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Hehe, I read this somewhere that these things were actually said in courts of law during proper trials in Massachusetts, USA (dunno how true this is http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif ):
Lawyer: could u describe briefly what happened? Witness: well the first car reversed out of the driveway and straight into the side of the other car which was moving slowly down the road. Lawyer: and how far apart were the cars at the time of the collision? ________ Lawyer: so the date of conception of your baby was august the 12th? defendant: yes Lawyer: and what were you doing at this time? ________ Lawyer: so he had 3 children you say? witness: yes Lawyer: How many were boys? witness: none Lawyer: were there any girls? ________ Lawyer: was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? ________ Lawyer: you were there until the time you left, is this true? ________ Lawyer: were you present when your picture was taken? ________ Hmm, wonder what our american brethren have to say? http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif |
Is This Humor
http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/gmorning.gif I don't see it ------------------ http://www.phpshop.net/images/rikard/rikard2.gif The Githyanki Necromancer - High Magician of the Holy Flame |
Well speaking as an American we have one hell of a lot of idiots! http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif
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Just look at your president
(excuses for anyone who didn't want to vote for Gore) ------------------ http://www.phpshop.net/images/rikard/rikard2.gif The Githyanki Necromancer - High Magician of the Holy Flame |
location: Russian submarine
Misa to Captain: Captain Sir! An enemy vessel is approcahing! Captain: Nothing to worry about Misa, just go to my cabin and get a bottle of vodka and my red shirt. Misa doesn't understand why, but does as ordered and the russians win. Next day: Misa: Captain Sir, 3 enemy vessels approaching! Captain: Nothing to worry about Misa, just go to my cabin and get 3 bottles of vodka and my red shirt. Again Misa doesn't understand but does as ordered. The russians win again. Misa can't take it any longer and asks what the vodak and red shirt are for. Captain: The vodka gives me courage and the red shirt is needed so that the men can't see when I get injured. Next day. Misa: Captain Sir! 7 enemy vessels approaching! Captain: Nothing to worry about Misa, just bring me 7 bottles of vodka and my brown trousers. |
Well speaking of dumb american politicians, in Hungary (where I was born), half the jokes u find are about cops cos the cops there are so dumb in general. Quite a few good ones but bear in mind I am translating these so the wording may not be perfect.....
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Hysterical giggles!
------------------ Smile! Life is too short for bitching! http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/EEhearts.gif Fljotsdale |
Cop's walking on the beach with his son..
- Hey dad look, a dead seagull! Cop looks up at the sky. - Where? |
Two cops are walking along the pavement and they see a policeman's truncheon lying on the ground:
- Hey! Isn't that Tom's? - It couldn't be you idiot! He's lost his! _______________________________________________ What do 2 cops argue over when getting into the car? Which one gets to sit next to the window |
Cop buys a railway ticket.
- Return please. - Where to? - Well what do you think? Back here of course! |
A chicken runs out onto the street from the policeman's chicken coup in his garden. It gets run over by a steam-roller. The driver regretfully takes the poor bird back to the policeman.
- I'm terribly sorry sir, but it ran out onto the road and I ran it over. I'll compensate your loss in full. - There's no need. - Why isn't the chicken yours? - We've never had any flat chickens like that. |
Cop walks over to the shepherd.
- How many sheep do you have? - Dunno. - If I guess, will you give me one of them? - Okay. - 15. - Wow! Good guess! The sheep's yours. The cop grabs one of the beasts but then the shepherd says: - If I guess what your occupation is, will you give it back? - Sure. - You're a cop. - How did you know....? - You took the dog. |
The cops are taking an exam. The supervisor asks the first one:
- Sprechen Sie Deutsch? The cop answers: Huh? - You're fired. To the second cop: - Sprechen Sie Deutsch? - Huh? -You're fired. To the third: - Sprechen Sie Deutsch? - Ja, ich spreche Deutsch. - Huh? |
If u didn't see the funny side to these or simply didn't get them, u gotta understand that there are a lot of BLOODY dumb cops in Hungary, even in higher positions. That's why there's so many jokes about their intelligence. U always gotta keep their stupidity in mind when reading those. Hehe, also remember, they're translations. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif
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ROTFLMAO! I just read this one.
The cop and his family are moving house. In the new house they're organising everything very carefully, they've even got the places for the paintings marked out on the walls. The husband is standing on a chair with hammer in hand, waiting for the wife to hand him a nail. The wife accidently hands it to him backwards so that the nail's head is facing towards the wall. - Hey give me another one! Can't u see that this one goes in the opposite wall?! |
Alright one more before I go to sleep. Hehe.
2 cops meet up on the street. The first one asks for a laugh: - Hey mate, how many doughnuts can u eat on an empty stomach? - Eight. - Hehe, wrong, only one. The rest you won't be eating on an empty stomach. The cop really likes the joke and decides he's gonna tell it to his friends: - Say, Bill, how many doughnuts can you eat on an empty stomach? - Six. - Aah it's a shame u didn't say eight. I could have told u a really good joke. |
A male dog handler and a female cop leave the station to go out on foot patrol.
