Joke World 09-01-10

[Arvon]

A whole new month to mess up.


Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money
into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money
to the beggar behind the cross,
but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and
says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand?? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seed of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

[Timber Loftis]

[VulcanRider]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and then he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.........Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place... The grass is almost a foot high"

[Arvon]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[Arvon]

Oldie...

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below the left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Timber Loftis]

[Timber Loftis]

[Bungleau]

A professor at a university was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your a**hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.

[VulcanRider]

Country Song:

Are they real? No idea. Would it surprise me if they were? Not in the least.

---

# It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

# If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

# If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

# How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

# I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

# I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

# I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

# I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

# I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

# If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

# My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

# She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

# You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

# Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

# She's Looking Better After Every Beer

# I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

# If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

# If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

# Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

# I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart

# I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

# I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

# If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

# If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

# She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

and...

# Thank God (And Greyhound) She's Gone

[Arvon]

From a few weeks ago...

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...

... "You just happened to catch my eye