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[Balintherlas]

Well, ive been workin on this for a while and now i hav the first part done. It takes place just after irenicus is defeated and may contain som spoilers. Read it and let me kno what u think. Thanks.
Also, forgive the grammar and spelling errors, im lacking in that area.


“Haha! Well struck Trethlere!, Minsc shouts with joy as the rest of the party is transported back to Suldenesar. The battle against the revenge driven mage is over. Finally defeated by the holy stoke of Carosmeyr. As much as this should relieve me, it doesn’t. There is only a feeling of regret, no, more than that, sorrow even. This much is seen on Trethlere’s face by Aerie.
“What’s wrong Trethlere, are you hurt”? she asks with a genuine concern. As I look into her eyes to reply, I see the great love she bears me. Love that I am not worthy of.
“No I’m fine my...”, almost he says my love, but then he thinks how can I be deserving of a being of the greatest light. “I am fine, just a little weary.” A concerned look spreads across her delicate features, and Trethlere only turns away.
Valygar breaks the silence, “ A well fought battle, though I was worried if we would ever see the blessed sun again” he says with a smile. Elimiseme comes to the grove where we just arrived, great relief drawn clearly on her face.
“With heroes like Trethlere, Keldorn, Imoen, Aerie, Valygar, and Minsc, the outcome of this battle was never in doubt. On behalf of the elven nation, I thank you all.” Minsc gives a hearty yell and boo can be heard squeaking his delight as well. Keldorn accepts the praise with modesty, a true hero, not like myself. The rest of my comrades are overjoyed, Imoen truly seems happy now, and this pleases me. She has suffered too much in her short life, most of it caused by me. And Aerie, as I look into her face again, our eyes meet, her love for me seen in her gaze, and my love for her seen in mine. But no! How can I do this to her, if she knew the truth, that this facade of hero played by me is false. Doesn’t she know? Don’t they all know of how many lives I’ve taken? Countless! And this Irenicus, just another destined to die by my hand. I truly am a child of the Lord of Murder. As servants rush couches and food tables in, music is played, soft elven ballads. Even the trees seem to be in a place of peace and bliss. I cannot allow myself to disrupt this.
“Honored Queen, might it be possible for me to have a private room, exhaustion is about to overcome me I fear.”
“Of course Lord Trethlere, I can not even begin to comprehend your weariness” Elimiseme replies with compassion. “Rinald will escort you to my private chambers.”
“You are too kind my lady, I am not deserving of such an honor.”
“Nonsense! The elven nation owes you a debt that can never be repayed.” With that she motions to an elf whom leads me up the winding limbs and bows to a secluded area with it’s own door, thankfully.
“This room is yours, I will be waiting outside should you require anything” Rinald says.
“ Thank you Rinald, but you have been too kind already, please, go and enjoy yourself at the banquet.”
A smile crosses Rinald’s face as he replies, “My lord, truly your courteous nature implies a greatness found in few these days.” Rinald gave a low bow and trots off to rejoin the merriment. Leaving Trethlere thinking of his last statement, if only he knew the truth.


“Keldorn, may I speak to you a moment in private”? Aerie asks.
“Of course Aerie, I live to serve. What is it that troubles you?”
“It’s Trethlere, has he not been acting strange lately, distant?”
“Well we did just survive the most perilous battle of our lives”, Keldorn replies with a smile.
“Yes I know, it’s just that he’s been estranged to me lately, I haven’t done anything wrong have I?”
Deep concern etches Keldorn’s brow, “No Aerie, of course not, he’s probably just been thinking on how we came out unscathed that’s all. I will talk to him though, perhaps offer some elderly wisdom.”
“Th-thank you Keldorn. You and Uncle Quayle are the best fathers anyone could have.” A warm smile crosses Keldorn’s face as he embraces Aerie in a fatherly hug. I can’t let him hurt her, he thinks to himself.
A hard knock interrupts Trethlere’s brooding. “Trethlere, sorry to disturb but we need to talk, am I intruding”, Keldorn asks? Not waiting for a reply he enters the grand chamber with a purpose. “I must speak with you about Aerie”
“I would normally welcome your company old friend, but I fear…”
Keldorn cuts him short, “Enough of these excuses! Why have you been ignoring Aerie, the love you bear each other is plain for all to see?” Trethlere starts with a response, then falls silent and lowers his head. After a few moments with Keldorn watching him intently, Trethlere finally looks up, his eyes wet with moisture.
“But how can I allow her to love me? How can I corrupt her soul with my foul taint?”
“Foul taint? What in Torm’s name are you talking about man? You are the most pious, devout, righteous man I’ve even known, and I have known many paladins if you’ve forgotten.”
“What cunning I have to fool an inquisitor. Do you know how many I’ve killed? Countless! I’ve built a ziggurat of murders for my dead father. What’s worse, I had behind my faith like a child behind his mother’s apron. I am a sham!”
“But Trethlere, those you have killed have only been done to protect the ones you love. Life was taken only when warranted.”
“Yes Keldorn, but I would have slain all those I have even if you and the rest of my companions weren’t present.” Trethlere can feel the rage burning inside, for too long has he bottled up his thoughts and now they come forth like a torrent. Unbeknownst to him or Keldorn however, Aerie silently entered the room and was enlightened to his ravings.
“I fight against evil when evil is what I am. I will not allow my darkness to infect Aerie anymore than it already has.” He is stopped short as Aerie says, “But Trethlere, you are not darkness, you are light. I know this, Keldorn knows this. All of our friends know this. You are the epitome of all that is good in this world.”
“She’s right Trethlere,” Keldorn adds. “Your good name is known through all the lands.”
“You fools” Trethlere shouts with rage, madness slowly enveloping him, he draws his sword, Carosmeyr. “Do you see this sword? Do you know all lives I have taken with this “righteous” piece of metal?” Aerie draws near to embrace him, “But my love, you are not the evil murd-” Her voice is stopped short, blind rage takes Trethlere as he shouts, “Enough!” and turns around with his sword erect. Before he knows what is happening, the blade is driven up to the hilt in Aerie’s chest. Shock more than pain is on her face as her lifeblood covers Trethlere’s hands.
“NOOOO!” Keldorn cries as he witnesses the terrible act. He grabs Aerie before she falls and gently lowers her to the now, so cold, carpeted floor. Without the strength to stand, Trethlere slumps to his knees.
“Use your touch Trethlere. Hear her”, Keldorn begs. But Trethlere does not hear him. All he can do is stare at his blood covered hands and know they will be bathed in his love’s blood for the rest of his days…

