Joke World 08-01-09
 

Hot summer nights and not so cool joles.

Reaching the end of a job...
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, fullmedical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Is this the real life Andy Capp?

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/...pg?w=425&h=568

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Regulations For Hunting Politicians (Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Politicians PC 370.00)

370.01 Any person with a valid instate rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest politicians for recreational and sport (noncommercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of politicians with traps or dead-falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of politicians with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If a politician is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead politician should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed directly to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest politicians from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout "SEX!", "DRUGS!" or "FREE SCOTCH!" for the purposes of trapping politicians.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt at Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt politicians within 200 yards of courtrooms, health clubs, country clubs, or brothels.

370.08 If a politician gains elective office through unlawful means, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, church member, donor, prostitute, drug dealer (or doctor while administering unlawful prescriptions), or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting politicians.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
NO LIMIT except honest politicians are protected per the Endangered Species Act.

ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take politicians with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

A mother was having dinner with her two young children when her three year old daughter asked her why there were two holes in your nose.Her four year old son quickly responded with, "So you can still breath when you pick your nose!"

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Well, A Girl Potato and A Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life..

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out west in the USA , they told her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so when she graduated she'd really be in the chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!!!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just... well he's just a...

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

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OK! Here it is!


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A COMMONTATER !!!

.

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Oldie...

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

You Might Be in Emergency Medicine If:

# you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

# discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

# you have the bladder capacity of five normal people.

# you can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio.

# your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift change.

# you disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.

# you have your weekends off planned a year in advance. (?? What's a weekend?)

# you believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.

# you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

# you believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered.

# when someone calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.

# when you are out in public you compliment a complete stranger on their good veins.

# you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".

# you have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Discharge".

# you refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".

# your idea of a really good time is Duelling Defibrillators.

# you have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide: Getting it Right".

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

A bit PG...


A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Oh God!

Writing in the February 1995 Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, two Wisconsin researchers concluded that nose-picking does not create problems for most people, but that for some the habit "may meet criteria for a disorder -- rhinotillexomania." Among their survey findings: 66.4 percent of pickers did it "to relieve discomfort or itchiness" (versus 2.1 percent for "enjoyment" and 0.4 percent for "sexual stimulation"); 65.1 percent used the index finger (versus 20.2 percent little finger and 16.4 percent thumb); and "Once removed, the nasal debris was examined, at least some of the time, by most respondents." [Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, February 1995]

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer!" And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.

He replied, “She called Four Horse”.

The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?”

The Old Indian answered, “It old Indian Name.

It mean….

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!”

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first woman.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Heh. Nice one.... :hehe:

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains large traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned."

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Season Ticket


A husband was engrossed in a magazine while his wife was reading the newspaper. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Get this," she said. "Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmmmm," her husband mumbled, still engrossed in his magazine.

Wanting to test him, she asked, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not!" he said.

"That's so sweet," she replied. "Tell me why not."

"Heck, the season's more than half over!" he said.

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise .

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so..'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renown surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes
Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me.. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Bad Days
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.


2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.


3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.


4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally...


6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Got these in the mail... oldie but some are nice (and PG).

LOVE: Word with 2 vowels, 2 consonants and 2 idiots.
ARCHITECT: Someone not manly enough to be an engineer but not queer enough to be a decorator.
BOY SCOUT: A boy dressed as a dork commanded by a dork dressed a boy.
UROLOGIST: Specialist that looks at your penis with contempt, touches it with disgust, then charges you as if he had sucked it.
PRIEST: Someone everyone calls "father" except their sons who call him "uncle".
EASY: A woman with a man's sex morals.
HERO: The only one that could not flee in time.
DANCING: Vertical frustration derived from horizontal need.

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Supposedly a group of animal rights activists were protesting a very large, very old lobster being kept in a restaurant tank, so they bought him and took him out to sea. In a tearful ceremony they dropped him over the side to his freedom. Only after reviewing the recordings did someone notice they sent him to his death since no one bothered to remove the rubber bands from his claws...

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

John went to the store the other day. He was only in there for about five minutes, and when he came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So John went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored John and continued writing the ticket. So John called him a stupid idiot. He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then John really got angry at the cop. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more John abused him, the more tickets he wrote. John didn't care. His car was parked around the corner

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

A cop stopped a driver for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Walking up to the window, he asked the driver his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the guy a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it...

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The man replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, M.D.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. When the ADA found out about the VD, they took away my DDS, the AMA took away my MD, and the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
The neightbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed it.

Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn't worried about this man who practiced black magic and swore he would dig his out of the grave to come back and haunt her for the rest of her life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

A bit PG...

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

Re: Joke World 08-01-09
 

The local priest meets some woman whose wedding he officiated a couple of years ago.

- How is the marriage going?
- Pretty good, we are trying to have a child but we haven't had any luck yet
- Don't worry, I have certain errands to run in Vatican City next week, I will light a candle and pray God for you both.
- Great, thank you father.

Five years later they meet again:

- How is the marriage going? Did you have any children?
- Well father, we have had twins three times and another three single children, so yes, we have 9 new members in our family.
- That's great! Is your husband around so I can congratulate him too?
- No father, he's on a plane to Vatican City to put out that damn candle.