HOW TO SING THE BLUES

[Yorick]

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
from Spence's Music Jokes

1. Most blues begin with "woke up this morning".

2.I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman, with the meanest dog in town..."

3.Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town
Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 500 pounds.

4.The blues are not about limitless choice.

5.Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation: a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Not acceptable: Beemers, hot air balloons. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle, as does fixin' to die.

6.Teenagers can't sing the blues, although they always try. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the chair if you kill a man in Memphis.

7.You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Queens or Brooklyn. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota: just a depression. The best places to have the blues are still Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City.

8.The following colors do not belong in the blues:
violet
beige
mauve

9.You can't have the blues in an office or mall: the lighting is wrong.

10.Good places for the blues:
The highway (the best: a crossroads)
The jail house
An empty bed

11.Bad places:
Ashrams
Gallery openings
Wine tastings
A weekend in the Hamptons

12.No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you are an old black man.

13.Do you have a right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
Your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
You're blind
You shot a man in Memphis
You can't be satisfied
"The man" doesn't like you
No, if:
You were once blind, but now can see
You're deaf
You have an IRA

14.Neither Julio Iglesias or Barbara Streisand (or their fans) can sing the blues.

15.If you ask for water and yo baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues liquids:
Wine from a bottle in a sack
Irish whiskey from a dirty glass
Muddy water (usually not for drinking)
Not blues beverages:
Any mixed drink or a drink with a little umbrella in it.
Any kosher wine
Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

16.If it occurs in a flea bag hotel or in a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Other blues deaths: being stabbed in the back by a jealous lover, being pushed down an old mine shaft, crying yourself to death. You cannot die a blues death during a tennis match or while getting a liposuction treatment.

17.Some names for blues women:
Sadie
Big Mama
Bessie

18.Some blues names for men:
Joe (including "Big", "Old" or "Blind" alone or in any combination, but not "little")
Willie (Little Willie could work)
Lightnin'
Almost anything with "howlin' in front of it

Other name possibilities include physical infirmities: blind, cripple, wheezin'; fruit names: lemon, lime; names of presidents: Jefferson,Johnson, Fillmore.
Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia or Chauncey will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

Courtesy Steve Debe

[ 02-13-2003, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: Yorick ]

[Yorick]

Here's another from the same site:

This harmonica player dies and goes to heaven. There's a long line at the pearly gates, and some dude is going around telling folks in line that they can check out Hell while they are waiting for their spot by just going over to the red elevator over there (points). "You know, if you don't like it, just get back on the elevator and come back up." So, the guy thinks to himself, "Hey, gotta check it out...maybe it ain't so bad after all." so over he goes, gets into the elevator and down he goes... the elevator stops, he gets out and the Devil himself is there to show him around. So, off they go and pretty soon, he's thinking to himself that maybe this ain't so bad after all...they stop in at a nightclub, and there's a great little band inside who's playing their asses off. He spots some famous folks he knows... "Hey, ain't that Little Walter over there?" They leave, and he finally asks the Devil, "Wow, those cats were smokin'. This place is great! But one thing... there's got to be a catch to this...What is it?" The Devil turns to him and says, quite matter-of-factly, "No solos."

[AzRaeL StoRmBlaDe]

thanks for the tips

[Attalus]

Yorick, if you shoot a man in Memphis, can you sing the blues right after? Or, do you have to hop a southbound train to St. Louis? Even if it's northwest of there? I guess you could take a train a little south, then hop on a slow northwestern bound train, as long as it were a freight, not Amtrak. Can you sing the Memphis Blues in Mobile, if you are Bob Dylan? I know that you can sing the blues in New Orleans, but only about St. Louis or Kansas City. (Signed) Howlin' Bill

[antryg]

I listen to the blues all the time. I find it inspirational that other people have better lives than mine. It gives me hope that things will get better.

[Melusine]

Hugh, do you mean Spence's Music Jokes is back online?? My bookmark hasn't worked in ages...

Thanks!!!

Oh and I loved the blues one when I saw it on that site, very witty. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

[sylent]

Very amusing and clever, and also pretty true [img]smile.gif[/img]

Thanks

P.S. hehe, nice references in there too [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Grojlach]

Teehee, these *are* great. Gonna bookmark this site as well, thanks Yorick! [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Epona]

Hilarious!

Thanks Hugh, they did indeed make me LOL. And I just knew when I saw the thread title that 'Woke up this mornin' would be in there somewhere

I love Blues.

Nice one Yorick..never seen the site you reference but this was damn funny