[Pirengle]

A few notes.

This piece would be much easier to read with a space between every paragraph.

Establish the setting more at the start of your story. They transport back into Suldanessellar, but where? The city's small, but still has several places of note. Me, I saw them in the dragon's grove, but since you never specify exactly where, I don't know for sure.

Speaking of Suldanessellar, check your spelling.

The NPCs' dialogue seems a bit off to me. You might want to download Infinity Explorer, install, click the Dialog tab, and look for the following files: BMINSC, BAERIE, BKELDOR, BVALYGA, and BIMOEN. The NPCs have their own particular ways of speaking. Minsc tends to say simple words and often opens his mouth before carefully thinking about what he's about to say. Aerie stammers when nervous but gets sorta self-righteous when not. Keldorn is definitely noble, and his words seem more like commands or proclamations. Valygar rarely speaks, but when he does, he emotes little, and his dialogue is terse and honest. And Imoen is so much like a kid sister. Your dialogue is good, but I can't picture the characters saying the dialogue yet. Browse their dialogue in IE and get a feel for how those characters would speak their lines, then tackle your story again.

You switch your point-of-view every now and again. If the reader sees the story through Trethlere's eyes and is privy to his thoughts, then it's okay to have first-person pronouns like "I" and "me" in your story. However, the point-of-view is in third-person limited; it's like a movie camera's been pointed at Trethlere and the reader sees the story as it relates to Trethlere or on any other character that movie camera might focus. (You could cut to another scene and show, say, Demin helping Elhan clean up the city, and the scene would play out focused on Demin but the reader wouldn't know her thoughts, just her actions--i.e., what the camera could see.)

Writing in present tense is hard. Making it believable is difficult. I think you've done a good job making it work. [img]smile.gif[/img]

I want more of a reason for Trethelere to kill Aerie, or at least more of an indication that he wants to spare her his murderous wrath. (And if he wants to spare her his murderous wrath, why does he kill her? [img]tongue.gif[/img] ) You could explain this by starting the story earlier, and show the party forming, and their relationship, and how Trethelere's life forces him along the path of Murder, and how Aerie reacts to it, particularly during the transformation in Spellhold.

You've got a nice start here that will turn into a nifty piece with a few edits. Nice work.

[Snezzeke]

That was excellent, a moving story, kept me wanting to read, blocking out everything around me, only a good read can do that.

Well done, please do some more

[Lemmy]

Originally posted by Balintherlas: Before he knows what is happening, the blade is driven up to the hilt in Aerie’s chest. Shock more than pain is on her face as her lifeblood covers Trethlere’s hands.

Yay, Aerie snuff!

For constructive commentary: I echo Pirengle's suggestions. When I saw how crowded the paragraphs were, I scrolled down to look at the replies to your post before reading the story. Then Pirengle mention the Aerie's death in her nicely formatted post, and I was encouraged to scroll up to read the story. Good formatting makes a big difference.

I'd recommend one speaker per paragraph. Paragraphs become difficult to follow with multiple speakers.

You can also eliminate some passive voice. Quick example: Her voice is stopped short = "Her voice stops short."

Originally posted by Pirengle: I want more of a reason for Trethelere to kill Aerie, or at least more of an indication that he wants to spare her his murderous wrath. (And if he wants to spare her his murderous wrath, why does he kill her? )

I thought the death scene was ambiguous. Was it murder or manslaughter? It's my impression Trethelere drew Carsomyr and brandished it about. Aerie approached him from behind to embrace him, but at the same moment he spun around with Carsomyr perpendicular to his body, unintentionally impaling Aerie.

If he intended to kill Aerie, however, I'd like to know why so I can enjoy his Aerie-cidal thoughts along with him.

Oh, and Imoen's in the party, too! I hope the fates smile upon her as kindly as they did Aerie.

-Lem

[Balintherlas]

ight, thanks for all the suggestions, il edit this and im workin the rest of the story. I do plan to have trethlere kill ALL the bhaalspawn, then find redemption in the end.

[Illumina Drathiran'ar]

Pirengle was correct with her advice. Otherwise it is good.
But I have one nitpick (Don't I always?)
Carsomyr is a semi-sentinent sword. I don't think it would allow itself to be used to slay an innocent, in a similar way a moonblade is unable to shed innocent blood.
That's the only thing I have to say, though. That's quite impressive.