak is not possible, order some Acne Rust-Starter from Wile. E. Coyote.
Once you have found the girl, trying to make a bolt for it, you may attempt to kill her without the chainsaw. I garrott the girls, but good cheese wire is hard to find these days so if you have a gun, use it. The last remaining boy will yell about you being the blab witch and scream into the camera “I’m sorry (Insert names here)’s mother, I’m sorry (the tallest boy)’s parents. She’s here, the blab witch.” At this point, you may saw the camera in half and choose to kill him in which ever way you wish.
Now, you no longer need my advice-you are a fully qualified serial killer! Congratulations on your success, and be sure to visit me when you get parole!

[ 11-16-2002, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: Kaltia ]

[johnny]

ROTFLMAO

[Kaltia]

Originally posted by johnny: ROTFLMAO

Keep in mind I actually handed that in to my teacher, the head of the english department. He said if i could get that extra mark he'd put it in the annual school magazine and in the YR 11 yearbook [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Spoken from a true pro. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[WillowIX]

53 out of a possible 54! [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] And you´re not satisfied with that Kat? [img]smile.gif[/img] Excellent work IMO!! Browsed it through but since I`m not that good at English myself I´m not the right one to give you adnice I fear . Found these small thingies though... [img]smile.gif[/img]

1)"This are easily obtained"-->"These are..."
2)"very best serial killers"-->"serial killer" (they´re not all going after one and the same person or?)
3)"up a quality one shall be"-->"would be...." perhaps.

Originally posted by Kaltia: quote: Originally posted by johnny: ROTFLMAO

Keep in mind I actually handed that in to my teacher, the head of the english department. He said if i could get that extra mark he'd put it in the annual school magazine and in the YR 11 yearbook [img]tongue.gif[/img] [/QUOTE]Well why don't you ask him how you can get that extra mark then and go get it [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[Kaltia]

Originally posted by Deathbringer: Spoken from a true pro. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Thanks, DB. Now be quiet, I've got my chainsaw out [img]tongue.gif[/img]
Willow, thanks a lot! I've edited on the word document I already have [img]smile.gif[/img]

[ 11-16-2002, 10:18 AM: Message edited by: Kaltia ]

[Kaltia]

Originally posted by Deathbringer: quote: Originally posted by Kaltia: quote: Originally posted by johnny: ROTFLMAO

Keep in mind I actually handed that in to my teacher, the head of the english department. He said if i could get that extra mark he'd put it in the annual school magazine and in the YR 11 yearbook [img]tongue.gif[/img] [/QUOTE]Well why don't you ask him how you can get that extra mark then and go get it [img]tongue.gif[/img] [/QUOTE]He put it on the copy I handed in. Brilliant! You might think...except we're not allowed to take that copy home.

[Attalus]

"Garrot" is correctly spelled "garotte."

[Kaltia]

Originally posted by Attalus: "Garrot" is correctly spelled "garotte."

Thanks ^ ^
See, I knew you guys would help me. *hugs Daddy*