And it's goodnight from him ..... vale Ronnie Barker

wellard · 10-04-2005, 08:08 AM

One of the most outstanding British comedians has just passed away. Famous for his share in the "Two Ronnies" and for "open all hours" I always thought his best work was in "Porridge"

wellard · 10-04-2005, 08:17 AM

Some lines from the two ronnies news presenters sketches.....

The Two Ronnies:
"The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on"

The Two Ronnies:
"The search for the man who terrorizes nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow"

The Two Ronnies:
"On a packed show tonight, we'll be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who can no longer make ends meet"

Just some of his many lines that had me in tears then and LMAO now, though they are as old as they come.

Dragonshadow · 10-04-2005, 10:27 AM

I heard about this in the car this morning. He'll be missed.

Lanesra · 10-05-2005, 05:25 AM

Just returning briefly to mark Ronnie's death. Possibly the greatest British comedy actor ever. Only Peter Sellars was in the same league.

Four candles???
Charley Farley?
The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town??

D

[ 10-05-2005, 05:26 AM: Message edited by: Lanesra ]

Lanesra · 10-05-2005, 05:28 AM

In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer.
CORBETT (muttering): There you are. Mind how you go.
(Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie)
BARKER: Four Candles!
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Four Candles.
(Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
BARKER: No, four candles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?
BARKER: Got any plugs?
CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?
BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom.
(Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?
BARKER: Thirteen amp!
CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!
(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
BARKER: Saw tips!
CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?
BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.
CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next?
BARKER: 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's?
BARKER: 'O's.
(He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hose back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's!
(He places the hose onto the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him)
BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!
CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there!
(He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)
CORBETT: How many d'you want?
BARKER: Two.
(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)
CORBETT: Yes, next?
BARKER: Got any P's?
CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want?
BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on?
BARKER: I'm not!
(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?
BARKER: Got any pumps?
CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!
CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.
(He puts the pump down on the counter)
BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine!
CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on!
BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not!
CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
BARKER: Washers!
CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!
CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there!
JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?
(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)

Szass-Tam · 10-05-2005, 03:53 PM

I can't say I was a huge "poridge" or "two Ronnies" show, but I still hale him as a great comic actor and mourn his passing. *bows head*

wellard · 10-06-2005, 05:39 AM

The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town!!

Oh nice one D

I had forgotten about that, a classic sketch, it used to have me in stitches [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

10-04-2005, 08:08 AM	#1
wellard Dracolisk Join Date: November 1, 2002 Location: Australia ..... G\'day! Posts: 6,123	One of the most outstanding British comedians has just passed away. Famous for his share in the "Two Ronnies" and for "open all hours" I always thought his best work was in "Porridge" __________________ fossils - natures way of laughing at creationists for over 3 billion years

10-04-2005, 08:17 AM	#2
wellard Dracolisk Join Date: November 1, 2002 Location: Australia ..... G\'day! Posts: 6,123	Some lines from the two ronnies news presenters sketches..... The Two Ronnies: "The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on" The Two Ronnies: "The search for the man who terrorizes nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow" The Two Ronnies: "On a packed show tonight, we'll be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who can no longer make ends meet" Just some of his many lines that had me in tears then and LMAO now, though they are as old as they come. __________________ fossils - natures way of laughing at creationists for over 3 billion years

10-04-2005, 10:27 AM	#3
Dragonshadow Quth-Maren Join Date: February 17, 2003 Location: Portsmouth Age: 35 Posts: 4,145	I heard about this in the car this morning. He'll be missed. __________________ aka Loc der Graf, Quillruke

10-05-2005, 03:53 PM	#6
Szass-Tam Zhentarim Guard Join Date: October 14, 2002 Location: London, England Age: 34 Posts: 328	I can't say I was a huge "poridge" or "two Ronnies" show, but I still hale him as a great comic actor and mourn his passing. bows head __________________ [img]\"http://img468.imageshack.us/img468/7922/biko86fu.jpg\" alt=\" - \" />

10-06-2005, 05:39 AM	#7
wellard Dracolisk Join Date: November 1, 2002 Location: Australia ..... G\'day! Posts: 6,123	The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town!! Oh nice one D I had forgotten about that, a classic sketch, it used to have me in stitches [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] __________________ fossils - natures way of laughing at creationists for over 3 billion years

10-05-2005, 05:25 AM	#4
Lanesra Symbol of Cyric Join Date: March 29, 2001 Location: Twititania, Europe Age: 64 Posts: 1,221	Just returning briefly to mark Ronnie's death. Possibly the greatest British comedy actor ever. Only Peter Sellars was in the same league. Four candles??? Charley Farley? The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town?? D [ 10-05-2005, 05:26 AM: Message edited by: Lanesra ]

10-05-2005, 05:28 AM	#5
Lanesra Symbol of Cyric Join Date: March 29, 2001 Location: Twititania, Europe Age: 64 Posts: 1,221	In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer. CORBETT (muttering): There you are. Mind how you go. (Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie) BARKER: Four Candles! CORBETT: Four Candles? BARKER: Four Candles. (Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter) BARKER: No, four candles! CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles! BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks! (Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next? BARKER: Got any plugs? CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs? BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom. (Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter) CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size? BARKER: Thirteen amp! CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs! (He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away) BARKER: Saw tips! CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that? BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws. CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next? BARKER: 'O's! CORBETT: 'O's? BARKER: 'O's. (He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter) BARKER: No, 'O's! CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hose back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's! (He places the hose onto the counter) BARKER: No, 'O's! CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him) BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's! CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there! (He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's) CORBETT: How many d'you want? BARKER: Two. (Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter) CORBETT: Yes, next? BARKER: Got any P's? CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want? BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas! CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on? BARKER: I'm not! (Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas) CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next? BARKER: Got any pumps? CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on! BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps! CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere. (He puts the pump down on the counter) BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine! CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on! BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not! CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next? BARKER: Washers! CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers? BARKER: 'Alf inch washers! CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there! JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two? (He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)

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