Joke World 07-01-10

[Arvon]

Hey look the year's half shot!

Finally, after all these years of trying yo-yo diets... phentermine, hoodia, cialis (no wait that's for erectile dysfunction)... finally some diet tips that actually work. Enjoy feeling better about yourself.

1.If no one sees you eat it - it has no calories.
2.If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out.
3.When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4.Food used for medicinal purposes never counts such as: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sarah Lee cheesecake.
5.If you fatten up everyone else around you - then you look thinner.
6.Movie related foods don't count because they are simply part of the entire entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel; such as Milk Duds, popcorn with extra butter, and Junior Mints.

[Timber Loftis]

[Timber Loftis]

This one would be funnier if it weren't so terribly true. Nations around the world, in the face of what is becomming a long depression are pulling a Herbert Hoover and becoming deficit hawks. Real recipe for disaster.

[Arvon]

Okay, so it's another oldie...

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

[Arvon]

A bit PG...


A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

[Arvon]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them... grabs some sliced limes and eats them... then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" says the guy. "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Quite an appetite. I'll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate." He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did?" "What this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures it first!"

[Arvon]

father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car
shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car,
the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor
removed the car, and the father and son left.
A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS
nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"

[Arvon]

A duck walks into a bar.
It asks the bar tender if he has any crackers??
The bartender says No.
The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the same question.
The bartender says "No, i dont have any crackers,"
The next day the same thing happens, with the same response from the bartender.
On the 4th day the duck came in and asked the same question.
The bartender says "No, i dont have any crackers and if you ask again i will nail your beak to the floor!!"
The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks if the bartender has any nails.
the bartender says No.
The duck says "Good, do you have any crackers!?!?!"

[Arvon]

A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple in a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.
The officer knocks on the window and asks whats going on.
"Listening to music," the guy says.
Pointing toward the lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And what's she doing?"
"Reading a magazine, of course."
"How old are you?" asks the officer.
"I'm 28."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in 11 minutes she'll be 18."

[Kezardin]

A farmers wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength born of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door and into the barn.

She put his manhood into a vice, secured it tightly and then removed the handle of the vice. Next, she picked up an old carpenters' saw!

The husband was absolutely terrified and began to yell, 'Stop, Stop, You're not going to cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husbands' hand and said...

"No, YOU ARE...I'm going to burn down the barn!"