More from a deranged Mind

[John D Harris]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been
polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out
there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see
the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
suffered a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified
in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the
death
its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
chicken? Could you define chicken please?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

**********************************
WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING:
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'

GO AHEAD: (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD: (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH:
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH:
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD:
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

*********************************

Understandable if you fly
I was flying to San Francisco this weekend, and the stewardess reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at
each other like "what the _____?" (Getting Seattle people too look at eac other is an accomplishment).
So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she
said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it.
Before Takeoff.....
Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're
going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.
There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the
need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did.
We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the
direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at
the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will
drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like
the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone
who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first.
If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment
now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work
your way down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my
own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures.
Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and
tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle. To release, it's a pully thing - not a pushy thing like you're
car cuz you're in an airplane, hello!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories,
we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each
wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on, let me check what it is... ....... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now
would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button
turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate
to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation wouldn't you?

After landing...
Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the
bumpy landing. it's not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault.
It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because
shift happens."

*********************************
Parking Ticket


I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and
when I came out there was a @#$%&%&% cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked
Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald
tires!!

So I called him a sheep abusing, horse humping Bozo. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote. I really didn't give a crap but you should have seen his face when I
crossed the street, got into my car & drove away.....

[Nanobyte]

I think you've covered the fundamentals of today's society. I commend you on that, but why would you waste so much time to write seemingly nothing?

[John D Harris]

Originally posted by Nanobyte: I think you've covered the fundamentals of today's society. I commend you on that, but why would you waste so much time to write seemingly nothing?

Because everything is fair game, plus it doesn't take a lot of time to cut & paste

[Scholarcs]

lol, I liked the chicked bit OldCoots [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Gabrielles blades]

the very last one was the best most earned smiles, that one had me laughing to death

[Iron_Ranger]

LOL!!

Nice ones John D.. Liked the Chicken ones the best, John Lennons and Saddams wear funny as hell.

[True_Moose]

LOL, the chicken ones are hilarious. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]