Dilbert-type quotes

[John D Harris]

I received this in an e-mail from my dad, I can't verify the authenticity ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]===== (deaf kitten stikes again)
but it sounds possible

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were
looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type
managers.

Here are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next
Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was
the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter."(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be used only for company business." (Accounting Manager, Electric Boat
Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing Manager, United Parcel
Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you
know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell
Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When
I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss
work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her
burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping
executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long
Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying:"This is
to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be
soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the
memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by
one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the
executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told
that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.
When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts
(pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the
memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in
red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up
in
his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he
told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to
the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be
found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month
later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my
resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco
Bell
Corporation)


------------------

"the memories of a man in his old age,
are deeds of a man in his prime"

[This message has been edited by John D Harris (edited 07-06-2001).]

[Hayashi]

ROFL! I like #13!

------------------
"Butt-kicking for goodness!" - Minsc
"Cities always teem with evil and decay. Let's give it a good shake and SEE WHAT FALLS OUT!!" - Minsc

[sylent]

1. is a good way to keep your workers out of the building!
Good stuff there, quite amusing.

------------------
"Watch your back"

[SSJ4Sephiroth]

well they were all quite amusing, esp the first one. thats probably how id operate my business . absent-minded Yakman!

------------------
Proud member of the HADB. And remember, when you're thinking of giant heads, why not think of the Big Giant Head?

[Waluin]

Man, I can relate to some of those