As they get a distance from the station the female cop says "Oh shit, I was in such a rush I forgot to put my knickers on, I'd better go back and get them". The dog handler says "let Fido have a sniff of your crotch, he'll run back, sniff em out and then return them to us, it'll save a load of time". "Good idea" says the girl. Anyway, Fido sticks his head up her skirt, has a damn good sniff and takes off back to the station. "Best sniffer dog on the force old Fido, now he's got your scent he won't have any trouble finding your knickers" says the dog handler smugly. The dog returned five minutes later with the desk sargeants cock in its mouth. ------------------ One love, peace. |
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HAHA.. I heard it with a lawyer http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif Good ones Vaskez! Welcome to GD, we haven't met before! Cloudbringer <font color="plum">Self-Appointed Welcome Wagon of the Ironworks Forum</font> ------------------ http://publish.hometown.aol.com/tobb...s/bestow~1.jpg Raindancer of the Laughing Hyenas Clan Storm-Queen StormCloud of the Black Knight Heart Mind Soul Forever |
Cheers. I'll be posting some more later. Are u the only one who's read 'em? http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/confused.gif
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I read something in a French newspaper recently, and it gave me a good laugh. Please you English people tell me if it is true - never mind, if it is not, it deserves to be !
A woman has recently been discharged of the charge of having thrown tomatoes to Tony Blair. Here is what she said for her defense (I translate) : "I was looking at this man next to to me, he was throwing tomatoes, and he never seemed to hit. I kept thinking that I could do better. So at one point I got annoyed, took his tomato and threw it. It was only when I saw that it had hit Tony Blair just under his ear that I started to think 'Uh-Oh ...'" http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/noncgi/smiles/485.gif ------------------ http://fc1ddq.free.fr/stan2.gif The world is my oyster ! |
WARNING SIGNS
On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. |
LOL all too funny LOL
------------------ http://publish.hometown.aol.com/tobb...s/clawsfin.gif Drake A.K.A. bocaj |
Where did you find that out of interest Bleys?
------------------ One love, peace. |
2 cops are chatting:
- Hey guess what mate, I'm gonna be in the Guiness book of records! - How come? - I got a jigsaw puzzle and it said 2-6 years on the box. But I managed to do it in 1! |
Pedestrian goes up to cop to ask the time:
- Please officer, could u tell me what time it is? - Of course I've got it written down here. It's 8 o' clock. - Thank you, but please tell me, what do you say when it's not 8 o' clock? - I say that I don't know what time it is. - Aha. So how do you know whether it's 8 o' clock or not? - Well, I got it written down here! |
I found the last one living in my spam folder.
Here another one. A Political Bedtime Story A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. "We'll consider the nanny as the Working Class," he went on. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes to bed thinking about what dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." |
A cop sees a gypsy and his son cycling along on the street. They're carrying big, bulging sacks on their handlebars. The cop stops them immediately.
- What's in the bag?! - Nothing, just some compost for our garden. - Don't lie u gypsy, empty that bag! The Gypsy pours the contents of the bag out in front of the policeman. The cop pokes around in the compost but finds nothing. Then he asks the boy: - What's in your bag, son? - Nothing, just black earth. -Says the kid, a little anxiously. The cop pours out the earth but finds nothing. Furiously, he lets them go. A little while later the father proclaims proudly: - There, you see son? That's how to steal a bicycle. |
A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to
Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2.0 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many Bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other the caused severe damage to all his hardware. Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000. But imagine my friend's disappointment though on discovering that Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain. Any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard drive and cannot be deleted. They then re-surface months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop browser Pro for new attachments Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself. |
Me chinese me play joke me......no youve heard that one im sure. 3 women on a business trip walk in to a hotel and ask for rooms. The clerk tells them that there are 5 floors and each one has a different theme so the women look at the sign on the first floor and it says "Dumb, Poor, short dicked men" so they go to the second floor and the sign says "Dumb, Poor, big dicked men" still not satisfied they go to the third floor where the sign says "Dumb, Rich, short dicked men" still not satisfied they go to the fourth floor where the sign says "Intelligent, Rich, big dicked men" they are thinking this is good but the fifth floor must be even better so they rush eagerly up the stairs and they arrive at a empty hallway with a sign that says "This floor is for the sole purpose of showing that even if a woman has everything she still is not satisfied."
------------------ http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/castlet...ifs/devil2.gif I am ken BOW TO ME! |
ROTFLMAO Caleb......spot on (no offence girls.) http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif
------------------ One love, peace. |
I think they were hoping that the fifth floor had a sign that read: "Intelligent, Rich, Big-Dicked, HONEST Men"
http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif Moni http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif |
LOL....in that case you're knackered. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif
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knackered?
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Knackered = no chance...without hope. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif
------------------ One love, peace. |
LMAO! That is probably too true. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif
Love, Hugs & Peace, Moni http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif |
Two cops are patrolling in the countryside. They take a walk into the forest and find 2 bombs.
- What shall we do? , asks the first cop - I know, let's take them back to headquaters. So the cops pack the bombs into the back of the Lada and off they go. - Hey! ,shouts the first cop - Don't drive so fast, one of them might explode! - Don't worry about it, we'll just say that we only found one. |
2 cops arrive at the scene of a terrible road accident.
One of them starts dictating to the other what he should put in the report: - The corpse is lieing in the road, one arm slumped over the chest. The head is on the pavement... - Wait a minute! How do you spell pavement? (kicks the head to the sidehttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif - Don't worry about it, just put "road". |
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------------------ http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/castlet...ifs/devil2.gif Meet my lawyer. |
Vaskez, I'm impressed - you seem to have an endless supply of Hungarian cop jokes!
And they all translate into English well, they could be English cop jokes too http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif ------------------ http://www.gldb.com/wayno/epona2.gif Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. Epona of The Laughing Hyenas |
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Cop's taking a general knowledge test: Supervisor: -What is the capital of Hungary? Cop: - Pass - How many pence are there in a pound? - Pass They really don't want him to fail so next they ask him: - In football, what is it called when one player kicks the ball to another? - I have absolutely no idea |
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